Hopefully - just a little phase I'm going through!

I really hate that sudden feeling of confusion, an un-preparedness to pursue that task or goal which, only a few moments before, you knew you were fully capable of fulfilling. It's not even anything out of the usual, perhaps even part of a regular routine, that suddenly becomes daunting. Even one's thoughts seem to be jumbled up, impossible to decipher. 

Quite a while since I last experienced that but, yesterday, it suddenly hit me and I can't even remember what the task was that I either completed or cancelled. At lunch-time today it seemed more like a panic attack as I began preparation for this evenings meal; I'm rather pleased with myself that I was able to continue despite a sense of emotional exhaustion.

Glands, at side of my neck and under my chin, have been feeling a kind of sharp bruised tenderness for a couple of days now whilst my eyes have reacted with extreme sensitivity, spasmodically and hopefully very temporarily, towards any light source -  a kind of sensory overload. Sudden waves of overwhelming exhaustion, as if something's achingly gnawing through my bones as well as muscles, serve to remind me of my quite routine state of being for months at a time during the past decade.

The bright side is that it has made me feel most grateful for a fairly sustained run of reasonably good days. I'm just hoping and praying that I'm not heading for a total relapse.

Sometimes

Sometimes life just feels good, no matter how ropey ones underlying condition may be. It's the simple things that count for so much; the delights of taking a shower comfortably seated, remembering how much one struggled before that simple installation of a seat was made. To relish a rare good nights sleep, waking in the morning feeling almost refreshed and, the odd muscular spasm responding to an appropriate medication.


Having registered with a different doctors practice on Monday, one fortunately within my restricted walking range,I had an initial consultation yesterday where I was able to initiate an essential modification to my precribed medications. To be honest though, even the most efficacious medications seem to carry with them some undesirable side effects and one has to carefully consider their relative demerits.


The GP I saw also appeared to be quite understanding about M.E. which was a very pleasant surprise, when one has become quite used to a rather dismissive attitude, seeing the importance of pacing and resting. She even seemed supportive when I suggested the importance of campaigning on ME related issues and how important an online presence had been for me. An acceptance (albeit reluctantly) of the quite dramatic limitations that chronic illness imposed on any socializing activity, was for me a significant turning point, I was no longer held hostage by a recklessly seething self-pitying anger. The more I resented the condition, the more difficult it had become to develop any kind of strategy to cope with it; acceptance enabled me to regain myself.


Sometimes, life just feels good - just venture into the garden, take a few snaps - Spring is so much in evidence ...

                                               Click on image to enlarge