Tetchy & Guilty

Today, I seem to be a really tetchy sod but, I suppose, bearing in mind last night’s restlessness, it’s only to be expected. Things rather came to a head when, nearly three hours after my beloved went out, for an Indian Head Massage, she still hadn’t returned home and, all sort of worries started to dominate my thoughts. Decided to ‘phone her but, her mobile was switched off so, come 5.25pm I ventured out for some nicotine sticks. Having purchased the comforters, a lady from the church I used to attend (in those dim-distant days when I could cope with such social events) enquired as to how I was. My response, “not brilliant”, was snapped out in a rather off-hand manner and, I couldn’t be bothered to hang around to amplify or apologize for my curtness. Of course, the normal social understanding of such enquiries is that the enquirer doesn’t really want to know!

By the time I got back in the house I started to feel guilty for being so rude. Forgot to mention, I encountered my beloved whilst on my way to the shop and my ‘greeting’ was rather sharp … a result of concern and frustration … so; I suppose an enquiry as to my health was the proverbial final straw!

Now, I begin to feel guilty because I don’t feel at all well! Perhaps it’s no point waiting for the effects of my most recent acupuncture session to ‘kick-in’ and, I should accept that, on this occasion, the effect is purely negative.

The Joy of Achievement

Oh the sheer delight of a nice hot shower, second only to my pleasure at having sufficient energy and inclination to partake of same!

Yesterday was of the out of sorts variety when, having been widely awake at an hour unsuitable for lethargic drones like me (i.e. before 7.00 am), I drifted off into regular bouts of unconsciousness, finally emerging from the duvet kingdom around 11.15am.

It was a day of sore burning moisture veiled eyes, sundry modest aches, pains and generalized dis-ease … in fact pretty well typical of at least 50% of my time … with it’s inevitable burden of fatigue.

But, today is a different day when, not exactly full of vim & vigour, I commenced reading a book whilst propped up in bed alongside my beloved, a feat well nigh unimaginable during most of the past 500+ days. The book in question “Letters From A Lost Generation: First World War Letters of Vera Brittain and Four Friends”, being epistolary in nature, suits well my spasmodic periods of concentration.

The achievement: 84 pages consumed, and digested, before I realized the motivation was present to get myself under the shower.

For this small mercy, I give grateful thanks.

It's X Factor Time

Tonight it’s going to be a tough call on The X Factor, even though some of the contenders didn’t perform at their best. I have little doubt that the Conways will be in the bottom two but, who’ll join them there? Brenda absolutely shone, such a soulful performance of Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You”, perhaps the performance of the series. Shayne enjoyed himself in The Darkness number, which I’ve never particularly liked and, Chico was entertaining as always. The second outstanding performance of the evening came from Journey South … incredible how the final two acts of the show [Brenda and Journey South] proved their star quality and, for me, alleviated some of my earlier boredom.

Belated Greetings

Today has been a much better day for me, although stress remains not far from the surface. It’s amazing how much emotional turbulence can be caused by the inability to find a particular book, solely for one specific reference; we seem to have tomes of all shapes and sizes scattered all around the house (which in itself is a virtue). Once I calmed down a bit, having spent 40minutes or so searching throughout the obvious shelves and corners, nooks and crannies, the cause of the offence to my sensibilities turned up in an unexpected area.

During this period of disruption, the craving for a nicotine stick proved too hard to resist [I have temporarily relieved myself from the psychologically strenuous process of applying, and subsequently removing, the NRT patches] and boy, did it taste good! The planning and preparation involved in quitting in an organized way has proved far too arduous.

For dinner this evening, I prepared a couple of char-grilled salmon fillets sprinkled with ginger, garlic, freshly ground back pepper and light soy sauce. This was served with jacket potatoes topped with char-grilled cherry tomatoes and mushrooms. An absolute delight; today I am certainly back into food. Acute earache extending into the neck muscles was swiftly alleviated by the application of a microwave heated lavender bag. Oh, that such a simple salve could be applied to the rest of my condition.

In this day the Lord has made, I find much more reason to rejoice than was imaginable yesterday. With yesterday’s distractedness, I forgot to extend my thanksgiving Day greetings to my North American friends together with a recommended read: “Thanksgiving: A Native American View”.

Defeat 1 - SinnaLuvva 0

Tonight, the flag of defeat is draped around my shoulders and, ashamedly, I admit to returning to the dreaded weed. I have no longer quit smoking and, insult was added to injury when our local 7 - 11 store was closed early for refurbishment, just when I needed to purchase a packet of twenty comforters. Salvation was close at hand though, in the form of an off-license a couple of doors down and, fortunately they stocked what were (and I suppose may soon have to say "are") my regular brand.

It is a sad day when I have been unable to eat one of my culinary delights from a position of queasy discomfort. Delights are few and far between and, I must admit that although the flavour of the first three cigarettes was not as enticing as I imagined, the process of imbibing nicotine orally is far preferable to the cutaneous transfer method.

Below Par

I hope to God that tears are beneficial as, I’ve shed a few this evening. I’m also trusting that yesterday’s acupuncture session has yet to kick in, as I’m generally feeling like shit today. Knees suddenly giving way as I stand up, followed by what feels like a cramping electric shock through the base of the spine, are simply the current (not of the AC or DC kind) intermittent manifestation of my physical well-being! Even the necessary effort of clearing mucous from my throat has, today, become a cause for self-pity.

The lack of energy, coupled with an inability to concentrate on anything, for more than a few minutes, is taking its toll on my usually good self-esteem. The ugly beast of guilt rears its head for my shameful inactivity; there are just so many social pressures that make “the unproductive” feel like lepers.

Today, you may have gathered, has not been the best of days!

Getting the needle

After a much better night’s sleep, SinnaLuvva emerged bright and early into the waking world, almost leaping from his duvet cocoon at the crack of 9.00AM. As a precaution, I re-don shoulder and elbow supports. Sad to say, I haven’t a lot of activity to report from these additional hours, simply more of the same, so I won’t bother.

The earlier awakening (at least a couple of hours before emergence into moderately ambulatory mode) took its toll by early afternoon, a fatigued emptiness replacing my bright and cheery demeanour.

After a quick trip down to Comet, chauffeured by my beloved, had a little time to relax before the physio arrived to administer a little more acupuncture. By the time the treatment was done, a return to the world of the zonked-out posed little challenge. I try not to anticipate the benefits of the needle-match but, I do have the feeling that the proximity of my “better days” to the last acupuncture session couldn’t all be put down to co-incidence.

As a concerned participant in the ritual, I also serve by lying down to wait!

Looking forward

Eventually climbed back under the duvet at 3.20AM but, had difficulty settling. Thermal support strapping around my shoulders and an elbow support, on my left arm, eased the situation a little. After struggling to find a comfortable position, for my intermittent sleep, eventually returned to the world of the (almost) fully awake around 11.20AM.

Despite my familiar lack of energy, and low level concentration, I still managed to enjoy the day, grateful that so many of my body parts are still in reasonably good working condition.

As I surfed the net and played around with RoboForm-Portable (Pass2Go) and portable Firefox, my rheumy eyes required regular rest periods, easily achieved as my mind insisted on meandering away from the task in hand.

As the day progressed, my knees became a bit unsteady requiring a conscious effort to maintain my balance as I moved around the house. My good fortune is to have a wonderful friend, lover and companion, my lady Helen, to keep me on the right track.

I’m quite looking forward to my acupuncture treatment tomorrow, as I’ve enjoyed more “good” days since the last treatment than I had experienced for some considerable time.

Restless ...

What is it wrong with me that, my first thought is in terms of punishment when some of the old familiar aches and pains return? It’s almost as if being unable to ask the question “why me”, I feel like some total wretch who deserves whatever discomfort befalls him … a punishment for my lack of caritas.

It’s only after a few “better” days that, one begins to realize just what assorted aches and pains they’d grown to almost take for granted in unalleviated days of all too recent yore. Today (meaning Monday) has been a day of gradual decline, certain jadedness as the day progressed, an increased awareness of miniscule irritations.

Accidentally decapitated a little wart on the inner thigh as I showered this morning, the bleeding disproportionate to the size of the wound but now, each little warty growth, especially those on the inner upper arm have started up their chorus of protest. Within twenty minutes, or probably less, of my head hitting the pillow tonight, an excruciating painful stiffness stemming from just behind the right ear and, extending down through the shoulder took possession of me. A nagging irritation in the ear, one of those that are always with us, has become an arterial throbbing, nausea invoking, pain in the posterior.

Anyway, the outcome is, that there’s no alternative to stumbling my way downstairs to take some painkillers and make myself a warm drink. Somehow the discomfort doesn’t seem so great, sat here by the PC as it was when attempting to sleep. Perhaps the warm drink, and the tablets, has so caressed my inner being that it sent up an unspoken prayer for healing. Perhaps I was over-reacting, or then again it could be that present keyboard activity is sufficient distraction.

I feel extremely tired whilst simultaneously wide-awake; perhaps sharing a woe carries with it a degree of healing! The question is, do I enter the overbearing duvet’s lair whilst still reasonably alert or, wait on the intervention of total exhaustion before allowing sleep it’s normal course?

The question is of course rhetorical, the decision to be made is real.

Ch-ch-changes

Another of those bright and crisp Autumn days but, unfortunately, I’ve not felt sufficiently energized to venture far from the fireside. Around sunset we experienced a beautifully haunting red sky once more so, I had to venture out of the backdoor just to grab a snapshot. It’s quite strange how much the lower layer of yellowish brightness counteracts the psychological warmth one would anticipate from a red presence!

Things aren’t always what they seem and, I’m afraid that words don’t always mean what one expects. I’m thinking especially of the word “immediate” which has presumably changed to mean “dilatory” (See “Tesco Jersey – “immediate” means when they can be bothered”, posted by Heterocon). I have contacted the offending institution twice today, requesting that they “come clean”!