Guilt-edged Enjoyment

At times, an awful guilt overwhelms me because I’m only able to tackle a rather limited number of tasks per day. What makes it worse, when I’m travailing under this burden of guilt, is the knowledge that if I did tackle much more it would entail an enforced inactivity for several days following the extra effort. Problem is, being immersed in the Protestant work ethic, it’s so easy to consider oneself a human-doing, rather than a human-being. It’s always far easier to re-assure others, in a similar position, that they are valued and don’t need to do any more, than it is to convince oneself!

In general my self-esteem is very good, indeed there are some who think it’s far too good (veering towards arrogance), but that still doesn’t obliterate the demoralizing effect of guilt. I suppose what adds to the guilt is the fact that I do enjoy my life, despite the discomforting and debilitating symptoms that have tended to be my (not infrequent) lot during the past few years.

I am fortunate, and grateful, that recent months of carefully paced activity – finding a lower altitude plateau of activity than in days of yore, have seen a general improvement in my health but, it still doesn’t overcome an intense sense of frustration.

Missing Winks

As a child and a young man, I absolutely knew that Tennis was a game for ladies and toffs; it was certainly of no interest to this working class kid. Mind you, sport was not a particular interest of mine, although I did, for a while, enjoy the tribal pleasure of supporting my then local football team, Sunderland FC. In general though, sport for me was symbolised by the arrogant bullyboy attitudes of the PE and Games teachers it was my misfortune to suffer under! That breed of obnoxious creature was perhaps the primary reason that I hated secondary school quite as much as I did.

All this is a prelude to saying how enjoyable I’ve just found the Wimbledon men’s final between Federer and Nadal. I really think that the scoring system, in Tennis, makes for much more excitement than is possible in any other game.

Now comes my grievance; this afternoon I was desperately in need of a nap / forty winks but, watching those two guys on Centre Court would not permit me to do what usually comes far too naturally. They’ll have to make amends for that, somehow!

Showers of Blessing

I don’t know whether it was the tension of watching Wimbledon yesterday afternoon but, I was certainly shattered this morning and, required a little more bed rest than accords with my prescription. One of those weird bruised and tingling headaches, extending from the base of my neck and right across the back of my head, held me in its thrall until early afternoon; thankfully it had dispersed somewhat by the time I prepared a tuna pasta for lunch.

My afternoon’s mini horticultural effort has been recorded on Mal’s Murmurings and, since that report, a more sustained gentle shower has arrived; the garden exhales a thankful response!

Since pre-preparing Sunday lunch, hopefully enough of the special casserole to see us through the following two days as well, it was good to slump down in front of a hot cathode ray tube to be engrossed by the final episode of Series Two of ‘Doctor Who’ (BBC1) and, my beloved and I are currently enjoying ‘T in the Park’ (BBC3) and have been well satisfied by sample performances from Corinne Bailey Rae, Kaiser Chiefs, The Zutons, Franz Ferdinand and Placebo. At times like this, it’s rewarding to have a catholicity of musical taste.

The Dentist, The Acupuncturist and The Cook

An early start, after a somewhat restless night, didn’t bode too well but, I’m still around to tell the tale. Ma belle chauffeuse drove me into town, and back again, for an early morning visit to my dentist; it was my good fortune, on this occasion, that no work needed to be done. Even the quick examination, followed by an equally swift scale and polish, is difficult enough to cope with, as I’m still very sensitive to bright lights and high-pitched oscillating soundwaves. It takes very little to jar my nerves at present.

Immediately on return home, a cigarette quickly found its way into my mouth, before I had a little rest. By 11.30am, suitably revived, I ventured up to the pond to rinse out the filters before applying a further treatment of ‘SludgeBuster’. A further period of relaxation followed, before my acupuncturist arrived to position the healing and energizing needles; now that’s a treatment I really appreciate and look forward to. This sceptic has been well and truly converted, and committed, to the efficaciousness of this healing art!

For the first time this Wimbledon, I tuned into the Tennis, to watch some of the scintillating match between Nadal and Baghdatis; a brilliant match, in which I found the tension almost too much to cope with. [Please bear in mind that the preceding sentence stems from one who doesn’t like Sport!] I boldly forced myself to break away from the game, to prepare an overdue meal for my beloved and myself. A delicious Trout, Peppers and Mushroom Savoury Rice dish was the result of my endeavours; the creativity, of cooking, helped release some of the tension that had taken hold of me whilst watching the match.

Still Learning after all these years

A combination of weariness, the heat of the day and, the odd aching twinge, militated against me taking a walk for the second successive day (see ‘Progress Assumed’ on Mal’s Murmurings). Come mid-evening, when the heat of the day subsided a little, I managed to unlock a little reserve from the energy bank and, released the lawnmower from its temporary hibernation. I actually managed to mow most of the lawn area as well as retrieving the grassy pathways around our wild-meadow area.

I do seem to be learning when to call a halt to any activity, in order to avoid the (previously habitual) wrecked status, which seemed to haunt me for the next few days following any form of exertion. Following the mowing exercise, I am now enjoying the company of my beloved, who also came to join me in the garden, as we enjoy some time together in front of the goggle box.

I am indeed a fortunate man.

Water Lilies and Visitor

A blooming marvellous time on the garden pond.

The Old Wives' proved Right

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Cool Clean Water gets me Steamed Up

It really is quite remarkable, the things we take for granted; it only takes one little snag to occur, in whatever we have planned, to make us grouchy and ungrateful and yet, we so easily overlook the plenitude of blessings which are our daily lot in the affluent world.

In the present heatwave, I must express my gratitude at having clean fresh drinking water on tap (quite literally) and, it’s even better to have it chilled, straight from the regularly replenished jugs in the refrigerator. I’ve got to admit a preference for drinking the fermented juice of the grape but, it doesn’t require too much reflection to realize water is so much more essential!

How much political and technical goodwill would be required to ensure that everyone on planet earth had access to a clean water supply? Why, in a world of plenty, do we allow people to go hungry and thirsty? Money can always be found for weapons of destruction (and mass destruction) yet, even in the developed world there are people who simply subsist rather than live.

Somehow, we all seem far too complacent about criminal levels of inequality and injustice, both at home and around the globe; we always seem to look out for number one, at both the personal and the political level, and ignore the social cost.

I was just going to make a quick comment about simple blessings but having visited the Dropping Knowledge website, earlier this afternoon, I felt obliged to ask a couple of questions. I’ve still got to post a question on the site but, I do really feel it’s a global initiative worth supporting. Will it have any effect? I don’t know, but we’ve got to start somewhere. 67 days remain until the Table of Free Voices assembles in Berlin; why not visit http://www.yourquestion.org
and find out what it’s all about! It’s good to ask questions but, the answers may be a good deal harder!

*****************************

PS 6 July 2006: You can see the first of my questions, to Your Question.org,here!

A Tinkerbell Moment and Boys Will Be Boys

Last night, a Tinkerbell moment, a tiny air bubble glowing in the full spectrum light! The tiny neon glow dances around, in close proximity to the waters surface. It’s the first time I’ve observed such a juvenile; it’s only with great difficulty that I’m able to see the semi translucent tail. I stare in wonderment; the mere millimetres long neon glow also possesses tiny sparkling eyes. Such solitude; I suspect that the adults had been enjoying eggs for breakfast sometime in the past couple of weeks and, this is the sole survivor.

In the non-illuminated tank, this morning, I look for this infant. Ten minutes later, through the semi-gloom, I bear witness to its darting dancing presence; such was my sense of wonderment last evening, I’d half expected it to have been a mere figment of my, and my beloved’s, imagination.

For the moment, the heavy-bellied female idles her time in glorious solitude. Across the tank, a frenetic wiggling occurs as the young males prepare to display, to fight and play. Fins erect like bold banners a tussle begins, testosterone at an all time high; the elder male, at times, keeps his distance; “they’ll learn one day”, I imagine the elder saying, “but boys will be boys. Was it really like that in my day?”

As spectator to these antics, I’m already beginning to feel exhausted but, it really is a wonderful display. Whatever the White Cloud Mountain Minnow lacks in stature, it certainly compensates for in terms of energy.

And now the chase of the female begins but, she’ll scatter the eggs when she’s ready.