Talking To Myself

Ridiculously early as it may be, by my standards, sat here in my wonderful warm boucle dressing gown I feel almost awake. Now is the time to be sensible; I will not have a shower, I will have some breakfast cereal, I will rejoice in this day the Lord has made. I will bask in the warm and tender love of ma belle amoureuse; I will try to not upset my beloved and, God knows, I can be very trying!

Being awake is not a call to 'achieve', it is simply a present fact. Why do we always seek to make it more complicated.

Something of a quandary

A lot of the time I have to resort to PPI's to quell my gastric reflux problems but then, on occasion I find it necessary to take anti-inflammatories to deal with various muscular and joint pains. Whilst the anti-inflammatories can at times be effective, an unfortunate side-effect is to cause further gastric problems.

Reflux can be a major contributor to sleep disruption but, then again, so can muscular aches and pains. I don't think it's a difficult balance to maintain ... simply impossible!

And Who'll Be Going Home Tonight

My body seems to have been intent on grinding me down for the last couple of weeks but, I'm still looking for rainbows. Television supplied a little light relief, this evening, in the form of "The X-Factor"; it's always good to hear the honest and constructive criticism proffered by Simon and, there are some really personable performers. Once it was down to the final two acts ... the telephone vote having put the other ten acts through ... it was so predictable that Sharon and Louis would go for the crass third-rate exhibitionist. Sorry to see 'Addictiv Ladies' go home so soon. The acts I'll be looking out for (and looking forward to) in the coming weeks are Andy, Journey South, Brenda and Chenia although during the auditions my first tip would have been Shayne.

Anyway, immediately X-Factor had finished, we switched over to the chamber operas on BBC4 to hear a whole different kind of singing. Our young friend Graham commented, ref. one of the sopranos ... "I wonder if she'll be going home tonight?" Quite strangely, within a few minutes the character she was playing lay dead. How's that for going home?

A Day Of Changing Fortunes

A somewhat groggy start to the day, pretty well par for the course at present, was even accompanied by spasmodic excruciating back-ache, foreshadowed what in many respects was to prove a more positive day. As the mail box 'clunked' with delivery of 'PC Advisor' and some other hopeful mail, a video ordered from the US of A a mere 9 days ago also arrived! Another mail item was a message from the Health Authority, responding to a referral from my GP. It was good to know that all stops are now being pulled out.

This afternoon, Helen A (the physiotherapist) arrived to administer my first acupuncture treatment. As I relaxed, breathing slowly, I was reminded of days of yore when I practised meditation as I lay there 'watching' my breathing. Helen A thought that meditation could prove helpful and, said that if I got back into it so would she. This could prove mutually beneficial. Next Wednesday she will be administering a more intensive Acupuncture treatment. It's early days yet, for this treatment and, no promises can be made but, it is a welcome opportunity.

When Helen, ma belle amoureuse, arrived home she gently administered Ibuprofen gel to the pain afflicted area of my back. I later managed to prepare one of my special (fresh) Salmon savoury rice dishes, a delight to the palates of my beloved et moi.

Not a lot of ado about very little

Heterocon has recorded my relative lack of activity today …” relative to what?” you may ask. And all I can say is, “Good Question”!

A Touch of Nostalgia

Nostalgia is everywhere these days; still recovering from the recent Dylan Fest, I'm currently relishing, and simultaneously recording to DVD, the CREAM Re-union concert (BBC4). It's a small miracle the Re-union concerts ever occurred.

Before Cream were thought of, Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker on occasion played 'Klook's Kleek' (The Railway Hotel, West Hampstead) as members of the Graham Bond Organization ... and, lucky me, I lived (literally) within earshot on Broadhurst Gardens, but I still went in. Travelled up West a bit to see Clapton with The Yardbirds at the Marquee too, never really rated them nor the moddy environment.

To be young and living in The Smoke in those halcyon days ... sadly I was, on occasion, too wrecked to optimise the experience but, had I not been wrecked ... well that would would perhaps mean I missed it all anyhow!

The Circle Of Guilt

Today has been a day on my own, as my beloved has gone over to meet her brother David in Horton-in-Ribblesdale. How I would have loved to have gone off on this jaunt but, travel is something I’m just unable to contemplate at present. Much as I hate being parted from Helen, for any amount of time, it’s always pleasing to see how much her health has improved.

At times I find myself feeling guilty as my ill-health potentially holds us back from most joint social activities. It truly is devastating how fatigue, and associated discomforts, divorce one from a once reasonably active social life. When eleven hours of nocturnal sleep leave one unrefreshed, perhaps in part due to spasmodic disruptions (miscellaneous muscular and joint aches, aggressive bouts of reflux etc.), it becomes increasingly difficult to motivate ones-self to follow any regular routine.

Even when one has had this (excessive) amount of sleep, it still does not alleviate the need for further rest during the day. The erratic nature of these various symptoms, make it incredibly difficult to plan any activities in advance. Being incapable of planning any outings with my beloved, I feel guilty; this is harmful to my beloved so the guilt intensifies. I apologize for not being well but, of course, this makes no sense … pardon me for living etc. …! And so the guilt rolls on.

Frustration with the situation leads to mood changes, and occasional inappropriate outbursts of temper, yet overall I feel so privileged to be in such a loving relationship. Being grateful, I want to give more but am unable to; guilt is once more the result!

Being unable to perform any routine occupation, since leaving my part-time employment some 22 months ago, conflicts with the Protestant Work Ethic into which I was born and raised. Result: Guilt. Any occupation requires a degree of alertness, energy, concentration, each quality which is in randomly short supply.

And so the circle goes on … and on … and ….

A Little Mystery

The mythology surrounding the Dove, be it Greek, Indian or Biblical is immensely fascinating. For me one of the most potent factors for it becoming a peace symbol is it's lack of bile or gall. What suddenly made me think about this was, my wife bringing home a Peace Lily (Spathiphyllum) and, on the care instructions came the following caution : "Sap may irritate skin".

So, we have the dove totally without bile as a symbol of peace and, the peace lily with an irritant sap. I have not yet formulated the lesson to be gained.

A Mind Of Their Own

From time to time, certain computer programmes seem to respond/not respond in a completely unpredictable fashion. One is almost tempted to believe that they are human!

Today whilst attempting to copy an item from a particular webpage into MS Word, I repeatedly encountered the query whether I wished to send an error report. After five or six failed attempts decided to give up. This occurred whilst using IE as my web-browser. By way of experiment tried pasting the same item into Open Office Writer : no problem!

Switched over to Firefox and, no problem copying the same item into MS Word. It is almost as if there was a bit of internecene conflict in the MS camp. Perhaps it's yet another glitch with IE, I've been getting quite used to them but, on further testing, it only seems to be when I'm copying from that particular webpage.

I'll just have to regard the temporary frustration as another aspect of life's rich tapestry and, find a life!

Faecal Emissions

The sun actually emerged from behind the milky clouds, for how long I'm unable to tell you. Having just eaten my lunch, exhaustion simply overtook me and a 'few minutes' lie down ate up a goodly portion of the afternoon. In general it has been a day of grogginess for me and, sheer frustration as I glanced at the form that the DWP require me to complete. A requirement, in several places, to "tick one box only" where two or three may apply (dependent on the day) is a particular cause of frustration verging on anger.

The prospect of a further medical examination, the waiting area (into which one is locked for periods of time) is extremely claustrophobic and, the journey to get there is for me nothing short of a nightmare.

In all, a day of stress, anxiety and exhaustion. I have until the end of the month to complete the impossible form but, I don't want to hang on to it for too long. Official forms remind me of faeces; it is with total relief one expels them from one's system. On this happy note, I bid my readers adieu.