#ME – There and Back Again!

Sometimes it seems that even that moderately low plateau of stamina, is a level too high to return to. At present, a dispiriting pain and ache level of exhaustion seems intent upon taking permanent residence in my limbs and torso; at times its tentacles seem to stretch discomfortingly into head and psyche as well!

There’s always a price to be paid for even a modest additional expenditure of physical and emotional stamina, even when that expenditure itself seemed beneficial. Recuperation from payback seems to be tidal in nature; just when one thinks that the energy tide is in it swiftly ebbs away.

On Saturday 17^th some long standing friends made their way across the Pennines to Harrogate. Upon their arrival at the Cedar Court Hotel they ‘phoned to invite us over for beaucoup de catch up conversation and an early evening meal. The three to four hours spent with them passed in what seemed like one hour tops! Stamina resources didn’t seem to be a problem at all, I simply basked in the socializing experience.

Next afternoon, our friends joined us chez nous, for further chats and an early evening meal’ Fortunately, I’d already prepared a curry, earlier on the Saturday, so there wasn’t too much effort involved in dinner preparation.

Once again the few hours together seemed to pass at supersonic speed. For a while I felt as if my stamina was heading back to pre-illness levels and, I felt quite on form to co-host our monthly Bible Study group, chez nous, on the Monday afternoon. The study and fellowship proved rewarding as usual.

On Tuesday 19^th a degree of payback kicked in. A shattered painful exhaustion, swiftly metamorphosed from simple over-tiredness,to a sharp burning sensation on the uppers of my feet and simultaneous excruciating pains in my upper limbs, Meantime my torso felt crushed and bloated. That’s just a fragment of the discomforting regimen of the day. Wrist, elbow, and back supports were intermittently required, alongside a frequent recourse to tramadol.

By the Wednesday morning I felt as if I was being gradually restored to normality, only to regress on subsequent days. At least I’m now having less recourse to painkillers.

By the beginning of this week I feel as if emotional resilience has returned; all that remains are my more regular aches, pains, and sudden onset bouts of exhaustion.

 As I look out on blue skies, all’s well with the world.

A Special Privilege

Some events quite simply serve to put one’s life, with all its privileges and setbacks, into a more realistic perspective. Some people, though still young, brighten the lives of all those they encounter; without these people the world will be much poorer but, at the same time we can count it a real blessing that our paths have crossed.

Today, my younger step-daughter, Cathy, received the news from a friend (one who has been a friend, confidant, travelling companion right through from childhood) that the friend has been given 9 – 12 months to live. The friend, Kate, a remarkable and radiant young lady, is 28 years of age and, 21 weeks pregnant; it seems as if the pregnancy, and its accompanying hormonal imbalance, may have hastened the growth of a brainstem glioma.

It’s only a couple of years ago, after much humming and hawing by the medical profession, that a tumour was removed. In spite of the loss of peripheral vision, epileptic seizures, chronic migraines, Kate always has a ready warm smile for all whom she meets. Having been given the “all clear”, she was assured that the best course of action was to get on with life as normal and, yes, it would be alright to start a family. (The latter advice, in retrospect, seems to have been more than a little suspect).

Last year Cathy had the privilege of attending Kate’s wedding, when Kate married Luke, a young man from Essex she had met during her travels in Australia with Cathy. Cathy has always been determined that Kate would be her bridesmaid when she marries!

The news has been devastating to all of us and, as Cathy says, it’s impossible to imagine a world without Kate. Certainly the world will be much the poorer when the inevitable happens.

The only time we have is now, and whilst our thoughts and prayers go out to and for Kate, her family and all her friends, we must always remember the privilege of sharing / having shared the same planet!

Attaining Full Credentials

Last night, for the first time in many weeks, I experienced that sudden exhaustion whereby my aimlessly wilful lower limbs directed me, albeit falteringly, to the house’s upper floor in search of a bed. Object achieved, there came the inevitable collapse onto the nocturnal furniture. Just as night follows day, my body required the assistance of my beloved to carry out the task of its disrobing.

Some thirteen hours later I emerged from the soundest sleep experienced for months, or possibly even years. You might assume that, after this rest, I would be able to face the new day feeling totally refreshed; of course you’d be wrong. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the sense of your body being lined, internally, by a coarse felt sheet which has been (and still is being) subjected to a thumping hollow bruising affect! It’s my duty to inform you that it’s most unpleasant and, you have my sympathy if it falls within the range of your experience!

Anyway, unpleasantries out of the way, I can ignore other familiar ailments and move on to recent more positive experiences / activities. Having replaced a right angled absence on our front fence with a partial small pallet presence, I was able to utilize the base of this ‘new’ fence section as a mini-planter wherein I’ve placed a couple of small ivy plants. Further horticultural endeavours have been centred on the garden at the rear of the house, paying particular attention to the wildlife friendly arena. It’s most rewarding to view the results of previous years’ efforts which are gradually coming to fruition!

Monday of this week saw the celebration of my 65^th birthday, a special milestone as I am now a fully fledged pensioner! At lunchtime ma belle Helen and myself had a light lunch at a newly established local crêperie, Helen partaking of a goats cheese variety whilst I settled for the smoked salmon. As it’s a new venture, the accompanying drinks were free of charge, something most welcome in these financially straitened times!

From 7.00pm onwards, friends of ours called round chez nous, as and when convenient to themselves to partake of a birthday drink and toast the venerable birthday boy. As I’m not much for parties, and especially those of a more formal variety, this arrangement proved ideal. Having been incapable of much socializing, in recent years, it proved most enjoyable to play the (occasionally) sociable host. Although I have lost contact with several of my friends (those who failed to understand my health problems) since becoming an ME sufferer, it was great to know that I’m not totally forgotten! It’s my pleasure to report that a good time was had by all. Snacks and nibbles remaining from this event have made an interesting addition to our more routine diet, and of course we’ve had to make ourselves quaff the remaining wine from sundry open bottles.

The week has quite simply flown by as my beloved had taken the week off from work; time spent with ma belle amoureuse is always a pleasure, it’s remarkable to have a life so blessed!

still grinding on

 

My friend, M (see posting ‘Playing by the Rules’ – ‘Mal’s Murmurings’ 6 January 2008), after many delays involving appeals, renewal of passports and identity cards, returned to Iran towards the end of August. The understanding was that he could then apply to return to this country. His son, meantime, is allowed to remain in the UK to continue his education.

 

Earlier this month M had an appointment at the British Embassy in Tehran and, was requested to return to the embassy yesterday. The embassy duly informed him that they were unable to make a decision (regarding his application) and, the matter is now being referred back to the Home Office. The Home Office is of course the very department that demanded he return home to apply for permission to return and work in the UK.

 

It seems like the monkey has no option but to remain in servitude to the organ grinder!

Bring Me Sunshine

The sun shines, and all seems much better with the world; a bright day has such an amazing effect on one’s sense of well (or even not-so-well) being, it’s only a pity that it has little effect on the multitude of socio-political ills that afflict the majority of humankind.

Just looking out onto the garden gains new vibrancy; each year I’m amazed and encouraged as the first shoots thrust their way into daylight, preparing for spring. (see my poem First Rite on this theme)

Shuffle my way up to the garden pond, look in disgust at the floating debris, think about netting it off but, I’m all too aware that once I make that effort I’ll be too tempted to start on a more widespread cleaning. The piscine inhabitants wouldn’t be too happy about that, this early in the year, so it’s just as well my energy reserves are not exactly fighting for release.

For the moment, I make do with topping up the bird-feeders, pace about a little to give my leg muscles a little stretch, before returning to the house for a nice cuppa (or three) of Earl Grey.

It’s remarkable how much easier it is, on a bright day, to count ones blessings. At a time when I’d lost contact with many of my friends, as my ability to socialize declined, I was able to make contact with others in cyber space, and most importantly able to offer help and encouragement to some of these people.

As my love for my wife grows daily, and that’s starting from a remarkably high plateau, I am so fortunate to have that love reciprocated. Being able to pop down to Open Church, for a cup of Fairtrade coffee and a natter, still seems like a bit of a luxury and, I can only be grateful that I can comfortably manage the walk down there and not be overwhelmed by any background noise. It’s simple things like that, which I would have taken for granted a few years ago, that I have now learnt to appreciate; even the fact that I have a roof over my head, food in the larder and, water on tap provides cause for rejoicing.

Even on a dull, wet day, I am aware of the many blessings (though sometimes it takes a bit of coaxing to bring them to the fore) but, as the sun continues to shine my gratitude is somehow amplified.

A Right Load of Bankers!

Firstly, I must concur with my beloved’s latest posting, to be found on ‘Bright Light’, about the pleasure we have in welcoming our friend Graham as a visitor and, how well he seems compared to the last time he visited. When he lived in Harrogate, he was our regular guest for Sunday Lunch and, we would always see him at least once more during the week. He accepts us as we accept him, warts and all. That is the nature of true friendship.

Helen’s blog then goes on to describe the unwanted services and benefits her bank attempted to sell her yesterday. It really is fortunate that they permit a cooling off period as I became most irate when I read the small print and the (unwittingly) hilarious* description of the review that had taken place. My anger as I devoured the finer details reached way beyond simmering point. My immediate reaction was of the order that, with corrupt capitalistic ventures pretending to offer a service whilst the shears with which they intend to fleece you remain behind their back make this a world unfit to live in. I am quite sad to report that I am a shareholder of this bank, dating back to the time after I voted against the de-mutualization of the building society.

It required a considerable amount of time for me to recover my usual life-affirming posture.

It seems about time that we acquired a more honest English vocabulary, one where the term “service provider” is replaced by “excessive profit maker” and the phrase “we’d like to offer you the benefits of ….,” could be replaced with “we’d like to get our hands on more of your money and, offer fools gold in return”!

It’s good to know that I can still be blessed with a degree of cynicism, as I boldly observe the amazing expansion of Thatcherite ideas under New Labour.

Follow this link, How Banks make money, to read Helens blog posting.

*hilarious only in its inaccuracy.

Malcolm's Travellers Tale

Once again, I've managed a weekend away and apart from a generalized fatigue and the usual aches I'm here to tell the tale!

24th March 2007

As we journey westwards, the day brightens and, once again I’m enraptured by the beauty on our doorstep as we traverse the dales and moorland. As we enter Lancashire, the roadside welcome sign is subtitled “Where Everyone Is Welcome”; I find myself wondering whether our return journey will witness a sign reading “Where No One Cares” as we re-enter God’s own county. The journey goes smoothly and, neither myself nor ma belle chauffeuse feel too exhausted by the effort.

Having signed in at the Travel Inn, my first impulse is to go and have a lie-down on the bed. After a brief rest, we look out of the window and see our friends Peter & Pamela have arrived at the nearby bar so, duty calls us to venture across and share a few glasses of vino before deciding on our evening meal. The conversation flows quite fluidly, after all, we’ve got a couple of years to catch up on since our previous meeting. That’s the beautiful thing about friendship, it’s almost as if the conversation continues from just the day before; an understanding of each others humour and situation makes things so much easier. Pamela and I are the experienced old crocks, Pamela having been a wheelchair user for many years now, although the image in my mind of her racing up fellsides, Peter and I breathlessly following, still seems fresh.

I’ve known the two P’s since university days and, Peter was best man when I married Helen seven brief years ago. Much as travelling disagrees with me, meeting up with old friends makes it most worthwhile. By the time we’ve had our meal, Pamela shows obvious signs of flagging so, we bid our adieus and, it’s not that much later when fatigue takes over for Helen and myself so, an early night is called for.


25th March 2007

To my surprise, we managed to make it down for breakfast in good time but, those old weary blues caught up with me by the time we’d ventured back to our room. A further lie down was called for and, this accounted for the rest of the morning (and early afternoon). By 2.00PM we were ready to head off to Peter & Pamela’s abode and, it wasn’t long before we ventured across to their wine cellar to select a bottle of bubbly. Conversation found its own direction and, we chatted about their Australian holiday as we looked at a few of the copious quantity of photos taken on that occasion as well as venturing down memory lane. For our meal we enjoyed one of Peter’s celebrated kipper and egg kedgerees accompanied by one of Tony Laithwaite’s Chilean Sauvignons. I declined the dessert, which the other three managed to demolish without my participation.

We arrived back at the hotel by 9.00PM, switched on the telly to watch what turned out to be a Jane Austen travesty, switched off the telly after about twenty minutes of this abhorrence and, decided it was time for an early night.


26th March 2007

Once more, this time slightly more of a struggle, made it down in time for breakfast then ventured back to the room where the need for rest was instantly apparent. I duly settled on the bed for forty winks but, when the staff came round to clean the room around 11.00AM I was sound asleep. Emerged from my slumbers at 11.30AM and we went out to sit and have a coffee on the benches outside of the bar whilst the necessary tasks were fulfilled by room service. Back to the room for a bit more rest and, I was just about alert by our friends arrived to direct us to their local, ‘The Hest Bank’. This proved a great opportunity to meet their friends, from Geriatrics Corner, much feted by both Peter and Pamela in their respective blogs. The most difficult decision for me to make, on this occasion, was that between ‘Black Sheep’, ‘Timothy Taylor’s Landlord’ or ‘Caledonian’. A couple of pints of ‘Black Sheep’ sufficed for me before we perused the menu. After an enjoyable meal, it was once more time to bid our farewells, an early night once more being a necessary part of our agenda.

Isolation

Positivity and negativity vie for dominance in my outlook; the positive frequently requires a conscious effort, whilst the negative surreptitiously manoeuvres itself into my soul whenever emotional and physical stamina is at low ebb. The approach of Christmas is having an emotionally bad effect, as I go through my address book and see the number of “friends” who’ve never been in touch at all since health problems removed me from the socializing circuit. Those who I used to regularly meet up with at gigs, concerts, art previews etc. have never bothered to make any contact, whilst others I knew on a more casual basis, even as a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear, still do make the occasional contact. Of course, not being able to go out to work narrows enormously the number of people one is likely to meet! My primary local contacts now tend to be those I meet at ‘Open Church’ and, I quite often feel that those friends I’ve met only in cyberspace are truer friends than many of those with whom I had more frequent “real life” contact. The internet is truly a lifesaver.

Real world friends can almost be counted on the fingers of one hand, apart from some who simply maintain the annual Christmas round robin type of contact. At the worst moments, I feel like I must have betrayed people by not being able to socialize, albeit by force of circumstance rather than choice but, at this time of year the sense of isolation bites much harder. Isolation is frequently more difficult to cope with than the, at times excruciating, pain and fatigue which initially forced one into the limbo of seclusion. Unfortunately, the effort required for any degree of socializing demands such a heavy payback, and only a fool could look forward to payback time!

Anticipation Mounts

A relatively inactive day, surfing the web, grabbing the odd snack, spending a little while in the garden, passed remarkably quickly. It seems strange saying ‘relatively inactive’, I even ask myself “relative to what?” OK, I admit it; just a typically inactive day has passed smoothly enough, the only exercise being a little hand-in-handing walk with my beloved after her return from work. There’s always something special about these shared exercise periods!

*****************************

A week today, a friend from my university days, who I’ve not seen for the best part of thirty years, will be coming to stay with us for a couple of nights and, judging by the occasional e-mail he doesn’t seem to have changed much. [“I should say my needs are very small requiring only a] A toilet b] a Cup of Tea c] A good pub or something similar. I could even bring a sleeping bag if required.”]. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who, after a drink or two, could recite copious passages from Jack London’s ‘Call Of The Wild’ verbatim.

I’ve always suspected that the character of Geoffrey in the series ‘Coupling’ could well have been based on our impending visitor, for reasons too uncanny to detail; a lot of people would consider that an insult but, I trust that those who knew NG would treat the comparison with the same spirit of affection as that in which it is proferred!

After all that build up, I just hope that my beloved won’t be disappointed with the resultant visitor.

We also serve ...

This was posted earlier in the day on my Hirsute Antiquity blog but, thought I'd repeat the posting here for the benefit (?) of those who don't visit me elsewhere. I promise there are different postings there too.

***************************************************

Sometimes, we venture out for an, apparently, aimless meander through the local highways and byways. The timing and the direction are of no particular account; it’s simply that the necessary reserve of stamina was there so, why not?

This morning I ventured out for such a little stroll, armed only with my standard first aid kit, comprising three items. The three items in the kit are a smile, a hug and, an encouraging word. On this occasion, all three items were utilized.

Five minutes after leaving my cosy home base I met Elizabeth G., an octogenarian widow prone to chronic bouts of depression. We talked Poetry, the Brontes, and a little general chit-chat, before going our separate ways. A couple of minutes later, I met with the mother and sister of a friend currently serving his third year as a guest of her majesty. We shared a warm greeting, and a few words, before my gentle meander continued. The next meeting, just a few minutes further down the road was with another Elizabeth, a friend not in the best of health, who has taken it upon herself to be the carer of her more severely ill sister.

Perhaps the timing, and direction we take, are always of account! Having stood to chat, on these three occasions, I sensed it would be foolish to wander quite so far as I otherwise might; a shortcut was called for and, not too hard too find.

Sometimes, it seems as if the path we take is blessed; we also serve who simply meander and wait.

How To Lose Friends and Disinterest People

This evening found me all on my ownsome as my beloved has been out at her second Christmas ‘do’. As far as I’m aware there’s only one more of these events this season but, it does her good to get away from her old moaner. Half an hour after her departure the phone rings and, guess what, the call is for Helen. Ten minutes later it buzzes again but, this time it is for yours truly.

The call is from an artist friend, who I’ve not heard from for some considerable time. This is when the first mistake occurs, “How’s things with you?” he asks. The second mistake follows swiftly upon the first; I start to tell him, not in a ‘down in the dumps' manner I hasten to add. How does one describe a filing cabinet full, of miscellaneous physical and emotional ailments, in a telegram.

As it’s a friend, one realizes it’s not the formal courtesy of enquiring after your health … “How are you?” … which one knows requires a response of, “Fine, and how are you”. On the other hand, they don’t expect a whole diatribe of ailments but, how else does one explain why they’ve been out of circulation for so long.

What he found difficult to understand was why I’ve not got myself up to the loft to do some painting! That’s when the explanation follows, about requiring at least half-an-hour’s rest when I’ve been sufficiently energised to take a shower. Oh, what a joy the conversation must have been.

The Pleasure of Good Company

Amazing, the boost to one's morale that arises from the company of special friends. Had a good lie-in on Sunday morning, ma belle amoureuse reluctant to disturb me as she readied herself for chapel! Even after getting myself mobile, took things very easily. Helen collected our friends, Peter and Pamela, from the West Park at 1.30 pm and, it proved such a pleasure to be in their company.

We enjoyed a little Pignoletto Frizzante aperitif before lunch, one of my preparations that I've not had time to give a name to. [It was excellent anyway, that's what matters]. A bottle of Villa Maria Chardonnay, East Coast NZ, 2002 coped well with the barrage of flavours. For dessert, ma belle amoureuse presented us with her very special sticky toffee pudding.

After our friends departed, we spent a little time in the garden, myself reclining beside the pond - only to be accidentally mauled by Sapphire (a gorgeous Burmese Chinchilla X cat) who woke me with a start, and herself was duly startled, managing to leave two residual scratches perilously close to the groin region. Helen, who had been pottering about nearby, had been oblivious to Sapphire's presence in the garden until my sudden start!

Later evening, we became quite engrossed in an episode of Midsommer Murders that we had missed on first showing, before checking out the Glastonbury coverage on various BBC channels. Coverage has just returned to 'Basement Jaxx' who Heterocon seemed quite enthused by.

These last two days, our friends visit has brought me more relaxation than I've experienced for some time. Thanks to The Oxcliffe Fox.

A Memorable Day

Saturday 25 June proved a memorable day; seeing our dear friends Peter & Pamela proves an amazing tonic. I'm not saying that it cures my miscellaneous aches and discomforts but, it does help one to bear the discomfort a bit more easily. Half an hour after their arrival in town they called around to visit and sup with us.

Peter joined me in the kitchen as I completed preparations for tomorrows lunch, as yet unchristened though I'm sure it will prove immensely satisfying. The four of us then partook of one of our favourite beverages, the exquisite 'Taittiinger', respected and appreciated by this gang of four.

Our guests had booked a table for us at a local Brasserie at the Cedar Court Hotel. The starters were all very satisfactory but, the main courses left quite a lot to be desired in the 'portion' department, a tad more than those godforsaken days of nouvelle cuisine. Despite the menu stating that main courses were served with potatoes, or salad, or green vegetables the haddock that Helen and myself had, (supposedly topped with a crispy welsh rarebit ... in actuality a pleasant coating of cheese sauce), arrived with a couple of leaves of Rocket and un petit peu of sliced tomatoes. When the waiter's attention was caught, he explained that if you wanted potatoes one had to specifically order it; something of a discrepancy with the message at the foot of the menu. We weren't asked whether we wanted salad, or potatoes, or green veg. The portions are a definite minus as far as I'm concerned but, they did arrive with a bowl of elongated, fully jacketed new potaoes reminiscent of dog poo. They tasted quite fine however.

The wine with this meal was a full-flavoured South African Chenin Blanc with subtle floral and lemon notes. Peter and myself were quite taken aback at it's sweetness on first approach, no doubt some of the sweetness was more marked following our dry Taittinger aperitif. Unfortunately my general stamina and discomfort levels required a fairly early return home, but, the evening was the longest time I have managed to be out anywhere for at least the past eighteen months! I have no qualms regarding the quality of the food at this establishment and, they also proferred an interesting wine list.

Later in the evening, Helen and I enjoyed coverage of Coldplay's set from Glastonbury. What can one say; electrifying, mesmerising ... sheer professional artistry, Chris Martin's vocals and stage presence were second to none that I have experienced over many years.

We look forward, once more, to the company of our bestest friends for Sunday afternoon lunch.

Looking Forward

Last night I retired au lit somewhat earlier than of late. Getting off to sleep was still somewhat problematic, despite an early evening walk in the fresher air and feeling tired. Eventually emerged, after a few earlier faltering attempts, into the broad light of day around noon. Was pleased to get confirmation on The Oxcliffe Fox that some of our bestest friends will be traversing the Pennines today! That is indeed good news; not the crossing per se but, rather, that we look forward to their company and presence in God's own county!

I've got to admit that I'm still fighting a tiredness, that even the recently acquired nicotine sticks have difficulty alleviating, but I will boldly struggle on to make the most of our kindred spirits visit.

A Day Of Surprises

Helen's birthday, meteorologically at least, was a day of surprises! Spasmodic outbreaks of sunshine were interrupted by sudden heavy rainfall, bombardments of quite sizeable hailstones and remarkably rapid transitions from bright to relatively dark and back again. The day passed quite smoothly, the lunchtime pasta accompanied by a rather appealing young Chilean Merlot ..Fundo los Naranjos 2004 (Central Valley). The Merlot even managed to retain it's composure in the aftermath of an extremely rich dessert!

Text and e-mail greetings added to Helen's enjoyment, alongside the cards and presents. We were joined for lunch by Graham and Ken; having just realized at around 12.45PM that we had texted Ken ref the time for lunch on his old phone (lost in Vietnam), the situation was soon remedied by a swift call to his new number!

Beth, Mahmood and Sina joined us during the afternoon and added to the present mountain. We are temporarily awash with books, DVD's and bottles of wine, alongside a wonderful Thai silk kimono which Helen looks forward to trying out.

In the evening us two young lovers (ma belle Helene et moi) settled down to some real highbrow culture in the guise of "Carry On Cleo" ... it's saving grace being the lack of subtlety or nuance ... a splendid relaxation!

A Few Plebeian Pleasures

Last evening, a bottle of 'Taittinger' helped this couple of young lovers celebrate the local MP's re-election. We enjoyed watching and listening to "Kiss Me Kate" as we imbibed; somehow Cole Porter always seems a fitting accompaniment to a drop of bubbly. Oh how petit bourgeois I've become (at least that's how it must seem) but honestly, us plebeians can truly appreciate the finer things!

Tomorrow is my beloveds birthday; for lunch, when we'll be joined by Cathy's boyfriend and our friend Graham, we'll be having one of my simple pasta dishes followed by Helen's special Sticky Toffee Pudding. I will try to force myself to be on my best behaviour, despite being at a difficult age! Maybe when I get through my lengthy mid-life crisis it will no longer be a problem!