The Witching Hour

The witching hour approaches and, despite the eyelids heaviness, it seems no time since I emerged into todays first light. Well, to be honest, the first light I experienced was many hours after the days first light but, it was still some fourteen hours ago. This all suggests a sense in which I am well and truly content; if I was really as depressed as I sometimes feel the days would never fly by!

It really is quite amazing how such a psychosomatic mess as yours truly can still find contentment. Certainly recent days have found a much calmer me. Physically I may still be in free-fall but, apart from a concentration deficit, mentally I'm feeling stronger.

Time spent with ma belle Helene is always a blessing; we are so fortunate.

I must remind myself : "In everything give thanks .."

A Touch Of The Numinous?

Do you ever get the feeling the fates are conspiring against you? Admittedly, for some fortunate creatures such as myself it's not too major a problem; but ... it's sometimes just the odd little niggle that starts the process of suspicion.

Today, this happened to my alter-ego Heterocon who, on several occasions attempted to access his blog only to find it being either "upgraded" or "updated"; unfortunately the distress was so great that even now he's afraid to carry out a further check on the current status! How fortunate were the earlier generations who never had to face such trauma.

So deep was the distress caused by these instances that, even now, he feels unable to share with me the profundity of the text he intended to inscribe upon that sacred space. This truly is a case of the "mysterium tremendum et fascinans", the numinous quality possessed by web-servers; one can only bow down in the presence of such transcendental forces.

Perhaps my dear Heterocon will soon be revitalized and enabled, either in person or through Sinna Luvva's humble service as his amanuensis, to scribe once more his "Broad Thoughts"upon the space of msn!

The day condensed ...

Just as well I did an early blog because, as so frequently, it's been a fairly uneventful day. A trip into town to transfer some funds and, buy a couple of books from a remainders shop then back home to prepare a tuna pasta for lunch.

Got out for my brief brisk walk later in the afternoon, before spreading some grass seed on the now adequately watered lawn. Did a bit of largely unfruitful graphics work earlier this evening then attempted to get my e-mails read!

A quiet day indeed ... a gathering awareness of the body's discomfort; perhaps quitting smoking has proved quite injurious as far as my health's concerned. Confusion and concentration lapses have certainly become much more evident of late, the memory ain't as efficient as .... sorry, what was I saying .... ! To put it another way ... just as well I did an early blog .... at least I think I did ...

Let he who first gets stoned ....

Malcolm up, and semi-alert, bright and early; sounds like a health problem to me! As I'm already sat here, exercising the digits, thought I ought to take on this persona as well as Heterocon. The cause of this disturbing incident can be explained: see 'The Postman Calls' on Hets "Broad Thoughts".

Too early to make any sense of the day as yet so, maybe I should talk politics. On the other hand, there is a line that goes "let sleeping dogs lie" but maybe "let lying dogs sleep" is more fitting at present!

When Pots Call The Kettle Black

Talk about pots calling the kettle black .... the Tories are calling Blair a liar!

I've yet to encounter an honest Tory politician; sorry I was forgetting the unfortunate Flight ... but they soon kicked him out!

It's not too difficult to think of one or two prominent Tories who've been imprisoned for dishonesty in recent years either.

If the populist tactics seem like backfiring, let's make it personal. We know what you're thinking, you cynical vampire. Why should you regret the war at any cost of Blair, he learnt a lot from your gallant Iron Lady!

Are They Even Thinking?

The Thought Vampire (aka Michael Howard), having seemed to have washed his hands of his parties plans to combat MRSA [see todays entry on Heterocon's Blog] , will perhaps now turn his attention to a Tory run education authority which has today been attacked by the Tories!

Do they know what they're thinking?

My Soul - An Abbatoir Of Beauty!

"The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper."- Aristotle

The above remark features as 'quote of the day' on one of the sites I frequently visit. I can only think that, in recent weeks, my soul must be shining out like a cesspit hidden under a bushel. That aesthetically pleasing image apart, I still know that 'I am valued just as I am'! If we cannot learn to love ourselves what's the point of trying to love others.

Sunshine and Shadows!

Every morning of late I seem to have woken up with a sore throat. A good grating clearance of same physiological atrtefact goes someway to easing the irritation but, obviously, provides no longer term solution. Anyway, 'tis not my intention to complain (it simply comes naturally, some may say) so I'll attempt to look at the positive.

For the last couple of sunshiny days I've felt so much more positive but, I always feel the real test comes when I encounter any problems which my "short-fuse" is able to blow-up out of all proportion. But, let's look on the bright side; at least I recognize the problem. Perhaps, recent weeks have seen a few too many (of more routine than the norm) problems and, my over-reaction was in fact quite normal! I actually know that my response was quite over the top but also, I realize it was much more sane and normal than voting Tory would be! You see, every cloud could (potentially) have a slate-grey lining.

For the last three days I've managed my routine brisk-brief-walk without too great an effort of will or musculature! Whether I have the courage, or will, to attempt any greater endeavour remains to be seen. Who knows, it may be possible for me to get out of bed, feeling refreshed, before 9.30AM if this type of progress continues!

In everything give thanks!

From Fillings To Killings

At least yesterday's visit to the dentist sparked off a new insight/ hypothesis, a silver lining to the grey pigs ear! For this wonderful insight see item "HEALTH QUIRKS" on 'Broad Thoughts from Heterocon'.

Today is another sunshiny episode in my life and, I have enjoyed the luxury of a more relaxed start to proceedings. It was good to receive a 'phone call this morning from Cathy, currently in Melbourne having moved on from Thailand; she still has a bit more travelling to do before returning home to settle down, for a while, with her boyfriend Ken back in blighty.

The six weeks appointment with ENT, which had been arranged for seven and then re-arranged for nine weeks [see entry for 13 April "Curses and Blessings"] will now take place at the beginning of July. Partly a problem of my own (health) making as I couldn't face up to the extra travelling involved to go to the sub-station, the earliest date available at the local (main) hospital is July.

It really is difficult to plan ahead; I have a tendency to go on impulse within my neurotically/physiologically imposed limitations. Superficially I appear quite fit, only a deeper reality prevents me from being a Super-Hero-Action-Man! But then I may even think that slaughtering people in the name of democracy is in keeping with the Gospel of Christ.

How on earth I made the leap from dental inspired health hypothesis to the illegal war in Iraq, my old mate YHWH alone knows. Anyways, must go and look at the sunshine .. be back soon.

An Ordinary Day e-mailing the Pope

Just an ordinary day, set off at 7.55AM to go for my 8.20 appointment with my GP. After this appointment returned home for a coffee and then, off again this time to see my dentist for a 10.00AM visit. Two deep fillings required but, being a sensitive soul required further shots of novocaine during the procedure. By lunchtime my cheek was well and truly puffed-up; I could hardly recognize the stranger sharing the loo with me when I looked into the mirror.

Prepared a quite exquisite tuna pasta for lunch, then polished my halo before settling down to see if I could manage to eat. Pasta proved so easy to assimilate but, managing a hot drink proved altogether more perplexing.

Did a bit more wood-preserving in the garden and, a minute bit of tidying up ... all in all not too bad a day by recent standards. No doubt the sunshine proved encouraging.

This evening is proving more relaxing, sending off e-mails to Benedict XVI and sundry other persons. As I'm just ready to watch the final part of a series (whose name eludes me at the moment) based on a Patrick Hamilton trilogy, I'll have to love and leave you for the time being. Doubtless I'll be back!

The text of our e-mail to Benedetto XVI can be read on Heterocon's Blog!

A route less travelled

Having, in the past half-hour, chivvied up a friend to get blogging, the realisation struck me that I may as well obey my own commandments. Frequently seems like no-one else will. I've just been messing around with some different prototype web-pages today, the old faithful that I'd never previously used 'Net Objects Fusion'.

I've temporarily uploaded them to my Bravehost website but, I don't really know whether it's a route I'm prepared to travel. Seems to me much better to start each page from scratch! Once again the rain has been set in for most of the day but, despite earlier exhaustion and sundry aches and pains in what should be flexible joints, I still managed to get in a brief brisk walk this afternoon.

Tomorrow, for my sins (or should that read pains) I visit my GP, in the early hours, followed by a trip to the Dentists at what still seems to me like an early hour. When I'm feeling most tired, during the day, it sometimes helps to attempt to do a bit of mind-stretching work ... on the other hand the same exercise has also been known to finish me off. Life does get confusing but never more tedious than I allow.

Don't let the blog bog you down!

Normality

A quiet day on the homefront, lifted by a fair ratio of sunshine. Considering it's so early in the season it's amazing how quickly blanketweed is attempting to choke up the garden pond. If only we can stay one step ahead. The trip-switch problem with the pond-pump has, for the time-being, resolved itself but, the invasion of the lawn by dandelion hordes is well under way. Unfortunately, the lawn currently being fairly waterlogged prevents me from mowing down this peril!

Last-night saw a relapse in the gastric upset stakes, calling for traditional antacids sufficiently distanced from the next administration of PPI's. After a slow emergence into the extra-duveted day, it was good to do a little tinkering about and to get out for my routine brief-brisk-walk without too many ill effects.

Anyway, as old tempus fugits along, I must yield to descending eyelids and, snuggle down with ma belle Helene!

Fear And Loathing - the Thought Vampire's Campaign

'And while "It's not racist to impose limits on immigration" - as one Tory slogan proclaims - campaigning aggressively on the issue can stir up xenophobia and legitimise racism. Campaign literature has made explicit links between crime and immigration in a manner redolent of the far-right parties. ........

Defeating the government was never going to be easy in a benign economic climate, but the Tories will come to regret their shabby strategy.'*

edited from 'Fear and loathing on the campaign trail' [Financial Times 18/01/05]


* I can only hope and pray that this proves to be the case!

Denouncing And Announcing

'Phone calls disturbing the thought-flow, an unresolved problem with the pond-pump, an inability to find a required item ..... nothing major there but, yesterday morning it certainly sent me off into an angry tirade of metaphysical proportions. If in doubt, blame God ... whoa there, if in doubt it's questionable whether there's owt there to blame!

Anyway having dismissed the thought god (or the Thought God, or the thought "God"), what's left to rail against. If the doubt is meaningful enough turn it on oneself but, that's hardly likely to make one feel better.

So, what do I settle for; I denounce God but I've already (by this time) ackowledged that there is no existent object or subject responding to this name! The strange thing is, belief has never been a strong point of mine, it's always faith that grasps me.

Jesus shows us his understanding of (his) God's nature. This understanding leads him to care for the downtrodden and the outcast which, in its turn leads to resistance from the religious authorities as well as the imperialist Roman occupation forces. When he's executed by the imperial and religious authorities he leaves a lot of dispirited followers; I'm frequently dispirited when I see the collusion between conservative evangelicals and murderous gits like George Dubya but, I do know that something known as resurrection occurred and a core group of followers had the courage to live communistically and declare themselves as his followers. They proclaimed GOOD NEWS TO THE POOR.

When Jesus died, the end had occurred ... an end to complacency and an urgent demand to build the Republic of God here on earth. It is my hope against hope that one day the peacemakers
will overcome.

Anyway, to get back to the here and now; a post-lunch nap (following another of my succesful culinary inventions) helped to restore a little emotional energy/balance. The question of God's existence is not even on the agenda. I have Faith!

Don't Bring Me Down ... I Can Do It By Myself

Lying in bed this morning, I was surprised to hear my local parliamentary constituency referred to in the news bulletin on BBC national radio. It was simply a reference to Tory deception attempts with reference to our local health authority. I suppose anyone remembering the Thatcher era, and Howard the Thought Vampire's role in it, realize that dirty tricks will be needed as Blair's Crew have stolen most of the Iron Lady's clothes.

Anyway, I didn't let this get me down but remained on my contentment plateau. Should have known it was too good to last and, the fall ocurred mid to late afternoon. The prompt for this decline, that the pond pump had once again ceased-up; reset the trip switch to no avail so obviously more drastic measures are called for. Retrieved pump from its position in the pond, removed the clip and casing and cleaned it down with a hose to remove algae residues etc. Switched the pump back on and immediately a trickle of water flowed but, this trailed away to nothingness within a very short time. The trip-switch constantly tripped ... suppose that's what they're for ... but why. The pump itself is new this season but we never had this problem with the trip switch on the old pump; it did start tripping slightly more after some "handymen" altered the siting of the said switch but it didn't help simply to curse them.

For some reason I let this little episode bring me down. I suppose I've just got to admit I'm not as well as I'd like to be, now let's see .....

Proton-pump inhibitors are performing quite well but, the rhinitis treatment seems to have gone in reverse, anti-depressants ...?; my throat still has the same problem although I understood it was supposed to improve as I stopped regurgitating acid! Exhaustion factor; on this front the last couple have days have seen a slight improvement.

I'm even starting to feel guilty about not feeling well; suppose I should become a Tory, as in my view they're all sick, I should at least feel at home amongst them!

Not All's Dull Grey

Just trying to think on the hoof as the background radio reverbs to the "smarm, smarm ... squirm, squirm ..." of his holiness Tony Blair being interviewed by Jeremy Grapeplant. Despite the implicit smirk in his tone of voice, somehow the man manages to sound sincere at times. Much as New Labour have betrayed the true Labour legacy, for some inexplicable reason, I can't help feeling moderately safer under them than I would do under the Tories who dare to own that name!

The only viable alternative to the heirs of Thatcher (both New Labour and Conservative) are the Liberal Democrats.

Well, that's enough of politics ... no matter that we never can escape it, we all want food on the table and a roof over our head; some of us even desire that for everyone ... but, at least we can drop the party politicking!

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A dull grey day fails to reflect my slightly brighter temperament today; maybe I should start to question some aspects of SAD theory! Even yesterday, the rain descending heavily and vertically much of the time, failed to wreck my modest contentment. All it needs now is a restoration of my energy levels to those of three years ago and, I could even contemplate going away on holiday! That would be a major advance.

"In everything give thanks"

Physically Mental!

Having written favourably elsewhere of New York City's proposed screening for people at risk of depression (see Screening For Depression), I suddenly felt the need for one counterbalancing notion. Why I should state it on a separate site perhaps reflects my current erratic temperament.

The danger faced, if more people are likely to be diagnosed as having a disposition towards depression, is that people with a history of depressive illness can so easily be prescribed anti-depressants for an (indeterminately caused) physical ailment.

As in all things, it is important that a sensible balance be maintained when examining such a psycho-somatically complex organism as homo sapiens. A dis-ease of mind or body automatically transfers its ailment to its complementary part.

If this sounds like gibberish it probably is, if not, you know it makes sense!

Curses and Blessings

Just when I thought I'd reconciled myself to the day (see "Much Ado About Categories" on 'Broad Thoughts From Heterocon') another flea bite makes my emotions turn somersaults! Having prepared for a six weeks appointment on 3 May, granted for seven weeks after my little op; today I received a letter cancelling this appointment and moving it forward a further two and a half weeks down the line. Not only is the date changed but, they now want me to travel (never my strong suit) some twelve miles for this appointment when the main hospital is within two miles! Perhaps there is a logic but, I fail to see it or to be amused.

Were I feeling fitter (I nearly said fit ... but then, why would I want a hospital appointment?), this flea-bite could be more easily calmed down but, in my present agitated state the bite has grown to the size of an elephant turd. Some other items in todays mail weren't designed to be best pleasing but, then ... that's life ...! Let's look on the bright side, no matter how out of character that may seem, I also received some welcome items!

Faith, Guilt and Weakness

No matter how exhausted, angry, b....y belligerent I become, Faith somehow oozes its way into my consciousness and then the dose of guilt re-gurgitates itself! I am fortunate, I am loved and accepted by those who are important to me and, able to love some of those who are not of any significance to my sense of well being. To love in the abstract is easy but, especially with my current health-imposed intolerances, the practice falls far behind.

I am important in so far as every individual is important, my self-esteem is at times a little too good and blinds me to the accidental inadequacies of others. Setting high standards for myself and falling short, it is sometimes hard to recognise that a lot of the ignorant beings we encounter in daily life can't help themselves .... their rudeness always seems to bring out the worst in me.

Self-pity, at not being able to curb the more negative emotions, tends to make me feel like a liability to those I care for and who care about me. The circle rolls on and ultimately I cannot nor do I want to let go of my concern for the underdog, the neglected! Therein lies the saving grace .... it cuts short the introverted pity and, once again, restores to me the awareness of just how fortunate I am.

Faith is the guilt that salves itself!

As Time Goes By

A very slow day for waking up; indeed, it is only in the past couple of hours that I have started to feel really awake! A leisurely morning, following a late emergence, a standard whole wheat breakfast cereal and a bacon butty made with wholemeal bread provided sustenance for the residue of the day. The sandwich tasted all the better by having been prepared by ma belle Helene!

Mid to late afternoon found me sleeping to the accompaniment of my favourite Jazz programmes on Radio 3; presumably a continuing part of abstainers hangover, the symptoms of which have recently been reported on Broad Thoughts from Heterocon .

By early evening, I struggled enjoyably to prepare a nutritious light meal for my beloved and myself - hot-smoked trout with red and green peppers, mushrooms and cherry tomatoes in a turmeric/ paprika/ginger jus. The primary thing is that it proved enjoyable, a sustaining and enriching experience.

Having been suitably refreshed, I was then able to commence preparations for tomorrows lunch, the details of which I refuse to regale you with. The thought of salivating readers would make people wonder what kind of site they were visiting.

Come back soon!

Abstainers Hangover

As a sufferer from abstainers hangover it is frequently difficult to know how I will be able to cope with any exertive exercise, e.g. answering the telephone, opening the door, smiling inanely at strangers as if they're customers, even preventing flatulence from effectively expressing itself. Those close to me, can vouch for this inability, especially the latter; indeed flatulence is an additional symptom of abstainers hangover. This part of the ailment is my reason for setting up a trust fund for carers of people suffering from this condition; the fund is to be called RESPITE CARE FOR NOSES.
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On a real world level I visited my GP yesterday morning and, he increased my medication to help me cope with the emotional/temperamental problems mentioned in THE VENEER CRACKS. He is also arranging an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Although he's a very good GP he failed to go along with my suggestion that I should take up smoking again!

I suppose the abs. hang. diagnosis has not yet been universally accepted by the medical profession. Once acknowledged, the deluge of prescriptions for wines, spirits, beers and cigarettes would be too great for pharmacies to cope with!

The Veneer Cracks

My emotions are extremely close to the surface today, anger and tears most closely aligned. Tactless persons trying to push their merchandise in one's own time and space [see ALIEN INTRUSIONS], inept workmen (of whom we've had a surfeit in recent months), and coping with and supporting others with problems, do not always sit well alongside my post-viral depressive condition!

The protestant work ethic has a lot to answer for too! I constantly feel guilty that I am unable to tackle many little tasks, both around the house and elsewhere; sometimes its the spirit but more often the flesh that proves unwilling!

Currently, I'm sat in front of the computer, awaiting a call from the Doctors Surgery, having realised I am perhaps even less well than I thought I knew!

Wet, Windy and a little Wild!

An intermittently wet and windy day seems an adequate symbol of some of today's events [see "The TV Saga absurdly concluded" on 'Broad Thoughts From Heterocon']. Fortunately I was able to leave the house for my BBW (brief brisk walk) in the afternoon after Helen had returned from shopping and a visit to the gym. Before setting out for my 39 minutes airing, I prepared a char-grilled Salmon & Peppers jacket potato filling, for our lunch.

Without the BBW, the Supreme Being alone knows where my temper would have led me. Once the anger-flow starts the pettiest little thing triggers a further response! Whilst one school of thought seems to think it's good "to let it all out", my GP assures me that its not at all good for my health.

The Bush bop bag proved useful to release tension but, it keeps letting itself down (i.e deflating) unlike the real thing that keeps puffing itself up, as some kind of divine agent!

If You're reading this ... please ignore ...

I've been having a few problems with my FTP Server when trying to submit new postings to this site so, please forgive the paucity of entries. It could be that a temporary malaise (well, of just a couple of years standing) is affecting my concentration, hence an incorrect password has entered itself on screen via the conduit of my fingers!

More probably, it's a temporary glitch .... which point is proved if you're currently reading this posting!
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PS The existence of "Mundane Musings" just goes to prove that the errors / glitches were of 'word' and not 'deed'!

Mundane Musings

It's just been one of those de-energised days, where one simply looks for fresh, non-physically active nor mentally demanding, distractions to escape the urge to nod off. That usually means attempting to catch up with e-mails, play about with a few graphics programmes and, perhaps not so unusually, looking for something to nibble.

Is this de-energised feel, and the longing for nibbles, part of a general malaise or a belated aftermath of quitting smoking some months ago! The fact that these almost lethargic states were part of me before the 'cold turkey' seems to suggest the former, as does the resumption of night-sweats etc.

The proton pump inhibitors seem to be doing a reasonable job of preventing any major reflux but, I still find myself being sparked off into 'acidic' bursts of anger with little provocation. On second thoughts, incompetent businesses (especially when they try to rip me off, or drag their feet), conservative middle-class attitudes and values etc. .., perhaps aren't such "little" provocations!

Hopefully, the generous and caring me still lurks quite close to this more caustic veneer!

PS (12.07 am - 6 April 2005) Some of this may seem familiar if you have visited Heterocon's Blog. The entry above ["If You're Reading This ..."] refers to the failure of the FTP server. In spite of a reported error I later found this item had published; meantime some of its gist had been posted elsewhere (under the misapprehension that this was a "lost" text).

More On The Legacy

"The Church is against capital punishment. It is against war except under very specific circumstances. But it has never said anybody who supports those things cannot come to communion, must be turned away at the altar, but it has taken that position with abortion. And on a purely political level, I think we have to ask why. It's a very patriarchal position and argument, I think. You can say that to women, and you're not going to get as much opposition as if the Church hierarchy had said to anybody who supports pre-emptive war or capital punishment you cannot come and receive communion. So I think it's important to look at abortion within the context of the Church's other teachings". - Angela Bonavoglia

A fascinating discussion about the beliefs and actions shaping John Paul II's papacycan be found at The Legacy of Pope John Paul II by Amy Goodman on AlterNet. Contibutors to the discussion are Angela Bonavoglia, Blase Bonpane, and Mary Segers.

John Paul II

Just to show a little balance, following my previous entry about JP II, two articles in todays New York Times particularly caught my attention : Above All Else, Life by Helen Prejean and People of All Faiths Recall Pope With Fondness .

I still think the general coverage has been rather in the overkill vein, "methinks they do do protest too much ........" etc. May he enjoy eternal rest.

Hagiographical Broadcasting

Will the doctrinaire authoritarian John Paul II be replaced by anything better? That must surely be the big question on the mind of thinking Catholics. To me, a non-denominational Christian, I would love to see another figure of the calibre, and with the values, of John XXIII.

The amount of hagiographic coverage of the late John Paul by the BBC, on both radio and television, has to me proved wretch-provoking [we are, after all, a constitutionally Protestant nation with a predominantly non-churchgoing population!]. Little attention has been given to his negative teachings on Birth Control etc. whilst, at the same time, the eulogy given by George W Bush seemed to completely overshadow JP 2's stance against the illegal and immoral attack on Iraq!

Just a little thought on the hoof! One would like to think that our broadcasting establishment would hijack the airwaves, in a similar manner, upon the demise of any significant leader of the Hindu or Islamic community but, if the coverage is to be equally uncritical may the good Lord protect us!

Sought For and Grasped By

If you've visited HETEROCON's blog or A SUSCEPTIBILITY TO FAITH you will doubtless be aware of my questionings. It has always seemed a major mystery to me that some people seem to "need" a faith, others "seek" a faith or set of values by which to measure their life's course, whilst yet another group seem to be "grasped" by an ultimate concern which they have neither sought nor been aware of a need for.

My personal journey has at times embraced each of these modes, yet (at other times) I have experienced the deepest emotional and intellectual resistance to making room for such a faith. An equal resistance is felt when anyone attempts to fob me off with multifarious scientific hypotheses as facts!

Ultimately, the REALity of LOVE is such a great mystery that I feel compelled to accept this transcendent reality!

WELCOME!!!

Just thought I'd introduce a blog onto my website. Whether or not I will be able to keep it like HETEROCON's Blog remains to be seen! If this is your first visit why not have a look at My Album of Paintings or check out some of my poems via POETRY INDEX. Hopefully, I'll be back soon.