Once more, a night of spasmodically interrupted sleep was followed by a rather belated immersion into the world of the awake. I emerged, albeit sluggishly, with a lightness of spirit which was definitely not present before these twelve hours of “rest”.
One of life’s great imponderables is, why should bed rest prove so much more efficacious than days of imposed housebound inactivity? Heterocon has already commented on my enjoyment of today’s bout of exercise and, for that I give thanks.
Today my powers of concentration showed a modest improvement and, I’ve managed to read (and digest) a couple of short chapters of “Consuming Passion”, an easily assimilated collection of essays challenging the theology of penal substitution.
- living and frequently struggling with moderate M.E. -
where (bad) health, faith, politics and the joys and troubles of daily life collide.
ME
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
A shaky progress
My ability to concentrate, during the past couple of years, has markedly declined. In recent days, it has veered dangerously close to zero point.
How much of this further decline is due to the absence of the cigarette smoking ritual, which served as an essential distraction, to break up prolonged periods of minimal activity. A passive nicotine patch is no substitute for the active inhalation of hot toxins. I’m not really sure that I enjoyed cigarettes; I know that I occasionally enjoyed the smoking process.
The struggle continues!
How much of this further decline is due to the absence of the cigarette smoking ritual, which served as an essential distraction, to break up prolonged periods of minimal activity. A passive nicotine patch is no substitute for the active inhalation of hot toxins. I’m not really sure that I enjoyed cigarettes; I know that I occasionally enjoyed the smoking process.
The struggle continues!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Where's it heading
Got to admit it, I’ve been feeling much more alert today but, even so, I’ve been unable to concentrate on anything. Strangely, I’ve not even browsed my favourite online newspapers; in spite of having a much better day, it’s almost as if I can’t be bothered!
So, this is the point where the guilt kicks in; it’s one thing to lack the energy for any given physical activity but, to have an alert mind and not apply it, that’s a whole different ball-game.
But can guilt alone provide an incentive? Obviously not!
Sorry folks but, this is all you’re going to get! Just trying to get my head ‘round my mind.
So, this is the point where the guilt kicks in; it’s one thing to lack the energy for any given physical activity but, to have an alert mind and not apply it, that’s a whole different ball-game.
But can guilt alone provide an incentive? Obviously not!
Sorry folks but, this is all you’re going to get! Just trying to get my head ‘round my mind.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Questioning Received Wisdom
An excruciating headache, starting at eyebrow level, coupled with painful sinuses, aching jaw and a dry sore throat, took total possession of me (following several hours of incubation) about three hours ago. A burning eyes component is so much my resident companion, it hardly seems worthy of inclusion in the list. Whilst feeding my cigarette habit, I had assumed that these kinds of dis-ease were, in all probability, smoking related; as I’ve not had a cigarette since 3 November, this hardly seems to be the case.
In many ways, apart from ethical considerations (cash crops vs food crops etc.), I question the wisdom of stopping smoking. At least the habit provided me with intervals of distraction during my prolonged health-imposed periods of inactivity.
In many ways, apart from ethical considerations (cash crops vs food crops etc.), I question the wisdom of stopping smoking. At least the habit provided me with intervals of distraction during my prolonged health-imposed periods of inactivity.
Catching Up
Prepared and posted a blog last evening, only to delete it a couple of minutes later. Suddenly overwhelmed by a fatiguing emptiness, within ten minutes, I collapsed onto the sofa for an hours sleep. Having emerged into the day around 11.30AM, I was ‘out of it’ once more between 8.00 and 9.00PM.
Woke up in time to watch “Child of Mine”(ITV1) which certainly kept me awake for the next couple of hours. It was one of these strange productions whose premise had more holes in it than a colander yet, still managed to succeed as a kind of psychological thriller. Earlier in the day, I had transferred Woody Allen’s “Broadway Danny Rose”to DVD and, both my beloved and myself thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Once the adverts (it was originally recorded onto VHS from ‘The Studio’) were edited out, it just nicely filled the remaining time (LP) on the DVD to which I’d recorded “The Music Man”(BBC2), yet to be viewed, in the morning. A varied visual diet for a quiet Sunday.
Aroused myself from slumber-dom shortly before noon this morning and, following lunch, went to see the Practice Nurse who needed to check my progress on the quitting smoking regime. She has now issued reduced strength patches for me to try and, realizes my struggle with the weed is more mental than physical. She also recommends that I avoid looking at the more traditional quitting smoking literature, which is for me more a hindrance than an aid (see In Everything Give Thanks)!
Just have to see how we progress from here.
Woke up in time to watch “Child of Mine”(ITV1) which certainly kept me awake for the next couple of hours. It was one of these strange productions whose premise had more holes in it than a colander yet, still managed to succeed as a kind of psychological thriller. Earlier in the day, I had transferred Woody Allen’s “Broadway Danny Rose”to DVD and, both my beloved and myself thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Once the adverts (it was originally recorded onto VHS from ‘The Studio’) were edited out, it just nicely filled the remaining time (LP) on the DVD to which I’d recorded “The Music Man”(BBC2), yet to be viewed, in the morning. A varied visual diet for a quiet Sunday.
Aroused myself from slumber-dom shortly before noon this morning and, following lunch, went to see the Practice Nurse who needed to check my progress on the quitting smoking regime. She has now issued reduced strength patches for me to try and, realizes my struggle with the weed is more mental than physical. She also recommends that I avoid looking at the more traditional quitting smoking literature, which is for me more a hindrance than an aid (see In Everything Give Thanks)!
Just have to see how we progress from here.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
The X Factor
The positive note continued into today so, no complaints there! It really is good to feel a little more energized but, it’s very much a case of one day at a time. After my day's mini projects, recorded by Heterocon, decided to slump down in front of the TV.
The ‘X-Factor’ (ITV1) proved a difficult one to call tonight but, no matter what the talent of a particular performer … if it’s the wrong song … I’m really sorry to see Maria go and, didn’t envy Louis having the casting vote. It really was great to see Shayne back on form, with an appropriate song and, Journey South consistently make the most out of whatever material they tackle. Andy and Brenda, they’re both superb performers but, I was intrigued by Simon’s remarks as to whether Brenda has a recording voice! Last week, I commented (to ma belle amoureuse) how much I’d like a recording by Brenda then, qualified it by saying, “think it would have to be a DVD”. Andy’s rendition of a Boyz2Men song, a somewhat unusual choice, was for me the evening’s most soulful performance.
A glass of ‘Vina Tarapaca’ Cabernet Sauvignon 2003, a Chilean delight, provided a soothing accompaniment to our evening’s viewing.
The ‘X-Factor’ (ITV1) proved a difficult one to call tonight but, no matter what the talent of a particular performer … if it’s the wrong song … I’m really sorry to see Maria go and, didn’t envy Louis having the casting vote. It really was great to see Shayne back on form, with an appropriate song and, Journey South consistently make the most out of whatever material they tackle. Andy and Brenda, they’re both superb performers but, I was intrigued by Simon’s remarks as to whether Brenda has a recording voice! Last week, I commented (to ma belle amoureuse) how much I’d like a recording by Brenda then, qualified it by saying, “think it would have to be a DVD”. Andy’s rendition of a Boyz2Men song, a somewhat unusual choice, was for me the evening’s most soulful performance.
A glass of ‘Vina Tarapaca’ Cabernet Sauvignon 2003, a Chilean delight, provided a soothing accompaniment to our evening’s viewing.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Hello Again
Today, a slow start was absolutely necessary after last evening’s entry into ‘the void’. By the void, I refer to that all too frequent lack of physical & emotional stamina, in this instance accompanied by a total absence of any ability to concentrate. According to my beloved, it also led to the loss of my smile … I couldn’t even proffer a cynical token.
Having undergone a session of acupuncture in the late afternoon, I didn’t initially have any of the “zonked out” experience of last week’s session but, as the evening progressed it became more of a collapse. I suppose this is really a long-winded apology/excuse for yesterday’s lack of a posting.
Today has been much more positive as Heterocon (my alter-ego) explains in his posting ‘Born Again’.
My dear friend The Fox has planned a couple of days in the Lake District; unless the weather further West differs, to a most remarkable extent, from that which we’re experiencing, methinks the Lakes could well come to him!
Having undergone a session of acupuncture in the late afternoon, I didn’t initially have any of the “zonked out” experience of last week’s session but, as the evening progressed it became more of a collapse. I suppose this is really a long-winded apology/excuse for yesterday’s lack of a posting.
Today has been much more positive as Heterocon (my alter-ego) explains in his posting ‘Born Again’.
My dear friend The Fox has planned a couple of days in the Lake District; unless the weather further West differs, to a most remarkable extent, from that which we’re experiencing, methinks the Lakes could well come to him!
Freedom and Diversity
Two items in todays Washington Post caught my attention: the first by Eugene Robinson ['Accepting Diversity is Hard but Necessary' ], takes the riots in France as a starting point to argue the case for "multiculturalism"; the other article, by Michael Kinsley [ 'Who Loves Freedom More?'], contrasts a country with a Constitution and a Bill of Rights (USA) against one with a much more nebulous constitution (UK).
Despite my present rather feeble powers of concentration, I found much stimulation in these articles.
Despite my present rather feeble powers of concentration, I found much stimulation in these articles.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Wrapped In The Coils
I don’t think it’s simply the absence of smoke pollution, in my lungs and bloodstream, that’s making me so tetchy but, how I long for a cigarette. It doesn’t really seem like craving, more like good and pure lust and, I realize that cigarettes alone are not a recipe for salvation. The words that proceed from my mouth are not always that pleasant as I struggle against an extremely potent stress factor. It is hard to determine whether physical frailty or emotional instability is the root of this stress.
I have literally, albeit intermittently, been going weak at the knees these past few days; it’s almost as if a fractionally harder sneeze, these involuntary expirations have been quite prominent of late, would knock me totally off balance. My sleep pattern has become increasingly erratic (since I interrupted my tobacco input); perhaps the nicotine patches are really bad for me and, it’s the other ingested toxins that cigarettes supply that my body needs!
Another thought, that occurred today, is that on this attempt to ‘quit’ I was encouraged to plan ahead. Anyone who knows me well can vouch for the fact that, planning and Malcolm do not make for the best of bedfellows! For me, spontaneity is of the essence; problem is, and has been for the past couple of years, my lack of the necessary stamina to be spontaneous! Waiting to see how one feels at a given time paradoxically (or is it) precludes spontaneity … one can only be spontaneous when energy reserves permit it; the waiting game, to see whether emotional and physical resources are up to the task, is far too organized.
Life at the moment is very much a matter of pacing myself, in the hope that I can ‘save’ sufficient energy to become productive once more. The Protestant Work Ethic, once again, wraps it’s reptilian ‘coils’ around me and, I gasp for air.
I have literally, albeit intermittently, been going weak at the knees these past few days; it’s almost as if a fractionally harder sneeze, these involuntary expirations have been quite prominent of late, would knock me totally off balance. My sleep pattern has become increasingly erratic (since I interrupted my tobacco input); perhaps the nicotine patches are really bad for me and, it’s the other ingested toxins that cigarettes supply that my body needs!
Another thought, that occurred today, is that on this attempt to ‘quit’ I was encouraged to plan ahead. Anyone who knows me well can vouch for the fact that, planning and Malcolm do not make for the best of bedfellows! For me, spontaneity is of the essence; problem is, and has been for the past couple of years, my lack of the necessary stamina to be spontaneous! Waiting to see how one feels at a given time paradoxically (or is it) precludes spontaneity … one can only be spontaneous when energy reserves permit it; the waiting game, to see whether emotional and physical resources are up to the task, is far too organized.
Life at the moment is very much a matter of pacing myself, in the hope that I can ‘save’ sufficient energy to become productive once more. The Protestant Work Ethic, once again, wraps it’s reptilian ‘coils’ around me and, I gasp for air.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
working drafts
Two of my, not dissimilar, working drafts of a poem (The Candle) dating back to January 1991 (the time of the Gulf War), were recently unearthed by our friend Graham. As I don't feel sufficiently energised to do any further work on them at present, they have been posted on Mals Factory. Perhaps one of them is the finished work, but I'm not sure which!
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