A deep lethargic spirit
consumes my very being; a lead weighted space-hopper would be about right as a
description of my personage at 11.30 am. Last night was the worst of those seemingly
endless, restless, nauseatingly painful nights that I’ve experienced in a long
time. Don’t get me wrong, a disconcertingly discomforted restless night is
currently par for the course, but last night was topped with added painfulness.
Even my regular pre-emptive strike against nocturnal discomfort, amitriptylene
and tramadol taken an hour or so before snuggling under the duvet, seems of
little if any avail these days.
As I fitfully tossed, turned
and squirmed au lit, post-nasal drip and gastro-oesophageal reflux added a
further frustrating layer of dis-ease to the tenderness of cervical and
axillary lymph nodes. Invisible clog dancers throbbed their way from armpit to
elbow, elbow to wrist, before treating the rib cage as a xylophone. As I
stretched my legs over the end of the mattress, my toes burnt as if they were
being scrubbed with a wire brush. Once the nagging aches pulsed through my
hands I decided to don my wrist splints which, somehow, seemed to gradually alleviate
the pains in my upper arms.
Even the weather seemed to conspire
against sleep, the roar of the wind was disturbingly amplified as I lay there,
watching the flickering shadows which took on a somewhat threatening character
in the darkened bedroom. An irrational childhood fear of the dark seems to have
re-emerged recently, although it only applies to darkness within a building not
in the great outdoors. Switching on a bedside lamp almost miraculously eased
some of the bodily tension but, even then, only quite short snatches of sleep,
from around 4.00am,were on the menu. It seems to be the rule that only unrefreshing
sleep may be proffered to yours truly! The past couple of weeks have also seen
an alarming resurgence of diverticular and spastic colon symptoms, no doubt
contributing towards the sudden all enveloping exhaustion which erratically
disrupts my daytime routine (or lack of such).
I am of course in that period
of my life when I start to question how many of my ailments, or to what degree,
they are symptoms of an ageing body as much as the manifestation of an
underlying chronic illness?
Now, here’s the surprise. In spite of
all the foregoing ailments I still manage to enjoy life, constantly amazed by
the intricacy and complexity of the world around us, attempting to interpret
one’s relationship not only to the earth and one’s immediate vicinity but, how we
fit into the whole cosmic scheme. The joy that I gain by observing the sheer
variety of flora and fauna, even just within the confines of our garden, still
fills me with a sense of wonderment. That there is something, rather than
nothing, into which we have been thrown, is cause enough for celebration; the
love I share with ma belle Bright
Light ultimately overwhelms a one time tendency of mine towards cynicism.
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