Saying whoa! to woe

Although last evening was most relaxed, by the time bed-time arrived, a void was waiting to be be taken over by the demons of stress. There wasn't anything I could put my finger on, it was more a kind of suffocation by the sum total of my minor ailments. A yearning to regain some of my former energy or, at least the stamina and courage to get out and do dome socializing, seems to be at the heart of it. Learning to live within limitations always sounds much easier than it feels!

Guilt at my inability to tackle many tasks continues to gnaw at me; this is the guy who would keep slogging away at work, sometimes against other's advice, regardless of the state of my health, that is now wondering whether he'll be able to get out for a bbw or manage to prepare lunch on any given day. This same guy is also gregarious by nature but, finds himself unable to cope with even quite modest crowds.

Of course, when one is tired, that's when they're most prone to these anxieties but, unfortunately, tiredness is integral to my current state of being, regardless of the amount (or Quality) of sleep. Sometimes life drags, when a rag-bag of ailments yearns for but, doubts that any diagnosis is available.

Having whinged on, almost to the point of self-pity, I should point out that at this present moment I feel quite positive about the day!

Premonitions of Disarray

Impending danger; today the alarm bells started ringing, stress levels suddenly swung right off the scale. Ever since the plumbing emergency of very recent memory we had decided on a revamped bathroom but today, when I went up there with a measuring tape, the logistics seemed more daunting. Even to have the smallest shower cubicle installed will require a re-siting of the washbasin, if we go for the bath and shower panels option various re-sitings will have to take place.

For a matter of greater import, whilst any work is performed in the bathroom, it will be necessary for us to remove the major wineracks from their cupboard space, which shares the joists and certain lengths of floorboarding with the bathroom. As you may well be aware, wine has a quite sensitive soul which does not take kindly to vibration. Needless to say, I share this sensitivity but, whereas I can be redeemed from the effects of vibration the same cannot necessarily be said of wine.

Perhaps I am crying wolf and, any transformation of the bathroom will not prove quite so traumatic as is my dread! The past couple of years has seen us having a new dampcourse, new combi-boiler, new gasfire, warm-roof insulation after necessary repairs and replacement, a new larger hatch into the, subsequently, newly floored loft space! My survival of such devasating events is, in and of itself, little short of a miracle!

For the time being, this fatigued spirit attempts to rejoice in the present moment.

Documenting Documentaries

Our friend Graham came around this evening and, our first task was to transfer the contents of a DVD-R to VHS video for an elderly neighbour of his. In fact the material on the DVD-R proved quite interesting to both Helen and myself. It really feels good when performing a task for a neighbour becomes a pleasure in and of itself.

After that we caught up on three recently recorded TV programmes, two instalments of 'My Life As A Child', a fascinating child's eye view of themselves and their families and, a documentary 'Sad To Be Gay' in which a gay man sought help ... wondering if his sexuality was nature or nurture ... to change! The experience, in a heavily religious community stateside proved quite traumatic but, was nonetheless doomed to failure. Unlike many of the other 'clients', he wasn't starting out from a premise of self-loathing. By the end of the programme he seemed resigned to the fact that it perhaps wasn't his lot to be a husband in a traditional nuclear family. A consolation seemed to be that at least he had a 'family' in the form of his god-children. Helen and myself both felt uneasy with the healing ministry's starting premise, that somehow "being gay is not really who you are!"

Quite amazingly, in spite of still feeling rather fatigued, I managed to retain a reasonable degree of concentration for each of these short programmes.

Time moves faster than thought ... (?)

Seemed to get a better night's sleep but, still felt exhausted and, seemed unable to find the necessary energy reserves to remove myself from duvet-dom until 11.00AM. Since that time I've been checking out security bulletins, downloading and installing necessary updates on the PC and both laptops.

I just seem to lose track of time although, I did remember the lunch-time feed for the pond fish; suppose I ought to get on with the lunchtime feed for yours truly! So, speak to you later!

A Long Night's Journey ....

Some initial sound sleep rapidly transformed itself,and me, into a restless fireball of flesh! Before the sound sleep, my body moved through one of it's hyper-sensitive phases; the accidental touch of the beloved's toe on my calf muscle was enough to drive both upper and lower limbs into a convulsive frenzy. Even the brush of Helen's breath, on my naked shoulder, was enough to send me to the edge of that moment when playful tickling becomes excrutiating torment!

The thing is, I survived and, once more rejoice in this day the Lord has made.

And Today Was Good

Despite dealing with some little technical glitches with the laptop, reported on today by Heterocon, and doing my bit of lawn tending (see previous post), the day still finds me in reasonable form! Tonight I take my final reduced dose of Mirtazapine so, we'll see how I go on from here.

Today the joint pains have been quite minimal and, the fatigue less marked. Still, at the moment I've to listen to my body and rest if necessary.

I truly can rejoice in a much better day!

A Brighter Prospect

Last night I started, after a mid-evening snooze, to have all the signs of an imminent streaming cold. I actually greeted that prospect with rather ambivalent feelings as, for the past 10 days or so I'd had sore, occasionally reddening, eyes and a by now habitual wonky throat. Anyway, I decided to have a nice late-night drink of ginger & lemon, together with my 500mg VitC and a couple of paracetamol, in the hope of "sweating it out".

This morning there was no sign of a cold developing and, for a welcome change, I felt rather more alert than of late! One Swallow doesn't make a Summer but, it's usually a welcome sign; just stretch myself gradually!

Decided to have a go at mowing the lawn, a task long overdue ... especially to clear a way through the mini-wildlife meadow section; this was certainly a task that got the perspiration going, especially scalp-wise. The sun, each time it came out of hiding, was more than my polished pate could take so, I had to don a sunhat; the sunhat ,in it's turn, created a mini steam room on the top of my head.

I carefully showed Helen how to adjust the cutting level of the mower, just in case I couldn't manage but, I am pleased to report that I finished the course with honour and, an urgent requirement to sit down and rest my weary limbs!

Thought For The Day

Today, we have enjoyed each others company and, this evening, imbibed the bubbly which had been set aside for yesterday. After a rather belated start to the day, I did manage, after lunch, to get out for a little walk and, in spite of my knees making their presence felt, didn't feel too bad for the experience.

At 7.00 pm we settled down to watch an episode of Sherlock Holmes (ITV3) but, unfortunately, I managed to sleep through most of it.

On awaking, the Taittinger summoned me to pop it's cork and, thus was our anniversary celebration re-launched ... an accompaniment of the soundtrack to "Kiss Me Kate" had us joining in with joyous recognition! Somehow, the music of Cole Porter always seems to be conducive to a fuller enjoyment of Champagne.

The mood rather mellowed as we viewed the docu-drama "Hiroshima" (BBC1); it really is amazing how a 'neutral' science can be used for both the most humane and the most bestial of purposes. Sadly, human-kind (regardless of geographic location) seems to have a habit of following jingo-istic leaders, rather than ethical values. Perhaps obedience to one's principles, like the path of discipleship to Christ, proves too arduous to follow!

Perhaps ...

Is it because it's Sunday and, my beloved has recently returned from Church, or is it the reminder of life's fragility that the Hiroshima anniversary has brought home once more, that has me (out of the blue) quite joyously meditating on the eternal now! Of a sudden, I feel prompted to re-engage myself with the writings of Paul Tillich; not the convulted Systematic Theology, in whose lair I have spent many happy weeks and months whilst youth was still on my side but, rather the sermons and shorter studies with which I may once again be able to educate my current limited powers of concentration.

On my life's journey, there have been many significant literary/philosophical/theological encounters, that have served to enrich and enliven all subsequent experience .... Heidegger, Kierkegaard, Marx, Bultmann, Wittgenstein, Moltmann, Sartre, Camus, Dostoevsky ... many names invade and evade my consciousness at this moment but, words and ideas have always been a cause for great excitement. Perhaps, I can train my limited concentration once more to lead me back into that ecstatic discovery of diverse understandings of the same reality!

.... And An Alert

About half-an-hour after our return, from our anniversary lunch, remembered I hadn't fed the fish in the garden pond. When I picked up the food stick container, from the kitchen, I thought it felt rather wet. On returning to the house, I noticed a little pool of water on one of the kitchen work surfaces. Alarm bells sounded, it can't be the combi-water heater that's only recently been replaced but, it was in that general vicinity. Eventually noticed that the slow trickle was coming down the side of the cupboard containing the water heater; further alarms sounded when we noticed the ceiling was wet.

Next thing check the alignment ... aha ... that's where the bath is. Sure enough, the hot water tap, long past it's sell by date had water trickling underneath it. Next we removed the side panel from the bath and, the pipes were wet. It's quite strange really as, ninety-nine percent of the time we only use the shower; perhaps we should be grateful for that! Anyway, the emergency plumber has now been and tightened the tap and put a bit more sealant at that end of the bath.

We had contemplated replacing the bath/ shower with a proper shower cubicle, surely more convenient as we move towards a more general state of decrepitude, and now we feel it has become a matter of some urgency. So, today we have the Feast of the Transfiguration, the Hiroshima anniversary, our engagement anniversary and, a minor plumbing emergency.

Just how much can one pack into a single day!