The gaps
between postings seem to be increasing; don’t know why I tell you that,
presumably you’d already noticed. Sundry muscular aches and pains almost got
the better of me during recent weeks, not so much the intensity of pain (barely
halfway up the scale) but rather a disconcerting all pervasive sense of
dis-ease. At present it feels as if a generalized discomfort proves more disabling
than spasmodic acutely intense pain.
The question
constantly arises whether codeine, tramadol or any general painkiller can
tackle these dull persistently nagging aches. On occasion simply putting on
wrist, elbow and shoulder supports seems to alleviate all but a background
purring nausea, at others only the combination of pills and strappings seem to do the trick.
It’s strange
that some nights, following on from a more comfortable day, the discomfort only
begins its nagging and gnawing routine when I attempt to settle down to sleep;
brief interludes of dream laden sleep interrupt my sadly familiar restlessness.
At times I could swear that the amitriptyline is working as a stimulant rather
than benefitting me with its supposed gently sedative properties.
For the past
several nights I’ve pre-emptively dosed myself with tramadol before retiring au
lit but, I’ll never know whether it’s the medications efficacy that grants me a
more comfortable (albeit still unrefreshing) night’s rest, or have these nights
just happened to be ones that were destined to be more comfortable anyway.
At its worst the discomfort is such
that I become nauseatingly ill at ease inside my own skin ….
***
I’m now
beginning to see a reason for not posting; all the preceding spilt out as if
I’m having a miserable life whereas in fact I continue to feel rather blessed.
My love for
ma belle grows ever deeper and, what’s more, that love is reciprocated. The assurance that one is loved somehow
overwhelms life’s more negative aspects, simultaneously building one’s
reserves of emotional stamina in readiness for the ongoing struggle for justice
and compassion for all.
Having
always been of a somewhat gregarious disposition I still, not infrequently,
find myself mourning the loss of the ability to socialize (other than on the
most modestly minimal scale) but still feel fortunate that I can enjoy all
kinds of music and drama via television, radio, and sundry recorded formats. It’s strange the way that sudden unexpected
sounds can serve to shatter my nerves, almost crushing the breath out of me,
whilst dramatic transitions in a musical score never (or perhaps very rarely)
seem to play such a disruptive role.
The garden
too is a source of constant delight and refreshment, even when it’s getting a
bit out of hand, and the avian activity (viewed from the comfort of a
supportive high-backed armchair) is a constant source of pleasure.
Come to
think of it, perhaps the reason I’m not posting so regularly is that I’m far too busy appreciating life!
