Catching Up

Prepared and posted a blog last evening, only to delete it a couple of minutes later. Suddenly overwhelmed by a fatiguing emptiness, within ten minutes, I collapsed onto the sofa for an hours sleep. Having emerged into the day around 11.30AM, I was ‘out of it’ once more between 8.00 and 9.00PM.

Woke up in time to watch “Child of Mine”(ITV1) which certainly kept me awake for the next couple of hours. It was one of these strange productions whose premise had more holes in it than a colander yet, still managed to succeed as a kind of psychological thriller. Earlier in the day, I had transferred Woody Allen’s “Broadway Danny Rose”to DVD and, both my beloved and myself thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Once the adverts (it was originally recorded onto VHS from ‘The Studio’) were edited out, it just nicely filled the remaining time (LP) on the DVD to which I’d recorded “The Music Man”(BBC2), yet to be viewed, in the morning. A varied visual diet for a quiet Sunday.

Aroused myself from slumber-dom shortly before noon this morning and, following lunch, went to see the Practice Nurse who needed to check my progress on the quitting smoking regime. She has now issued reduced strength patches for me to try and, realizes my struggle with the weed is more mental than physical. She also recommends that I avoid looking at the more traditional quitting smoking literature, which is for me more a hindrance than an aid (see In Everything Give Thanks)!

Just have to see how we progress from here.

The X Factor

The positive note continued into today so, no complaints there! It really is good to feel a little more energized but, it’s very much a case of one day at a time. After my day's mini projects, recorded by Heterocon, decided to slump down in front of the TV.

The ‘X-Factor’ (ITV1) proved a difficult one to call tonight but, no matter what the talent of a particular performer … if it’s the wrong song … I’m really sorry to see Maria go and, didn’t envy Louis having the casting vote. It really was great to see Shayne back on form, with an appropriate song and, Journey South consistently make the most out of whatever material they tackle. Andy and Brenda, they’re both superb performers but, I was intrigued by Simon’s remarks as to whether Brenda has a recording voice! Last week, I commented (to ma belle amoureuse) how much I’d like a recording by Brenda then, qualified it by saying, “think it would have to be a DVD”. Andy’s rendition of a Boyz2Men song, a somewhat unusual choice, was for me the evening’s most soulful performance.

A glass of ‘Vina Tarapaca’ Cabernet Sauvignon 2003, a Chilean delight, provided a soothing accompaniment to our evening’s viewing.

Hello Again

Today, a slow start was absolutely necessary after last evening’s entry into ‘the void’. By the void, I refer to that all too frequent lack of physical & emotional stamina, in this instance accompanied by a total absence of any ability to concentrate. According to my beloved, it also led to the loss of my smile … I couldn’t even proffer a cynical token.

Having undergone a session of acupuncture in the late afternoon, I didn’t initially have any of the “zonked out” experience of last week’s session but, as the evening progressed it became more of a collapse. I suppose this is really a long-winded apology/excuse for yesterday’s lack of a posting.

Today has been much more positive as Heterocon (my alter-ego) explains in his posting ‘Born Again’.

My dear friend The Fox has planned a couple of days in the Lake District; unless the weather further West differs, to a most remarkable extent, from that which we’re experiencing, methinks the Lakes could well come to him!

Freedom and Diversity

Two items in todays Washington Post caught my attention: the first by Eugene Robinson ['Accepting Diversity is Hard but Necessary' ], takes the riots in France as a starting point to argue the case for "multiculturalism"; the other article, by Michael Kinsley [ 'Who Loves Freedom More?'], contrasts a country with a Constitution and a Bill of Rights (USA) against one with a much more nebulous constitution (UK).

Despite my present rather feeble powers of concentration, I found much stimulation in these articles.

Wrapped In The Coils

I don’t think it’s simply the absence of smoke pollution, in my lungs and bloodstream, that’s making me so tetchy but, how I long for a cigarette. It doesn’t really seem like craving, more like good and pure lust and, I realize that cigarettes alone are not a recipe for salvation. The words that proceed from my mouth are not always that pleasant as I struggle against an extremely potent stress factor. It is hard to determine whether physical frailty or emotional instability is the root of this stress.

I have literally, albeit intermittently, been going weak at the knees these past few days; it’s almost as if a fractionally harder sneeze, these involuntary expirations have been quite prominent of late, would knock me totally off balance. My sleep pattern has become increasingly erratic (since I interrupted my tobacco input); perhaps the nicotine patches are really bad for me and, it’s the other ingested toxins that cigarettes supply that my body needs!

Another thought, that occurred today, is that on this attempt to ‘quit’ I was encouraged to plan ahead. Anyone who knows me well can vouch for the fact that, planning and Malcolm do not make for the best of bedfellows! For me, spontaneity is of the essence; problem is, and has been for the past couple of years, my lack of the necessary stamina to be spontaneous! Waiting to see how one feels at a given time paradoxically (or is it) precludes spontaneity … one can only be spontaneous when energy reserves permit it; the waiting game, to see whether emotional and physical resources are up to the task, is far too organized.

Life at the moment is very much a matter of pacing myself, in the hope that I can ‘save’ sufficient energy to become productive once more. The Protestant Work Ethic, once again, wraps it’s reptilian ‘coils’ around me and, I gasp for air.

working drafts

Two of my, not dissimilar, working drafts of a poem (The Candle) dating back to January 1991 (the time of the Gulf War), were recently unearthed by our friend Graham. As I don't feel sufficiently energised to do any further work on them at present, they have been posted on Mals Factory. Perhaps one of them is the finished work, but I'm not sure which!

Two Steps Back ... but where is the forward one?

Heterocon has already commented (See Selling One’s Soul) on last evening’s diminishing of my emotional stamina, indirectly linking it to my quitting smoking; a negative “progress report” you could call it. Although watching ‘Have I Got News For You’ (BBC2) and, to my surprise, ‘They Think It’s All Over’ (BBC1), served to bring a little light through the gloom, ensuing sleep proved a rather episodic affair. The worst feature of the night’s “rest” was the painful stiffness in my neck, closely allied with chronic earache, which required me to elevate my torso (on feeble upper limbs) in order to seek a more comfortable position in which to lay my head. It's quite surprising, the effort required for a quarter turn of the head!

You may have gathered that sleep, of this spasmodic kind, provided very little refreshment but, I still managed to disentangle myself from the duvet’s lair at a reasonable time (10.10AM). The neck discomfort, and a vice like headache, prevailed through the rest of the morning and, a rather fatigued Malcolm (eyelids propped on matchsticks) struggled to knock up a little pasta dish for his beloved and himself.

My chauffeuse (the self-same beloved I had catered for) then drove me into town, to visit the Job Opportunities Fair. I would have been ready to leave immediately had my beloved not dealt with the registration desk, allowing me to shuffle my feet to the far end of the room where the ‘Yes2Work’ stall was situated. Fortunately we seemed to be the only visitors there and, I immediately seated myself at the stall whilst my beloved supplied them with a few of her details. I had very little to contribute, apart from having made the effort to visit at all!

The grey wetness of the day seemed to complement the way I felt. At least it provided a ‘social’ outing to alleviate the pressures of my usual home-based regime. The experience was not quite as exhausting as I anticipated; the positive element, for me, was a fresh environment to do nothing in!

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Helen contacted In-Home Legal Services, following the advice from Halifax Bank, to try and arrange a refund for the aberrant multiple payments the Halifax had made to them from our account. The first suggestion by IHLS was that we should contact the bank! The saga continues.

A Better Day - Interruptions Notwithstanding

Pleased to report a better day, with little joint discomfort, since emerging from duvet-dom at 10.30AM. Even a shower failed to exhaust me and, wonder of wonders, I was able to wear my dentures after a few days absence. My beloved, having attended her German conversation class this morning, drove me into town at lunchtime to carry out a minor transaction at the bank. Unfortunately, she had to return to the banking emporium, this afternoon, to sort out the Standing Order problem [see When Will They Ever Learn on Heterocon’s blog].

Further to the unsolicited ‘phone call referred to by Heterocon, a further ‘phone call interrupted the already waning attention I was giving to an OTT play on Radio 4. This call was from my key-worker at Yes2Work (quite strangely, since first contacting them, last year, my health deteriorated further) telling me about a New Opportunities Jobs Fair in our locality. It may prove of interest to my beloved if I’m up to it and, she drives me down there. This call was swiftly followed by a further buzzing of the ‘phone; this time a ‘courtesy’ call from Serif to update me on the latest software. I already do use, and have used Page Plus and Photo Plus, in various versions and, would recommend them as good value programmes; unfortunately, having to watch my pennies at the moment, it maybe wasn’t the most appropriate time for the call.

As I write, my beloved has returned from her bank visit and, now has to contact In-Home Legal Services for a refund of the overpayments on the standing order. According to the woman my wife spoke to at the bank today, the lady at the Halifax who "sorted out" the problem (in January) had not done it right ! Isn't that a remarkable insight, a sign of an incisive mind ... if the job had been done correctly at that time, we wouldn't have to waste our efforts! Furthermore, I wouldn't be tempted to quit quitting (that's a reference to smoking, my contribution to the fat cats running the pernicious tobacco industry and the exchequer) without this unnecessary stress ... it seems that the capitalists are out to get us whichever way we turn!

In Everything Give Thanks

Third Non-Smoking Day : I swear that it ain’t easy, especially when some yob last night smashed off half of the number plate on my beloved’s car, parked on the forecourt. Later we read in the local paper that, in this area, number plates have been getting stolen.

Loving one’s enemies is bloody difficult; especially the sort of thoughts that whiz through my mind.

Progress Report: No queasiness or nausea today and, the nicotine patch remains in place. I still find that the craving for a cigarette or, at the very least, the lighting up and first drag ritual, is much stronger than it ever was during my abortive cold-turkey attempt to quit the habit. I’m even having a suck on the dreaded ‘Crafe Away’!

In general the advice in various quit-smoking booklets and leaflets is totally irrelevant to my situation. The “just think what you can spend the money you save on” argument means nothing. I’ve only ever spent what I know I can afford and, retail therapy has never held any appeal. Craving possessions is part of the human malaise … the Buddha had quite a bit to say about that! I don’t see any point in replacing one craving with another. And surely, if economics are part of the reason for quitting, an alternative outlet for a scarce (money) resource is purely negative thinking.

All the literature encourages one to take more exercise, for me that’s simply not a viable option; if I could do more exercise on a whim I wouldn’t have any ailment to overcome … the fatiguing result of exercise is part of the very reason I have time to think about smoking. [I could even say something about the PE Gestapo that for many years made exercise seem like a trip solely designed for masochists and, administered by sadists].“Eat more fruit and vegetables” … if I did I’d never escape the loo! Same goes for “drink more water” … simply a change of outlet valve!

In this day the Lord has made, I will try to rejoice and be glad. I’m not sure how long it will be before I’m thanking him for the tobacco harvest.

Recently Unearthed

Our young friend Graham, who for five and a half years lived in the flat previously occupied by yours truly, has been back to sort out the residue this weekend. During this final clearance, he unearthed some old working drafts of my poems. These were the only extant copies and, this afternoon I have commenced the finalizing process on a couple of these drafts. One of them, most unusual in my oeuvre, entitled MISSION BETRAYED, can be viewed on Mals Factory.