Making the most of a bad job!

This evening, at 10.00pm, I went out for my first BBW (brief brisk walk) since rather overdoing it last Friday. An attempt to speed up on the return leg (of the walk ... I actually used both each way!) proved moderately successful. Irregularity of ability seems to be pretty much the blueprint for me at the moment. It would be nice if I could know in advance how, within reason, I was going to be the next day. I don't so much mind having to learn my limitations and so, pace my activities but, one days reasonable pacing seems to be the next day's struggle.

If I was more capable of an active social whirl I wouldn't moan on so much about limitations but, I do recognize how fortunate I am in what I can manage. The real frustration is that my energy deficit, lack of concentration, even the joint pains, seem to get passed off as symptoms of the depression of which I am 95% of the time unaware. As someone who has suffered spasmodic bouts of depression, not at all regularly, since my "breakdown" in the mid-60's, I do wish that my opinion that I am not in any way suffering any classic form of depression could be taken seriously. What "low" bouts I have these days, often of just a few hours duration, bear no resemblance to the pall that hung over me when I was depressed; they usually are a frustrated re-action to my lack of energy and physiological discomfort. The "chicken and egg problem" is all too obvious.

Body and mind are quite clearly closely intertwined, one can quite easily feel down because of a physical or neurological ailment ... this is not the same as being depressed!

PS I actually baled out 100 litres of water from the pond at lunch-time ... my, my, haven't I managed an exertionful day? My halo's positively shining.

Here Is The News

Once again various niggling skin irritations, and muscle twitches, have forced me out of bed. I hasten to add that the irritations were my personal property and, not a secondary effect from my better half who despite my antics remains sound asleep. I admit to some disruption of her sleep pattern.

Anyway, I've no intention of boring you with vivid descriptions. The following Headline and sub-header on VNU net really appealed to my sense of humour:

Russian spammer found beaten to death
One billion email users under suspicion as police launch enquiry

Reflections from a tired soul.

Just watched 'The Last Temptation Of Christ', for the first time in a few years, and am quite stunned by it's power. The interaction/conflict between body and spirit is remarkably portrayed; the equation between the humanity and the divinity of Jesus is one with which I've wrestled on many occasions!

Were he not fully human, then there would be no incarnation (enfleshment) but sinlessness casts doubt on the full humanity. My understanding of God is almost entirely shaped by Jesus, a moulding that survived and strengthened whilst studying other religious traditions. The concerns that grasp me tend to be funnelled through the Christ tradition.

I have a faith and many doubts; a concentration on the spirit which ignores the needs of the flesh and the struggle for justice has never been for me.

MUSINGS

I'd been fighting against the odds, in the battle against inattention but, despite my concentration deficit, the muse still grabbed me and pinned my (already) strapped wrists down in front of a keyboard. In fact the muse called at an inconvenient time and, I had to struggle against the alloy wrist brace to scribble down the first mysterious words.

Anyway, the result so far, a poem called BEING can be viewed on Heterocon's site. The muse can be at times aMUSING, more frequently beMUSING but, above all, she cannot (or I dare not take the risk) be mocked!

Today, I thank the muse; this time she wreaked no havoc but, left my day on a more positive course.

A de-concentrated morning

Today concentration is at a long-time low; I'm even surprised I found my way to the dashboard. Open up my various e-mail programmes, look at what's there and I can't even be bothered to open them!

Go out into the wet miserable day, just to the local Co-op to obtain a nicotine refill, take advantage of the occasion for a short stroll (around the shortest block) and return home slightly refreshed. Start browsing through the odd e-mail, following a few links but, still the concentration isn't there.

The real blessing of the day is that my beloved Helen is at home until mid-afternoon, I always love it when she's around and, I know that she enjoys my company (even though she suffers with me ... every little ache and frustration!)

With a wonderful wife and, an online opportunity to rant, what more could one desire .... no, no, don't answer that ...!

Drifting Into Laughter

A day of some discomfort, at times considerable but, I almost kept on smiling through. It was one of those days when computer technology seemed to have a mind of it's own, whilst my nind drifted away from anything I hoped to concentrate on.

When Helen arrived back from her day at the hospital and, a trip out with Beth, it proved a real bright-spot in my day. She popped a couple of potatoes in the oven, to get on with the baking process whilst she got on with her blog and caught up with e-mails. When the potatoes were ready, I chargrilled some Salmon along with cherry tomatoes, peppers and mushrooms, as an abundantly overflowing filling for the jacket pots.

Our friend Graham came around this evening and, left more relaxed than when he arrived. At least I managed to get him and ma belle amoureuse laughing; quite on form tonight! I'm not the perfect misery my blog at times seems to be striving towards.

The tiredness, which has never really left me all day, is starting to really make it's presence felt. Let's hope there's no need for more messages ce soir.

Restless

After a couple of better night's sleep, tonight is back to a tale of discomfort. A restlesness on retiring, stretching my limbs every which way all to no avail The convulsive like twitching of the legs I couldn't quite control and, suddenly all the nerve endings in my body seemed to be set on edge. Much as I love snuggling up to my beloved (and vice-versa) I suddenly couldn't tolerate being touched, the price to be paid was a cringing shudder.

Perhaps the rather negative vibe to my day has now allocated itself to the night as well. I've just been down to make myself a mug of drinking chocolate, an action designed more to occupy my by now restless mind as any actual benefit it may have.

Sitting upright, in front of this bit of technology, temporarily seems to be the most comfortable position. Wish I could say as much for the process of hitting the keys. Radio 2 plays quietly in the background, a soothing companion in my solitude. I'm trusting it won't be too long until my mind and body are sufficiently relaxed to contemplate some sleep.

Sweet Dreams.

A Hollow Day

Today was, in considerable parts, a day of hollowness; a kind of depression, in response to noticing all the tasks that I could be doing in the home and garden and yet, don't feel able to tackle. When one of these hollow days occurs, every slight hiccup to one's routine takes on a disproportionate weight.

When it comes to summing up this quite negative day however, it is the good things that come foremost in the mind, like the company of an adored and adoring wife. The usual light chores, which can be pleasures on a better day, seem to get done ... e.g. feeding the fish in both pond and aquarium, preparing dinner for Helen and myself ... but, the rest of the day is lost in a drift of resting and moping.

Mid-evening brought about an improvement in my mood, when I received (via e-mail) four more photos of my gorgeous great-niece. Her special smile is enough to drive away the blues. After that I seemed to manage to raise sufficient energy to watch a couple of episodes of CSI with my beloved.

Just for the sake of Being

Just popped by, en route from tending to Heterocon's impulses. It has started to become a habit with Heterocon, to clutch at "coffin nails" instead of straws. If you find this perplexing visit the following two entries : "A Question of Understanding" and "My Old Friend Nick Teen".

Once again I find myself struggling with fatigue, although the aches and pains are on a much lesser scale than of late. The big question always is ... How much do I/dare I push myself. When it comes to mental exertion the situation is even more problematic; whereas at times we can set aside physical chores, the ruminations of the mind continue unabated come rain or shine.

Perhaps, if I could find a shortcut to restoring my once pretty good powers of concentration, I could immerse myself in a good book thus cutting down on the time given to my meandering thoughts! I am therefore I think, to twist Descartes maxim into a more existentialist framework ... then all that remains is the action consequent upon the thought.

Sorry, I'm rambling again; I only called in to prevent any feelings of neglect!

Love Struck

Heterocon has already recalled my disastrous struggles with a rabid vegetable oil bottle but, that wasn't the end of the story. On hearing my gasps and groans of exasperation, my beloved came dashing through to the rescue; at this point I heard a sudden roll of thunder which I was swiftly to discover was a tremendous collision between Helen's left hand and the lounge door.

Throughout the evening the pain has been growing, as I hear her moaning about a severely corrupted hand! No, actually, I can quite believe tha pain has been increasing, as can be evidenced by the expanding first-finger knuckle. I did wonder why she kept shunning me when I attempted to hold her hand. It's hard to please some people!