Morning arrived, bogged down in an intensity of rain; it’s rapping at the window awakened me from quite sound sleep. Each drop-fall, on the skylight window, resonated through the loft-space and tumbled down the steps.
A young blackbird rakes around in the undergrowth, sheltered by the buddleia, as the rain eases; it’s rather like watching a seasoned beachcomber at work. Watching this activity, I feel at ease with the world, milkily grizzled sky and all; it’s almost as if the bird is turning leaves and soil for pleasure, rather than as part of an endless quest for survival. At this time of the year, worms and grubs are in plentiful supply, so its living is easy.
I celebrate this abundant supply. Today I am grateful, for the food in my belly, a roof over my head and, the abundant supply of love which constantly nurtures me. The raindrops may be falling on my head but, it’s certainly not raining in my heart.
As I sit here typing, the rain has all but left us for the moment and, sparrows wallow in the birdbath, as if they haven’t a care in the world.
******************
A new draft poem on the raindrop theme has been posted on Mal's Factory this morning.
- living and frequently struggling with moderate M.E. -
where (bad) health, faith, politics and the joys and troubles of daily life collide.
ME
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
An Exceptional Day
Yesterday was quite an exceptional day for me, in terms of utilization of my somewhat maudlin reserves of physical and emotional stamina; I even managed to flex my concentration muscle a little in the earlier part of the day.
Firstly, I managed to spend a full twenty minutes reading a book, before releasing myself from the duvet cocoon and, although I slightly overstayed my allocated period of bed rest, I still managed to shake the haze out of my brain, and the fog from my field of vision, by the time I’d grabbed a bowl of cereal. To actually have shoes on my feet (shortly) before 11.00AM made quite a change too.
Next I chivvied myself to take a brief stroll to ‘Open Church’ to share coffee, biscuits, and a natter with some of the regulars and, renew acquaintance with others. After a short time there, I veered into one of my legendary hot-flushes, thankfully in a reasonably moderate key, but Isabel (an octogenarian veteran of these coffee supping occasions) was quick to say, “hot flushes Malcolm … is there a big secret you’ve been keeping from us?” As if to, perversely, emphasize my masculine pride, I told her that my hot flushes could outshine the best my beloved ever came up with!
Forty-five to fifty minutes later, I hit the road again, for a leisurely stroll back home. After a little rest, I entered the cyberspace surfing realm, checking e-mails, friends postings on ‘MySpace’ and, a cursory skim through the lead items in various online newspapers. A time of drift followed, to the accompanying strains of (BBC )Radio 4 & Radio 3 until my beloved returned from work. Having prepared a little transcontinental pasta, eagerly devoured by the two of us, more exercise was to follow as we wandered off, hand in hand, into the sunset for a 35 minute reasonably brisk walk.
Neither the degree of exercise, nor the socializing, was even on my agenda in the early part of the year. It truly was an exceptional day!
Today has remained lower key; my furthest venturing has been from bedroom to living room, living room to kitchen and, the odd ambling move to the garden pond. My earliest visit to the pond, this morning, resulted in the gentle eruption of a new poem; the poem ‘Morning Song’ can be read on Mal’s Factory or at Hirsute Antiquity.
Firstly, I managed to spend a full twenty minutes reading a book, before releasing myself from the duvet cocoon and, although I slightly overstayed my allocated period of bed rest, I still managed to shake the haze out of my brain, and the fog from my field of vision, by the time I’d grabbed a bowl of cereal. To actually have shoes on my feet (shortly) before 11.00AM made quite a change too.
Next I chivvied myself to take a brief stroll to ‘Open Church’ to share coffee, biscuits, and a natter with some of the regulars and, renew acquaintance with others. After a short time there, I veered into one of my legendary hot-flushes, thankfully in a reasonably moderate key, but Isabel (an octogenarian veteran of these coffee supping occasions) was quick to say, “hot flushes Malcolm … is there a big secret you’ve been keeping from us?” As if to, perversely, emphasize my masculine pride, I told her that my hot flushes could outshine the best my beloved ever came up with!
Forty-five to fifty minutes later, I hit the road again, for a leisurely stroll back home. After a little rest, I entered the cyberspace surfing realm, checking e-mails, friends postings on ‘MySpace’ and, a cursory skim through the lead items in various online newspapers. A time of drift followed, to the accompanying strains of (BBC )Radio 4 & Radio 3 until my beloved returned from work. Having prepared a little transcontinental pasta, eagerly devoured by the two of us, more exercise was to follow as we wandered off, hand in hand, into the sunset for a 35 minute reasonably brisk walk.
Neither the degree of exercise, nor the socializing, was even on my agenda in the early part of the year. It truly was an exceptional day!
Today has remained lower key; my furthest venturing has been from bedroom to living room, living room to kitchen and, the odd ambling move to the garden pond. My earliest visit to the pond, this morning, resulted in the gentle eruption of a new poem; the poem ‘Morning Song’ can be read on Mal’s Factory or at Hirsute Antiquity.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Taking Stock
My previous postings today have represented both passive and active modes of contemplation, on Hirsute Antiquity (my blog on My Space) and Mal’s Murmurings respectively.
In some ways I’m pleasantly surprised by these contemplative endeavours, as the past 36 hours have found me restless and frustrated, in a way that could seem close to depression, except it wasn’t marred by any real degree of discontent. Discomfort would be more the key, the sheer heaviness of fatigue with weary limbs, joints and, a slightly out of kilter sense of balance. But, even in this state, I still could find the energy to indulge in important acts of sharing and giving with my beloved. To roll and rejoice in each others arms, to sing with our hearts the joy of being one, and at one, with the whole of creation.
The energy levels, both physically and emotionally, leave much to be desired yet I know, and know of, many others who would consider the resources of stamina I possess their Eldorado. I’ve even managed to rinse out the filters from, and add treatments to, the pond’s filtration unit this afternoon and, hopefully without tempting providence, anticipate an evening walk.
As I approached the pond, it seemed as if each piscine resident had heard the lunch bell sound as they rushed to greet me. It seemed a shame to disappoint them but, they’d already had two feeds today and, there seems to be a reasonably abundant native supply of bloodworms and midge larvae in there.
Suddenly, it seems as if I’m counting my blessings once again! I am and I do – it’s always good to take stock!
***************
PS 9.50PM : This evening, I retraced the zig-zag route reported on in ‘A Little Diversion’ and, I’m quite extremely happy to report no ill effects on this occasion, apart from a very transitory spasm in the small of my back. This time I walked the route hand-in-hand with my beloved and, of course, that must have made all the difference!
In some ways I’m pleasantly surprised by these contemplative endeavours, as the past 36 hours have found me restless and frustrated, in a way that could seem close to depression, except it wasn’t marred by any real degree of discontent. Discomfort would be more the key, the sheer heaviness of fatigue with weary limbs, joints and, a slightly out of kilter sense of balance. But, even in this state, I still could find the energy to indulge in important acts of sharing and giving with my beloved. To roll and rejoice in each others arms, to sing with our hearts the joy of being one, and at one, with the whole of creation.
The energy levels, both physically and emotionally, leave much to be desired yet I know, and know of, many others who would consider the resources of stamina I possess their Eldorado. I’ve even managed to rinse out the filters from, and add treatments to, the pond’s filtration unit this afternoon and, hopefully without tempting providence, anticipate an evening walk.
As I approached the pond, it seemed as if each piscine resident had heard the lunch bell sound as they rushed to greet me. It seemed a shame to disappoint them but, they’d already had two feeds today and, there seems to be a reasonably abundant native supply of bloodworms and midge larvae in there.
Suddenly, it seems as if I’m counting my blessings once again! I am and I do – it’s always good to take stock!
***************
PS 9.50PM : This evening, I retraced the zig-zag route reported on in ‘A Little Diversion’ and, I’m quite extremely happy to report no ill effects on this occasion, apart from a very transitory spasm in the small of my back. This time I walked the route hand-in-hand with my beloved and, of course, that must have made all the difference!
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Walking In The Light
And in this day the Lord has made, Malcolm contentedly rejoices. To enjoy a slow emergence into day, blissfully wrapped in my beloved’s embrace is always special and, being the weekend, there’s a bit more opportunity to share this precious time. Weekdays, Helen has frequently departed the duvet realm at an hour when my consciousness has not quite eluded the arms of Morpheus.
Later in the day, I shared the celebratory postings of a special person who has regained control of her own life.
Wherever there is light, apart from in a void, it casts a shadow; sometimes we need a helping hand to adjust the angle of the light, ensuring that the shadow is thrown well behind us!
Later in the day, I shared the celebratory postings of a special person who has regained control of her own life.
Wherever there is light, apart from in a void, it casts a shadow; sometimes we need a helping hand to adjust the angle of the light, ensuring that the shadow is thrown well behind us!
Friday, August 11, 2006
From Tiredness to Exhilaration
Today has been one of tiredness and exhilaration. The tiredness, ironically, is partly a result of being so wonderfully, floatingly, zonked out last night (after my acupuncture session) that I was really super alert this morning. Being up and about before 10.00am should have sounded warning bells but, we had a visitor coming around, one of Helen's old schoolfriends who's visiting God's own county for a few days.
This initial state of alert rapidly dissipated, even before the morning was out, and I spent most of the afternoon wondering what day of the week it was! Now, that's not quite so bad as it sounds but, having a visitor in the morning made me think it must be Saturday and, I found myself wondering if I was sufficiently energized to start my preparations for Sunday lunch. I've got to admit though that some of my general wooziness was of the pleasant variety, it was only the little glitches when I found my balance going a bit wonky, as I moved around the house, that it posed any problem.
Of course there's no rest for the wicked and, after Helen returned from seeing her computer students at the Acorn Centre, and a subsequent trip out to have a drink with Beth, it was business as usual. I prepared a medium-hot/hot Trout biryani type dish for our evening meal, much appreciated by both of us. It's quite strange to think that when we met, Helen didn't like fish or spicy food and now, both are on her favourites list - it's maybe all a subtle ploy to ensure that I keep slaving over a hot stove.
After the meal, we drove around to see Anne Marie, one of Helen's students, who we were able to set up with a new computer (and not so new monitor) a few weeks ago, as she'd found her printer wasn't working. So, Malcolm was called in as troubleshooter and, to see the delight on her face when this was sorted and, I'd shown her how to use WMP to play music while she worked diligently on her CLAIT course work. Just to witness her delight and gratitude, in response to such minimal effort on my part, is where the exhilaration enters the picture. She calls the computer her baby, and this from a woman who has eight grown up children. The fact that we were listening to 'Rock n' Roll Legends', a reminder that once even I was a teenager, as I played around with the PC, meant that the visit lasted a little longer than we'd anticipated!
This initial state of alert rapidly dissipated, even before the morning was out, and I spent most of the afternoon wondering what day of the week it was! Now, that's not quite so bad as it sounds but, having a visitor in the morning made me think it must be Saturday and, I found myself wondering if I was sufficiently energized to start my preparations for Sunday lunch. I've got to admit though that some of my general wooziness was of the pleasant variety, it was only the little glitches when I found my balance going a bit wonky, as I moved around the house, that it posed any problem.
Of course there's no rest for the wicked and, after Helen returned from seeing her computer students at the Acorn Centre, and a subsequent trip out to have a drink with Beth, it was business as usual. I prepared a medium-hot/hot Trout biryani type dish for our evening meal, much appreciated by both of us. It's quite strange to think that when we met, Helen didn't like fish or spicy food and now, both are on her favourites list - it's maybe all a subtle ploy to ensure that I keep slaving over a hot stove.
After the meal, we drove around to see Anne Marie, one of Helen's students, who we were able to set up with a new computer (and not so new monitor) a few weeks ago, as she'd found her printer wasn't working. So, Malcolm was called in as troubleshooter and, to see the delight on her face when this was sorted and, I'd shown her how to use WMP to play music while she worked diligently on her CLAIT course work. Just to witness her delight and gratitude, in response to such minimal effort on my part, is where the exhilaration enters the picture. She calls the computer her baby, and this from a woman who has eight grown up children. The fact that we were listening to 'Rock n' Roll Legends', a reminder that once even I was a teenager, as I played around with the PC, meant that the visit lasted a little longer than we'd anticipated!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Kick started by the pricks
A welcome warm tingling glow waltzed caressingly around the calves and shins. It was as if velvet wrapped knuckles were applying the most perfect conceivable massage, in the best of all possible worlds! And that’s only for starters. You may quite rightfully wonder what Sinna Luvva’s getting at and, such is my cosily floating universe at present that my response requires a great deal of conscious effort.
My acupuncture session, this afternoon, was quite tangibly pouring much needed energy into my lower limbs yet, I was totally oblivious to the (actual) position of the needles and, I most certainly hadn’t realized the extra concentration around shins, ankles and top of the feet. I had, as usual, an awareness of those placed at the juncture of thumb and forefinger of each hand, especially as today they seemed to generate a concentration of heat. This was not at all a discomforting heat but, rather reassuring.
It’s always difficult to predict what sensation will accompany the treatment but, despite my initial scepticism when I started my treatments last fall, the results have proved quite positive, initially in terms of pain relief (when that was the focus) and subsequently in terms of re-energizing.
I will always be grateful for the healing efforts of Helen A. What a privilege to receive such treatment under the aegis of a much maligned NHS!
My acupuncture session, this afternoon, was quite tangibly pouring much needed energy into my lower limbs yet, I was totally oblivious to the (actual) position of the needles and, I most certainly hadn’t realized the extra concentration around shins, ankles and top of the feet. I had, as usual, an awareness of those placed at the juncture of thumb and forefinger of each hand, especially as today they seemed to generate a concentration of heat. This was not at all a discomforting heat but, rather reassuring.
It’s always difficult to predict what sensation will accompany the treatment but, despite my initial scepticism when I started my treatments last fall, the results have proved quite positive, initially in terms of pain relief (when that was the focus) and subsequently in terms of re-energizing.
I will always be grateful for the healing efforts of Helen A. What a privilege to receive such treatment under the aegis of a much maligned NHS!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Not So Much A Setback (More A Way of Life)
I'm experiencing so many technical gliches on 'MySpace' that, once again, I'm duplicating a blog entry from 'Words of An Hirsute Antiquity' here ... just in case ...
"After a joyously calm start to the morning, things became a little tougher mid-afternoon. It’s quite odd how a quite gentle walk can suddenly turn into an arduous expedition, not so much a mood swing, more a body one. Sometimes one’s body is just so reluctant to do what it’s told. It’s been well drilled into me how much one has to listen to their body but, there are times when we just have to show it who’s the master. The minor discomforting setback, recorded by Sinna Luvva, although of today’s vintage, already seems like ancient history.
These little incidents, when I seem to have lost control, serve as a useful reminder of just how much I am able to do with my life! Sure, it’s an inconvenience not to be able to do too much forward planning but, I am loved and accepted for who I am, not what or how much I can do."
"After a joyously calm start to the morning, things became a little tougher mid-afternoon. It’s quite odd how a quite gentle walk can suddenly turn into an arduous expedition, not so much a mood swing, more a body one. Sometimes one’s body is just so reluctant to do what it’s told. It’s been well drilled into me how much one has to listen to their body but, there are times when we just have to show it who’s the master. The minor discomforting setback, recorded by Sinna Luvva, although of today’s vintage, already seems like ancient history.
These little incidents, when I seem to have lost control, serve as a useful reminder of just how much I am able to do with my life! Sure, it’s an inconvenience not to be able to do too much forward planning but, I am loved and accepted for who I am, not what or how much I can do."
A Little Diversion
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have composition soles on your sandals, comprising 80% well chewed gum and 20% elasticised super-glue? I can assure you that it’s not to be recommended!
After a calmly joyous start to the day, I drifted into early afternoon. By mid-afternoon, I felt I should take myself for a little walk and, on the outward part of my little expedition, I dropped a prescription in to the local pharmacist. Having started off on one of my usual circuits, I decided to add a bit of a zig-zag to the route, perhaps adding little more than a couple of hundred yards to the overall journey. Whether it was an error of judgement, or simply an incident waiting to happen, I don’t know but, halfway through this diversionary route my thighs and knees started to resist my will to move onwards,
My style, if such it can be called, was in desperate need of amendment; perhaps I should start to swing my legs a different way. For a few brief yards I practised a stiff legged waddle, a new item for my repertoire; this only served to make hips and the small of the back ache in quite an ominous fashion. Thankfully this was only a passing fad.
As I approached the pharmacy, on my home run, to pick up the dispensed prescription, I found myself wondering why they didn’t offer a drive you home service rather than a prescription collection one. What a welcoming prospect that would have been! The knee joint felt like it was grating against the tibia and fibula, the hip joint in need of lubrication and, by this time I was in need of some serious thirst-quenching. Still, I struggled wimpishly on, collected my prescription and suddenly, I recognized the above composition of my sandal’s soles; it seemed to take a real effort of will to lift my foot from the pavement for each step, it was as if the force of gravity was concentrating all its attention on my feet.!
Still, I survived to tell the tale and, sat here with my glass of Adam’s Ale, I am once again at peace with the world. But what do I do next, take another walk to reassure myself that this was just a temporary blip, or rest assured that the rest will cure all?
I have overcome and I will overcome; even now the incident seems laughable.
After a calmly joyous start to the day, I drifted into early afternoon. By mid-afternoon, I felt I should take myself for a little walk and, on the outward part of my little expedition, I dropped a prescription in to the local pharmacist. Having started off on one of my usual circuits, I decided to add a bit of a zig-zag to the route, perhaps adding little more than a couple of hundred yards to the overall journey. Whether it was an error of judgement, or simply an incident waiting to happen, I don’t know but, halfway through this diversionary route my thighs and knees started to resist my will to move onwards,
My style, if such it can be called, was in desperate need of amendment; perhaps I should start to swing my legs a different way. For a few brief yards I practised a stiff legged waddle, a new item for my repertoire; this only served to make hips and the small of the back ache in quite an ominous fashion. Thankfully this was only a passing fad.
As I approached the pharmacy, on my home run, to pick up the dispensed prescription, I found myself wondering why they didn’t offer a drive you home service rather than a prescription collection one. What a welcoming prospect that would have been! The knee joint felt like it was grating against the tibia and fibula, the hip joint in need of lubrication and, by this time I was in need of some serious thirst-quenching. Still, I struggled wimpishly on, collected my prescription and suddenly, I recognized the above composition of my sandal’s soles; it seemed to take a real effort of will to lift my foot from the pavement for each step, it was as if the force of gravity was concentrating all its attention on my feet.!
Still, I survived to tell the tale and, sat here with my glass of Adam’s Ale, I am once again at peace with the world. But what do I do next, take another walk to reassure myself that this was just a temporary blip, or rest assured that the rest will cure all?
I have overcome and I will overcome; even now the incident seems laughable.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Catching the drift
Having spent much of the day drifting in and out of cyberspace, messaging wonderful friends on ‘MySpace’, posting a NEW poem (inspired by a beautiful friend) on ‘Mal’s Factory’ and, visiting the Help with ME Forum, the only real exercise of the day was provided by sauntering up to the garden pond to feed the fish.
Once my beloved returned from work, we strolled down to the local Brewer’s Fayre for a little early evening meal. The salmon risotto, topped with an apple and sultana curry sauce, was the choice of both Helen and myself; it’s amazing the lengths some people will go to in order to avoid washing up duties. I suppose it could be viewed as a rightful extension of our No More Buts Day celebrations. The saunter back home provided the day’s extra bit of exercise.
And there’s a real bonus, another dish of my own unique Eurasian style chicken casserole remains for our indulgence tomorrow evening. The first dish was much appreciated on Sunday and, I have no doubts that a couple of standing days will have only served to enhance the flavour, if that’s at all possible!
Of course all the opinions expressed here are simply an expression of my own brand of humility!
Once my beloved returned from work, we strolled down to the local Brewer’s Fayre for a little early evening meal. The salmon risotto, topped with an apple and sultana curry sauce, was the choice of both Helen and myself; it’s amazing the lengths some people will go to in order to avoid washing up duties. I suppose it could be viewed as a rightful extension of our No More Buts Day celebrations. The saunter back home provided the day’s extra bit of exercise.
And there’s a real bonus, another dish of my own unique Eurasian style chicken casserole remains for our indulgence tomorrow evening. The first dish was much appreciated on Sunday and, I have no doubts that a couple of standing days will have only served to enhance the flavour, if that’s at all possible!
Of course all the opinions expressed here are simply an expression of my own brand of humility!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
No More Buts Day
Today, 6 August, is a significant day in the life. Firstly, it’s the anniversary of the day when the horrific power of the atom was released on Hiroshima, it is also the Feast of the Transfiguration but, a more immediately important event in my life occurred just seven years ago today! On that day my beloved and I got engaged. To be totally honest, it wasn’t formally an engagement; it was a day on which I said “no more buts”. Perhaps this is an all too familiar saga, all those times when I expressed my love and, yes I do want to spend all of my time with you, but …. The thought of someone committing the rest of their life to me, that’s truly awesome!
Anyway, the 6th August 1999 will henceforth be remembered as NO MORE BUTS DAY! Helen’s eldest daughter kept pestering us to know whether we were engaged yet, she had it all planned out for us, so from that day forth the answer was, “yes”. For Beth, it was like a confirmation that we were indeed an item, for me more the awesome prospect of an impending marriage ceremony a mere seven months down the line. On reflection though, that tying of the knot is the best thing that ever happened to me; this middle aged chap, who’d been around a bit, had finally overcome the fear of sole / soul commitment. At times I dreamt of finding a wealthy widow, to secure me in my old age, but to chance to meet a widow who didn’t quite fulfil the ‘wealthy’ aspect, that really wasn’t on my agenda.
As soon as I met my beloved, she was quite puzzled that I should hug all the other ladies, young or old, but not her. I suppose I sensed something different here and a hug can be so wrongly misinterpreted. The real magical buzz occurred when I held her hand; funny old world, eh? This was going to entail the transition from a hug of love and friendship to the full “to have and to hold”.
Today is a significant day in my life!
Anyway, the 6th August 1999 will henceforth be remembered as NO MORE BUTS DAY! Helen’s eldest daughter kept pestering us to know whether we were engaged yet, she had it all planned out for us, so from that day forth the answer was, “yes”. For Beth, it was like a confirmation that we were indeed an item, for me more the awesome prospect of an impending marriage ceremony a mere seven months down the line. On reflection though, that tying of the knot is the best thing that ever happened to me; this middle aged chap, who’d been around a bit, had finally overcome the fear of sole / soul commitment. At times I dreamt of finding a wealthy widow, to secure me in my old age, but to chance to meet a widow who didn’t quite fulfil the ‘wealthy’ aspect, that really wasn’t on my agenda.
As soon as I met my beloved, she was quite puzzled that I should hug all the other ladies, young or old, but not her. I suppose I sensed something different here and a hug can be so wrongly misinterpreted. The real magical buzz occurred when I held her hand; funny old world, eh? This was going to entail the transition from a hug of love and friendship to the full “to have and to hold”.
Today is a significant day in my life!
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