One Step Back in pursuit of Progress

It’s one of those evenings when I don’t really know what I feel; slightly queasy, that’s easy enough to say but, it’s the kind of emotional turmoil alongside this sensation that’s more difficult to define or describe. Tonight was going to be one of those big milestones on my way to recovery, following the steady progress that I’ve made over the past few months.

I’d been invited to a meal with members of the chapel that Helen attends and, has had strong connections with over many years. This Sunday, they will be having their final service and members of a larger chapel in town are their hosts for this special commemorative meal. I’ve been trying to do everything right, ensuring that I’ve stored up plenty of reserves in my energy bank, in anticipation of this night out.

This morning, after yesterdays ‘necessity imposed’ additional rest, I maximised my rest period and was eagerly looking forward to the evening. Mid-afternoon, as I sat and relaxed, the heavy perspiration and sense of dis-ease took over, I rested in my chair, feet thrown across a comfy leg support, until a bruising earache and sense of giddiness took over; that was my cue to go and lie down on the bed and, next thing I knew I’d had a good hours snooze. Reluctantly and dizzily, I waddled my way downstairs and found the nausea inducing heat of the day overwhelming. Took a dose of Gaviscon to quell the reflux in my oesophagus although, since I’ve been on PPI’s, that’s not been a problem too much in evidence in recent times.

As you can see, there were several differing factors at work militating against my making the stride forward. Retrospectively, I can see that ‘nerves’ were a contributory factor, at the culmination of prolonged anticipation of the event, alongside exhaustion (my long term companion) which had been exacerbated by atmospheric conditions. Although I was well aware that my beloved would run me home at any time during the meal, how I felt as departure time approached ensured that I would be incapable of contributing even a spark of conversation to the evening. I was overwhelmed by the sense that my presence was a potential dampener, on what was already an event likely to be tinged with sadness.

It really isn’t that long ago that I would have been unable to contemplate even provisional acceptance, of the invitation to attend such a celebration / commemoration but, now I’m feeling quite dispirited that, despite my efforts to prepare myself for the occasion, I was unable to carry it through! How do I feel, I still don’t know; I suppose that my decision to have even contemplated attendance can be construed as a sign of progress!