Two Steps Back ... but where is the forward one?

Heterocon has already commented (See Selling One’s Soul) on last evening’s diminishing of my emotional stamina, indirectly linking it to my quitting smoking; a negative “progress report” you could call it. Although watching ‘Have I Got News For You’ (BBC2) and, to my surprise, ‘They Think It’s All Over’ (BBC1), served to bring a little light through the gloom, ensuing sleep proved a rather episodic affair. The worst feature of the night’s “rest” was the painful stiffness in my neck, closely allied with chronic earache, which required me to elevate my torso (on feeble upper limbs) in order to seek a more comfortable position in which to lay my head. It's quite surprising, the effort required for a quarter turn of the head!

You may have gathered that sleep, of this spasmodic kind, provided very little refreshment but, I still managed to disentangle myself from the duvet’s lair at a reasonable time (10.10AM). The neck discomfort, and a vice like headache, prevailed through the rest of the morning and, a rather fatigued Malcolm (eyelids propped on matchsticks) struggled to knock up a little pasta dish for his beloved and himself.

My chauffeuse (the self-same beloved I had catered for) then drove me into town, to visit the Job Opportunities Fair. I would have been ready to leave immediately had my beloved not dealt with the registration desk, allowing me to shuffle my feet to the far end of the room where the ‘Yes2Work’ stall was situated. Fortunately we seemed to be the only visitors there and, I immediately seated myself at the stall whilst my beloved supplied them with a few of her details. I had very little to contribute, apart from having made the effort to visit at all!

The grey wetness of the day seemed to complement the way I felt. At least it provided a ‘social’ outing to alleviate the pressures of my usual home-based regime. The experience was not quite as exhausting as I anticipated; the positive element, for me, was a fresh environment to do nothing in!

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Helen contacted In-Home Legal Services, following the advice from Halifax Bank, to try and arrange a refund for the aberrant multiple payments the Halifax had made to them from our account. The first suggestion by IHLS was that we should contact the bank! The saga continues.

A Better Day - Interruptions Notwithstanding

Pleased to report a better day, with little joint discomfort, since emerging from duvet-dom at 10.30AM. Even a shower failed to exhaust me and, wonder of wonders, I was able to wear my dentures after a few days absence. My beloved, having attended her German conversation class this morning, drove me into town at lunchtime to carry out a minor transaction at the bank. Unfortunately, she had to return to the banking emporium, this afternoon, to sort out the Standing Order problem [see When Will They Ever Learn on Heterocon’s blog].

Further to the unsolicited ‘phone call referred to by Heterocon, a further ‘phone call interrupted the already waning attention I was giving to an OTT play on Radio 4. This call was from my key-worker at Yes2Work (quite strangely, since first contacting them, last year, my health deteriorated further) telling me about a New Opportunities Jobs Fair in our locality. It may prove of interest to my beloved if I’m up to it and, she drives me down there. This call was swiftly followed by a further buzzing of the ‘phone; this time a ‘courtesy’ call from Serif to update me on the latest software. I already do use, and have used Page Plus and Photo Plus, in various versions and, would recommend them as good value programmes; unfortunately, having to watch my pennies at the moment, it maybe wasn’t the most appropriate time for the call.

As I write, my beloved has returned from her bank visit and, now has to contact In-Home Legal Services for a refund of the overpayments on the standing order. According to the woman my wife spoke to at the bank today, the lady at the Halifax who "sorted out" the problem (in January) had not done it right ! Isn't that a remarkable insight, a sign of an incisive mind ... if the job had been done correctly at that time, we wouldn't have to waste our efforts! Furthermore, I wouldn't be tempted to quit quitting (that's a reference to smoking, my contribution to the fat cats running the pernicious tobacco industry and the exchequer) without this unnecessary stress ... it seems that the capitalists are out to get us whichever way we turn!

In Everything Give Thanks

Third Non-Smoking Day : I swear that it ain’t easy, especially when some yob last night smashed off half of the number plate on my beloved’s car, parked on the forecourt. Later we read in the local paper that, in this area, number plates have been getting stolen.

Loving one’s enemies is bloody difficult; especially the sort of thoughts that whiz through my mind.

Progress Report: No queasiness or nausea today and, the nicotine patch remains in place. I still find that the craving for a cigarette or, at the very least, the lighting up and first drag ritual, is much stronger than it ever was during my abortive cold-turkey attempt to quit the habit. I’m even having a suck on the dreaded ‘Crafe Away’!

In general the advice in various quit-smoking booklets and leaflets is totally irrelevant to my situation. The “just think what you can spend the money you save on” argument means nothing. I’ve only ever spent what I know I can afford and, retail therapy has never held any appeal. Craving possessions is part of the human malaise … the Buddha had quite a bit to say about that! I don’t see any point in replacing one craving with another. And surely, if economics are part of the reason for quitting, an alternative outlet for a scarce (money) resource is purely negative thinking.

All the literature encourages one to take more exercise, for me that’s simply not a viable option; if I could do more exercise on a whim I wouldn’t have any ailment to overcome … the fatiguing result of exercise is part of the very reason I have time to think about smoking. [I could even say something about the PE Gestapo that for many years made exercise seem like a trip solely designed for masochists and, administered by sadists].“Eat more fruit and vegetables” … if I did I’d never escape the loo! Same goes for “drink more water” … simply a change of outlet valve!

In this day the Lord has made, I will try to rejoice and be glad. I’m not sure how long it will be before I’m thanking him for the tobacco harvest.

Recently Unearthed

Our young friend Graham, who for five and a half years lived in the flat previously occupied by yours truly, has been back to sort out the residue this weekend. During this final clearance, he unearthed some old working drafts of my poems. These were the only extant copies and, this afternoon I have commenced the finalizing process on a couple of these drafts. One of them, most unusual in my oeuvre, entitled MISSION BETRAYED, can be viewed on Mals Factory.

Who Are They Trying To Kid?

Day Two of the Quit Smoking Regime: Things are not too good. An overwhelming queasiness struck me early afternoon, accompanied by a fluctuation between feeling hot and cold. My beloved noted a certain greyness of pallor.

Went for lunch to the local Brewer’s Fayre, as we have a guest with us today; began to feel even queasier whilst waiting for the food to be served. Sudden thought; see what happens if I remove the nicotine patch. Within a few minutes started to feel more settled. Don’t think NRT patches are designed for me; it has to be cold-turkey or nothing! Do I really want to quit smoking?

Since I applied the first patch, yesterday, I have craved a cigarette much more than I ever did when quitting non-assisted!

Tried a ‘Crafe Away’ dummy cigarette last night, “The Safe Cigarette with the Tobacco Taste similar to a Real Cigarette” is their claim. A Mr R from Scotland states on the back of the packaging, “I find the Crafe Away cigarette has a tobacco taste very similar to my regular brand”. If I’d smoked a brand that tasted like this, as if one is inhaling the fuggy smoke generated by burning waxed paper, I’d never have got into the habit in the first place! Even Mrs B must have smoked the same crap brand as Mr R; “Sometimes when I am using my CrafeAway cigarette I forget to light a real one, the tobacco taste is so enjoyable”

Perhaps if I decide to stick to ‘Crafe Away’, I will eventually become delusional enough to think that this is really what cigarettes taste like and hence, see quitting as a pleasurable option!

Beginning Quitting

Day one of my (stalled) attempt to quit smoking. My beloved collected my NRT patches whilst I was still in the process of gradual emergence from the land of dreams. Although it’s the 16 hour patches I’ll be using, it will only be on very rare occasions that I will sustain it for the full time, unless someone can suggest a way that they can self-apply whilst I’m still sleeping in the morning and, self remove whilst I slumber at night!

At least, with my current sleep requirement, there are less hours available for temptation. Already, I have noticed that the biggest requirement is for something to do with hands and mouth in moments of intermittent boredom. When concentration is at low ebb, which is not infrequently the case, one’s thoughts turn to the stable-door (my habitual point of indulgence in the cigarette habit).

Last time I quit it was cold-turkey but, when various stresses got too much – several months later – I returned to the habit like the proverbial “duck to water”! There is something about the whole ritual of lighting-up that is almost as addictive as is the nicotine fix.

There is, hopefully, a degree of wisdom to my recognition of the difficulties involved in escaping the habit … I know my halo will shine that bit brighter if I actually succeed!

An Overdose of Sleep Dust

Spent nearly thirteen hours in bed last night/ this morning and, although occasional bouts of restlessness broke in, most of that time was spent sleeping. It was my first weekday lie-in for a while, permissible now that the work on the bathroom has been completed (last evening).

A major difference, from the past few nights, was that none of the discomfort experienced, the cause of the spasmodic bouts of restlessness, was in the neck region. Perhaps yesterday’s Needle Match (recorded by Heterocon) was having a swiftly beneficial result!

As I came down the stairs this morning, felt quite at ease with my knees, no need to employ a sideways gait. Co-incidence or a result of the acupuncture, that’s the big question. For a couple of hours I even felt wide-awake and, what a rare sensation that has been.

Mid-afternoon, I was suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion and, drifted into a further one and a half hours of sleep. Was this ‘afternoon fatigue’ the aftermath of yesterday’s acupuncture session or, a return to perverse normality?

Perverse Pleasures

Which is the most pleasurable sound; the splash of a flushing WC or a burst of spontaneous (also at the push of a button) applause? Methinks the former auditory experience provides the greater pleasure, especially as it is the sound of progress emanating from our bathroom!

Yes, the work on the bathroom will soon be complete! And what of the applause; that emanates from my beloved’s laptop computer, as she works on an ECDL exercise in PowerPoint presentation. The juxtaposition of applause and the sound of flushing loos make me think about Prime Minister’s Question Time. The appropriate response is dependent upon where one sits in the House!

I am just struggling to keep myself awake prior to my impending acupuncture session ... the Protestant Work Ethic rears it’s ugly head once more; one strives to avoid two bouts of total relaxation in the course of a single afternoon, that could be construed as positively dissolute behaviour.

Tripping the light (not so) fantastic

Late afternoon our lighting circuit ‘tripped’, no apparent cause, no bulbs blown etc. Ten minutes ago, the same circuit tripped again; once more we were unable to find a reason. Just at a time when our bathroomless travail is coming to an end, seems like we may have a different problem to contend with.

When the plumber lifted some of the bathroom floorboards, he was surprised to find a deep layer of old mortar and plaster packing much of the space. This residence seems to have had more than it’s fair share of ‘cowboys’ working on it’s structure over the years so, we have to be even more grateful that our current tradesmen are so conscientious!

Tomorrow afternoon the physio will be calling to administer a little acupuncture, to me not the house and, I’m quite looking forward to the experience. Any miraculous recovery would prove a bonus!

As I write, the lighting circuit has tripped yet again … twice in fifteen minutes … what did I say about problems?

BRAVE NEW WORLD

'BRAVE NEW WORLD OF ZERO RISK: Covert strategy in British Science Policy' by Martin J Walker

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