A day of some discomfort, at times considerable but, I almost kept on smiling through. It was one of those days when computer technology seemed to have a mind of it's own, whilst my nind drifted away from anything I hoped to concentrate on.
When Helen arrived back from her day at the hospital and, a trip out with Beth, it proved a real bright-spot in my day. She popped a couple of potatoes in the oven, to get on with the baking process whilst she got on with her blog and caught up with e-mails. When the potatoes were ready, I chargrilled some Salmon along with cherry tomatoes, peppers and mushrooms, as an abundantly overflowing filling for the jacket pots.
Our friend Graham came around this evening and, left more relaxed than when he arrived. At least I managed to get him and ma belle amoureuse laughing; quite on form tonight! I'm not the perfect misery my blog at times seems to be striving towards.
The tiredness, which has never really left me all day, is starting to really make it's presence felt. Let's hope there's no need for more messages ce soir.
- living and frequently struggling with moderate M.E. -
where (bad) health, faith, politics and the joys and troubles of daily life collide.
ME
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Restless
After a couple of better night's sleep, tonight is back to a tale of discomfort. A restlesness on retiring, stretching my limbs every which way all to no avail The convulsive like twitching of the legs I couldn't quite control and, suddenly all the nerve endings in my body seemed to be set on edge. Much as I love snuggling up to my beloved (and vice-versa) I suddenly couldn't tolerate being touched, the price to be paid was a cringing shudder.
Perhaps the rather negative vibe to my day has now allocated itself to the night as well. I've just been down to make myself a mug of drinking chocolate, an action designed more to occupy my by now restless mind as any actual benefit it may have.
Sitting upright, in front of this bit of technology, temporarily seems to be the most comfortable position. Wish I could say as much for the process of hitting the keys. Radio 2 plays quietly in the background, a soothing companion in my solitude. I'm trusting it won't be too long until my mind and body are sufficiently relaxed to contemplate some sleep.
Sweet Dreams.
Perhaps the rather negative vibe to my day has now allocated itself to the night as well. I've just been down to make myself a mug of drinking chocolate, an action designed more to occupy my by now restless mind as any actual benefit it may have.
Sitting upright, in front of this bit of technology, temporarily seems to be the most comfortable position. Wish I could say as much for the process of hitting the keys. Radio 2 plays quietly in the background, a soothing companion in my solitude. I'm trusting it won't be too long until my mind and body are sufficiently relaxed to contemplate some sleep.
Sweet Dreams.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
A Hollow Day
Today was, in considerable parts, a day of hollowness; a kind of depression, in response to noticing all the tasks that I could be doing in the home and garden and yet, don't feel able to tackle. When one of these hollow days occurs, every slight hiccup to one's routine takes on a disproportionate weight.
When it comes to summing up this quite negative day however, it is the good things that come foremost in the mind, like the company of an adored and adoring wife. The usual light chores, which can be pleasures on a better day, seem to get done ... e.g. feeding the fish in both pond and aquarium, preparing dinner for Helen and myself ... but, the rest of the day is lost in a drift of resting and moping.
Mid-evening brought about an improvement in my mood, when I received (via e-mail) four more photos of my gorgeous great-niece. Her special smile is enough to drive away the blues. After that I seemed to manage to raise sufficient energy to watch a couple of episodes of CSI with my beloved.
When it comes to summing up this quite negative day however, it is the good things that come foremost in the mind, like the company of an adored and adoring wife. The usual light chores, which can be pleasures on a better day, seem to get done ... e.g. feeding the fish in both pond and aquarium, preparing dinner for Helen and myself ... but, the rest of the day is lost in a drift of resting and moping.
Mid-evening brought about an improvement in my mood, when I received (via e-mail) four more photos of my gorgeous great-niece. Her special smile is enough to drive away the blues. After that I seemed to manage to raise sufficient energy to watch a couple of episodes of CSI with my beloved.
Just for the sake of Being
Just popped by, en route from tending to Heterocon's impulses. It has started to become a habit with Heterocon, to clutch at "coffin nails" instead of straws. If you find this perplexing visit the following two entries : "A Question of Understanding" and "My Old Friend Nick Teen".
Once again I find myself struggling with fatigue, although the aches and pains are on a much lesser scale than of late. The big question always is ... How much do I/dare I push myself. When it comes to mental exertion the situation is even more problematic; whereas at times we can set aside physical chores, the ruminations of the mind continue unabated come rain or shine.
Perhaps, if I could find a shortcut to restoring my once pretty good powers of concentration, I could immerse myself in a good book thus cutting down on the time given to my meandering thoughts! I am therefore I think, to twist Descartes maxim into a more existentialist framework ... then all that remains is the action consequent upon the thought.
Sorry, I'm rambling again; I only called in to prevent any feelings of neglect!
Once again I find myself struggling with fatigue, although the aches and pains are on a much lesser scale than of late. The big question always is ... How much do I/dare I push myself. When it comes to mental exertion the situation is even more problematic; whereas at times we can set aside physical chores, the ruminations of the mind continue unabated come rain or shine.
Perhaps, if I could find a shortcut to restoring my once pretty good powers of concentration, I could immerse myself in a good book thus cutting down on the time given to my meandering thoughts! I am therefore I think, to twist Descartes maxim into a more existentialist framework ... then all that remains is the action consequent upon the thought.
Sorry, I'm rambling again; I only called in to prevent any feelings of neglect!
Monday, July 25, 2005
Love Struck
Heterocon has already recalled my disastrous struggles with a rabid vegetable oil bottle but, that wasn't the end of the story. On hearing my gasps and groans of exasperation, my beloved came dashing through to the rescue; at this point I heard a sudden roll of thunder which I was swiftly to discover was a tremendous collision between Helen's left hand and the lounge door.
Throughout the evening the pain has been growing, as I hear her moaning about a severely corrupted hand! No, actually, I can quite believe tha pain has been increasing, as can be evidenced by the expanding first-finger knuckle. I did wonder why she kept shunning me when I attempted to hold her hand. It's hard to please some people!
Throughout the evening the pain has been growing, as I hear her moaning about a severely corrupted hand! No, actually, I can quite believe tha pain has been increasing, as can be evidenced by the expanding first-finger knuckle. I did wonder why she kept shunning me when I attempted to hold her hand. It's hard to please some people!
Side by Side
So far there has been little risk of me becoming alert, at least it means no new routines to get the hang of. It's amazing that, in the space of a few minutes, on Helen's return from the day hospital, I could manage to lose a half-full tumbler of H20! It's almost enough to drive one to drink.
Apart from a bit of web-surfing, looking at paintings by old friends of mine, seeking more info and prices on widescreen laptops but, more generally following a barely conscious trail through web-sites whose content I have no recollection of.
My beloved and I are currently sat, side-by-side at our respective PC and laptop, tapping away at the keyboard to the background strains of Radio 3. We actually do talk to each other but, it's really good to check out her blog ... it saves me the effort of putting her verbal comments into some kind of perspective.
Anyway, that's enough gibberish for now. Thanks for popping by.
Apart from a bit of web-surfing, looking at paintings by old friends of mine, seeking more info and prices on widescreen laptops but, more generally following a barely conscious trail through web-sites whose content I have no recollection of.
My beloved and I are currently sat, side-by-side at our respective PC and laptop, tapping away at the keyboard to the background strains of Radio 3. We actually do talk to each other but, it's really good to check out her blog ... it saves me the effort of putting her verbal comments into some kind of perspective.
Anyway, that's enough gibberish for now. Thanks for popping by.
Grateful Thanks
Last night provided me with a better night's sleep than of late. At 3.00am, however, I had to remove myself from the bed once more; this time it was to down a few teaspoonfuls of Gaviscon in an emergency attempt to quell a bout of reflux. Perhaps it's time to renew the prescription for proton pump inhibitors, a medication which had obviously proved its worth.
It really was a rfereshing change though, to spend the night without the lower limbs, particularly, taking on a convulsive life of their own. Any aches in the upper limbs were also minimal. For a more restful night, I give thanks.
If I'm not careful, before I know it, I may even become alert during the day.
It really was a rfereshing change though, to spend the night without the lower limbs, particularly, taking on a convulsive life of their own. Any aches in the upper limbs were also minimal. For a more restful night, I give thanks.
If I'm not careful, before I know it, I may even become alert during the day.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
And That's Another Day Of Rest
Fatigue was once again the keynote of my day, it certainly proved fitting for the day of rest! I had managed to raise myself from my bed before Helen returned from Chapel; her return served as a reminder that perhaps it was time to shower and get dressed.
The spicy herbed chicken dish, prepared last evening, exceeded expectations (and they are high enough). At least I can still manage to produce some culinary triumphs. Whilst dining, we listened again to "Songs For The New Millenium: Breaking The Chains", a 17 track CD produced for the Methodist Publishing House. The diversity of styles and influences, blues, soul, world music etc., together with it's themes of Peace, Faith, Hope and Justice, makes this, for me, one of the most refreshing praise and worship albums. After that, we listened to some of Steve Brookstein's "Heart & Soul" before Helen drove me down to PC World, for twenty minutes laptop browsing.
Enjoyed "Songs of Praise" before tea, although by that time I was struggling a little to keep my eyes open. We were both looking forward to the final instalment of "Donovan" at 9.00pm but, in the light of recent events, this had been postponed. In it's place an episode of "Midsommer Murders" (I believe it was called 'Death of A Hollow Man') was shown . We both enjoyed such a good laugh in this episode that it totally overcame my tiredness.
For the first time in the day, I am now starting to feel quite wide-awake.
The spicy herbed chicken dish, prepared last evening, exceeded expectations (and they are high enough). At least I can still manage to produce some culinary triumphs. Whilst dining, we listened again to "Songs For The New Millenium: Breaking The Chains", a 17 track CD produced for the Methodist Publishing House. The diversity of styles and influences, blues, soul, world music etc., together with it's themes of Peace, Faith, Hope and Justice, makes this, for me, one of the most refreshing praise and worship albums. After that, we listened to some of Steve Brookstein's "Heart & Soul" before Helen drove me down to PC World, for twenty minutes laptop browsing.
Enjoyed "Songs of Praise" before tea, although by that time I was struggling a little to keep my eyes open. We were both looking forward to the final instalment of "Donovan" at 9.00pm but, in the light of recent events, this had been postponed. In it's place an episode of "Midsommer Murders" (I believe it was called 'Death of A Hollow Man') was shown . We both enjoyed such a good laugh in this episode that it totally overcame my tiredness.
For the first time in the day, I am now starting to feel quite wide-awake.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Clearing The Air
The last employment I had, before my present bout of ill health, was as Caretaker / Steward at my local Parish Church. The ill health actually started whilst I was still in that employment, a fact which was soon to be overlooked by the Vicar. Throughout the employment, I received much praise for my dedication and commitment above and beyond the hours for which I received remuneration.
Frequently, whilst suffering various minor ailments (and even flu-like symptoms), a bout of labyrinthitis etc. .. I continued to labour there, even whilst undergoing chiropractic treatment for a frozen shoulder, after the failure of hydrocortisone injections to alleviate the problem.
Eventually, I reached a state of both physical and emotional collapse and, had no option other than to quit rather abruptly. A couple of the wardens apologized to me but, the rather myopic Vicar could only say that I had let them down.
It was over three months later that I was able, with the encouragement of Helen, to pluck up the courage to visit my GP; such was the severity of my emotional exhaustion!
My successor was given double the hours to perform much the same tasks (unsuccesfully, in part due to theill-health of the new postholder) and, with additional chores, it has now become a full-time post.
Now, some twenty months down the line, I still smart at the Vicar's insensitivity and, realize that I must let it go! In so many ways I still have a great deal of respect for the man but, this one splinter took on such gargantuan proportions that, neither my wife nor myself felt able to continue worshipping there. Admittedly, at the moment, I have great difficulty in being condemned to a be in a roomful of people for the duration of a service, no matter where!
I seek forgiveness for holding this grudge; as I've already stated in many ways I admire this man, who was an amazing mixture of pastor, minister and administrator; his major failing is being a workaholic, which perhaps leaves him blind to the all too frail flesh of others!
I just, suddenly, had the desire to sweep out this murky closet.
Frequently, whilst suffering various minor ailments (and even flu-like symptoms), a bout of labyrinthitis etc. .. I continued to labour there, even whilst undergoing chiropractic treatment for a frozen shoulder, after the failure of hydrocortisone injections to alleviate the problem.
Eventually, I reached a state of both physical and emotional collapse and, had no option other than to quit rather abruptly. A couple of the wardens apologized to me but, the rather myopic Vicar could only say that I had let them down.
It was over three months later that I was able, with the encouragement of Helen, to pluck up the courage to visit my GP; such was the severity of my emotional exhaustion!
My successor was given double the hours to perform much the same tasks (unsuccesfully, in part due to theill-health of the new postholder) and, with additional chores, it has now become a full-time post.
Now, some twenty months down the line, I still smart at the Vicar's insensitivity and, realize that I must let it go! In so many ways I still have a great deal of respect for the man but, this one splinter took on such gargantuan proportions that, neither my wife nor myself felt able to continue worshipping there. Admittedly, at the moment, I have great difficulty in being condemned to a be in a roomful of people for the duration of a service, no matter where!
I seek forgiveness for holding this grudge; as I've already stated in many ways I admire this man, who was an amazing mixture of pastor, minister and administrator; his major failing is being a workaholic, which perhaps leaves him blind to the all too frail flesh of others!
I just, suddenly, had the desire to sweep out this murky closet.
Drifting Through Another Day
Heterocon has already reported on the beginning of my (conscious) day and, it has proceeded in a pretty non-eventful way. All formal proceedings, getting dressed, having a shower, feeding the fish, have been dealt with.
The main part of tomorrows dinner has been prepared, spicy herbed Chicken in a rich peppers, mushrooms, and cherry tomato sauce with tantalizing hints of lemon, ginger and garam masala. When Helen comes back from chapel in the morning, all that's left to do is pop the prepared chicken dish in the oven, and a steamer full of vegetables on the gas-ring ... et voila! I am so fortunate to have such a good personal shopper in the shape of Helen, just as she's so fortunate in having an excellent cook like me.
It's important that I blow my own trumpet, otherwise I may get overlooked. Apart from the chores referred to, the major task of the day has been staying awake; I just have a sneaking feeling, which Helen shares, that I maybe overdid it yesterday! I really must develop pacing skills, in order to enjoy all the more the things I can manage.
The main part of tomorrows dinner has been prepared, spicy herbed Chicken in a rich peppers, mushrooms, and cherry tomato sauce with tantalizing hints of lemon, ginger and garam masala. When Helen comes back from chapel in the morning, all that's left to do is pop the prepared chicken dish in the oven, and a steamer full of vegetables on the gas-ring ... et voila! I am so fortunate to have such a good personal shopper in the shape of Helen, just as she's so fortunate in having an excellent cook like me.
It's important that I blow my own trumpet, otherwise I may get overlooked. Apart from the chores referred to, the major task of the day has been staying awake; I just have a sneaking feeling, which Helen shares, that I maybe overdid it yesterday! I really must develop pacing skills, in order to enjoy all the more the things I can manage.
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