"We are such dreams as stuff is made on"

A couple of days in robotic early start mode and, you’ve guessed it, this morning was payback time. Everything seemed to be going well, despite the normal erratic sleep pattern, when I briefly surfaced into a state of semi-alertness around 7.00am. Next thing I remember is my beloved saying it was 9.00am, in response to my vague enquiry. That little mystery will be returned to later!

One and a half hours later, I managed to remove myself from the duvet snare and, bleary-eyed, directed my feet to the bathroom, in the mistaken belief that a shower would refresh me. I really enjoyed the shower but, didn’t feel sufficiently energised to apply my emollient cream before getting dressed. Perhaps the effort of donning shirt, pants and slacks, was the proverbial straw (that broke the camels back).

A five minute rest, on the bed, was rudely disrupted by the piercing ring of the telephone at around 12.30pm. maybe it’s not quite so bad as the fabled “lost weekend” but, it certainly raises the case of the lost morning! Lost hours twice in one morning, therein lies a far deeper mystery.

With the telephonic disruption, I misguidedly leapt (albeit in slow motion) from the bed,
brain-throbbingly giddy and disoriented. From that point on, a further brief rest imposed itself on me, as I struggled to make sense of the day.

Now this is the big mystery; in being suddenly startled by an external ringing in my ears, the concept that I had been asleep provided my “eureka” moment. If it’s only in waking we become aware that we had been asleep, under what circumstances can we affirm that we have been awake? Perhaps I am quite simply a dream!

By this time ma belle Helene had returned to the homestead and, I eventually got around to preparing a delicious salmon savoury rice for lunch. My mind and body remained haze laden for a little while until I made the bold decision, to permit ma belle chauffeuse to propel me to the garden centre. That visit has already been recorded on ‘Mal’s Murmurings’ so I won’t bore you with it here but, you can be bored with it here!

A Taste of Progress

A relatively early start to the day, once again, and I’d already ventured down to ‘Open Church’ at St Marks shortly after 10.00am. Plenty of conversation was on the menu as several people, who I’d not seen for many months, were there for coffee or else en route to the Communion Service. Much to my surprise, more than an hour had passed before I felt ready to make the return walk home. This is such a vast improvement over what I was able to manage even a few months ago.

Having gone up to the garden pond, to feed the fish, a rest was called for and, I was able to relax in the knowledge that progress was being made. Of course, that early activity meant that I wasn’t able, or at least didn’t make the opportunity, to make a start on my ‘reading’ project. What I did find time for was a few short interludes in the garden, to see the wildflowers that had just come into bloom and enjoy watching the Small Heath, Ringlets and Meadow Brown butterflies that make such good use of the wildlife end of the garden.

Come the cool of the evening, having enjoyed a delicious ham pasta (a product of yours truly – of course) with my beloved, we ventured out into the garden; the better half busied herself clearing out some weeds, that have an incurable habit of trespassing upon the supposedly cultivated end of the garden, whilst I set to the task of topping up the pond. It really seems incredible, this summer, the amount of times I’m having to top up the water level; when this pond was first in situ we were up half the night baling it out, because of the torrential rain, and having visions of the fish being washed out and swept along the path into the drainage system!

After our modest endeavours in the garden, we retreat to the house and open a nicely chilled bottle of ‘Edward’s Lake Unwooded Chardonnay, NSW, 2003’, which appeals to both our palates. It’s with relief that I note we have several more bottles of this vintage in our cellar. We have been so fortunate recently in not having any dud wines to sully the palate. My favourite recent bottle was a ‘Chateau du Carpia, Bordeaux - Blanc Sec, 2003’, a quite special example of the Sauvignon Blanc / Semillon blend.

And now it’s time for my retreat, from the blogosphere, to savour another glass of Edward’s Lake! I relax with ma belle amoureuse and rejoice in this day the Lord has made.

Looking For Results

Surprise, surprise; I felt quite wide-awake this morning around 7.00am, a quite unusual occurrence and, after a further doze I’d managed to release myself from the enslaving duvet and, found my way into the shower, by 9.00am. The excitement never ceases in this household. A leisurely application of emollient cream to the lower limbs was followed by a little nap before venturing downstairs.

As my beloved, on her day off, was heading into town to meet Beth, my morning was spent in typical idle fashion, disrupted only by the exertion of popping a few baking potatoes into the oven. For lunch I prepared a lightly spiced combination of trout, peppers, mushrooms and cherry tomatoes, as a topping for the jacket potatoes.

The lunch was followed by a hasty departure for the District Hospital, chauffeured by ma belle amoureuse, where I had an appointment with Julie at the Chronic Fatigue Unit. The first part of the visit was spent catching up on my “progress” since the previous visit. The goals are always mutually agreed upon, to enable me with my “pacing” and the attention today turned to some concentration goals. I’d so love to be able to get back into reading so, I’ve to sort out a time or chapter scale (dependent on the book in question) for attempting to redevelop this skill. Alongside this, a side project is to get on with a little PDF publishing project, allotting specified short periods of activity to editing and re-arranging the volume from an accumulated wealth of material.

I have a little questionnaire to fill in before my next visit, the same sheets I had to complete before my first appointment; the questionnaire comprises Chalder Fatigue Scale, Rand Version SF-36 Physical Function, Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale (HADS).

The only problem with the Chalder Fatigue Scale involves comparing how you’re feeling with “how you felt when you were last well”. As this condition goes back several years, the way I answer the questions will be rather different than if I had to compare my current problems with how I was six months ago, when I completed the first set of these questionnaires. Surely, this would provide more relevant information for the Department of Health, as they use the results to ascertain the performance of the Chronic Fatigue Service!

Guilt-edged Enjoyment

At times, an awful guilt overwhelms me because I’m only able to tackle a rather limited number of tasks per day. What makes it worse, when I’m travailing under this burden of guilt, is the knowledge that if I did tackle much more it would entail an enforced inactivity for several days following the extra effort. Problem is, being immersed in the Protestant work ethic, it’s so easy to consider oneself a human-doing, rather than a human-being. It’s always far easier to re-assure others, in a similar position, that they are valued and don’t need to do any more, than it is to convince oneself!

In general my self-esteem is very good, indeed there are some who think it’s far too good (veering towards arrogance), but that still doesn’t obliterate the demoralizing effect of guilt. I suppose what adds to the guilt is the fact that I do enjoy my life, despite the discomforting and debilitating symptoms that have tended to be my (not infrequent) lot during the past few years.

I am fortunate, and grateful, that recent months of carefully paced activity – finding a lower altitude plateau of activity than in days of yore, have seen a general improvement in my health but, it still doesn’t overcome an intense sense of frustration.

Missing Winks

As a child and a young man, I absolutely knew that Tennis was a game for ladies and toffs; it was certainly of no interest to this working class kid. Mind you, sport was not a particular interest of mine, although I did, for a while, enjoy the tribal pleasure of supporting my then local football team, Sunderland FC. In general though, sport for me was symbolised by the arrogant bullyboy attitudes of the PE and Games teachers it was my misfortune to suffer under! That breed of obnoxious creature was perhaps the primary reason that I hated secondary school quite as much as I did.

All this is a prelude to saying how enjoyable I’ve just found the Wimbledon men’s final between Federer and Nadal. I really think that the scoring system, in Tennis, makes for much more excitement than is possible in any other game.

Now comes my grievance; this afternoon I was desperately in need of a nap / forty winks but, watching those two guys on Centre Court would not permit me to do what usually comes far too naturally. They’ll have to make amends for that, somehow!

Showers of Blessing

I don’t know whether it was the tension of watching Wimbledon yesterday afternoon but, I was certainly shattered this morning and, required a little more bed rest than accords with my prescription. One of those weird bruised and tingling headaches, extending from the base of my neck and right across the back of my head, held me in its thrall until early afternoon; thankfully it had dispersed somewhat by the time I prepared a tuna pasta for lunch.

My afternoon’s mini horticultural effort has been recorded on Mal’s Murmurings and, since that report, a more sustained gentle shower has arrived; the garden exhales a thankful response!

Since pre-preparing Sunday lunch, hopefully enough of the special casserole to see us through the following two days as well, it was good to slump down in front of a hot cathode ray tube to be engrossed by the final episode of Series Two of ‘Doctor Who’ (BBC1) and, my beloved and I are currently enjoying ‘T in the Park’ (BBC3) and have been well satisfied by sample performances from Corinne Bailey Rae, Kaiser Chiefs, The Zutons, Franz Ferdinand and Placebo. At times like this, it’s rewarding to have a catholicity of musical taste.

The Dentist, The Acupuncturist and The Cook

An early start, after a somewhat restless night, didn’t bode too well but, I’m still around to tell the tale. Ma belle chauffeuse drove me into town, and back again, for an early morning visit to my dentist; it was my good fortune, on this occasion, that no work needed to be done. Even the quick examination, followed by an equally swift scale and polish, is difficult enough to cope with, as I’m still very sensitive to bright lights and high-pitched oscillating soundwaves. It takes very little to jar my nerves at present.

Immediately on return home, a cigarette quickly found its way into my mouth, before I had a little rest. By 11.30am, suitably revived, I ventured up to the pond to rinse out the filters before applying a further treatment of ‘SludgeBuster’. A further period of relaxation followed, before my acupuncturist arrived to position the healing and energizing needles; now that’s a treatment I really appreciate and look forward to. This sceptic has been well and truly converted, and committed, to the efficaciousness of this healing art!

For the first time this Wimbledon, I tuned into the Tennis, to watch some of the scintillating match between Nadal and Baghdatis; a brilliant match, in which I found the tension almost too much to cope with. [Please bear in mind that the preceding sentence stems from one who doesn’t like Sport!] I boldly forced myself to break away from the game, to prepare an overdue meal for my beloved and myself. A delicious Trout, Peppers and Mushroom Savoury Rice dish was the result of my endeavours; the creativity, of cooking, helped release some of the tension that had taken hold of me whilst watching the match.

Still Learning after all these years

A combination of weariness, the heat of the day and, the odd aching twinge, militated against me taking a walk for the second successive day (see ‘Progress Assumed’ on Mal’s Murmurings). Come mid-evening, when the heat of the day subsided a little, I managed to unlock a little reserve from the energy bank and, released the lawnmower from its temporary hibernation. I actually managed to mow most of the lawn area as well as retrieving the grassy pathways around our wild-meadow area.

I do seem to be learning when to call a halt to any activity, in order to avoid the (previously habitual) wrecked status, which seemed to haunt me for the next few days following any form of exertion. Following the mowing exercise, I am now enjoying the company of my beloved, who also came to join me in the garden, as we enjoy some time together in front of the goggle box.

I am indeed a fortunate man.

Water Lilies and Visitor

A blooming marvellous time on the garden pond.

The Old Wives' proved Right

Guardian Unlimited | Science | Heat 'relieves internal pain'