Friday, March 06, 2009

Salt Flow

Just when things can’t get any worse, somehow they manage it; Wednesday’s crash (KERRR ..AAAA…SSSH!) was followed by an even greater slump on Thursday. Serially interrupted sleep seems to do little for one’s morale or physical well-being; the emotions make an overt display, this time in the form of tears, not just the odd sob but torrents of salty liquid.

At times weeping can feel quite therapeutic, a sense of having freed ones-self of a deep rooted, repressed, aching frustration but, just as I began to feel more secure, the least little incident opened the floodgates once more (e.g. an inability to accept a phone call). This time I feel that there’s more than a hint of depression to the frustration, and yet in my daily routine I feel that (subject to omnipresent limitations) I have a most positive relationship with the universe. That recent sense of dis-ease with which I occupy my own skin is the only alienating factor – objectively I (subjectively) love life, and everything it throws at me, challenges and pleasures each finding a fit place; all that’s really required is a healthier bearer (body) of my bundle of sensations.

That’s the really odd thing about depression, it bears little resemblance to self-pitying sadness; no matter how much one tries to rationalize this cloud (as to its cause) one is never able to get to the core of the matter. Much of the time I’m completely unaware of its lurking presence.

One is depressed in spite of ones-self, not because of!


SimplyTim said...


Re: "That’s the really odd thing about depression, it bears little resemblance to self-pitying sadness"

Well said. Depression (i.e. major clinical depression) IS a profound experience which is hard to communicate to someone who has not "been there." And those who have not experienced it, in their attempts to help very often totally miss the mark with their suggestions.

To me, depression can be a consequence of having been shaken to the core when parts of our reality, our identity, etc., are removed or significantly altered. What had been bedrock beliefs and resources are removed or seem out of reach or are now seen as insignificant or suddenly inadequate to the experiences at hand.

And in that state, everything has to slow down and come into a more manageable world until a new foundation / resource is discovered, acquired and explored.

As such it is an opportunity for a more secure foundation for living.

Paradoxical, eh?


Penny said...

Hiya Mal. I read a really interesting article, on the internet,about depression. If you are interested....