Guilt-edged Enjoyment

At times, an awful guilt overwhelms me because I’m only able to tackle a rather limited number of tasks per day. What makes it worse, when I’m travailing under this burden of guilt, is the knowledge that if I did tackle much more it would entail an enforced inactivity for several days following the extra effort. Problem is, being immersed in the Protestant work ethic, it’s so easy to consider oneself a human-doing, rather than a human-being. It’s always far easier to re-assure others, in a similar position, that they are valued and don’t need to do any more, than it is to convince oneself!

In general my self-esteem is very good, indeed there are some who think it’s far too good (veering towards arrogance), but that still doesn’t obliterate the demoralizing effect of guilt. I suppose what adds to the guilt is the fact that I do enjoy my life, despite the discomforting and debilitating symptoms that have tended to be my (not infrequent) lot during the past few years.

I am fortunate, and grateful, that recent months of carefully paced activity – finding a lower altitude plateau of activity than in days of yore, have seen a general improvement in my health but, it still doesn’t overcome an intense sense of frustration.