New Every Morning ... (afternoon and evening too!)

Today has been a real day of reckoning, nothing too catastrophic, just a stubborn body reacting to a change of routine. Having gone out for Supper / Dinner last evening, at Helen’s sisters (an event recorded under “Making A Meal of It” on Malcolm’s MySpace blog), my body clock seemed to get over-wound.

My old familiar pattern of restless nights made itself differently manifest; the usual routine is one of feeling really tired but, not being able to sleep at all readily. Last night I quite simply didn’t feel tired but, part of my ‘pacing’ involves keeping a more regular routine so, for a change I found myself laying in bed (accompanied by ma belle & radio 2) feeling alert rather than wrecked, but the same impatience was there as I waited for the Sandman to call.

I entered the new morning, none too belatedly, moderately alert and so, I felt pleased with the progress that I’ve been making. At lunchtime I prepared, from scratch, a couple of tandoori salmon fillets served with penne pasta topped with sautéed peppers, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms and peppers and, my beloved and I enjoyed every morsel.

Post lunch, the decline set in with feverishly burning eyes and aching limbs; the only solution was to take a twenty minute nap which, quite mysteriously, transformed itself into a lost couple of hours.

When we ventured out for a walk, the air felt quite clammily oppressive, (even though the temperature is considerably lower than that experienced last week) and my lower limbs became, once more, lead lined tubes of kapok as the brief brisk exercise somersaulted into a weary plod.

Having relaxed in a comfortable high-backed chair for the subsequent hour, a hint of energy is coursing steadily through my veins. If this steady momentum can be maintained, I may even venture into the kitchen to start preparations for tomorrow’s lunch.

The next step is always the most important one I’ll ever have to take! I rejoice and am glad in this day, and so life goes forward to overcome each regressive stage.

AlterNet: Activists, Teachers: Don't Give Up

"The more hopeless the political situation, the more important are those who live and teach the principles of human decency"

AlterNet: Activists, Teachers: Don't Give Up

Unexpected Pleasures

Sometimes life offers up an unexpected pleasure and, sometimes these pleasures come in bundles. Today, I felt sufficiently resilient to get around to packing, and posting, five watercolour sketches to a reader of one of my weblogs who lives the other side of the big pond. What surprised me was the amount of stamina required, to sort out a simple task like packaging a few sheets of paper for transmission across the Atlantic. But, brushing negativity aside, it really has been good to get some positive feedback regarding paintings and poetry on my website and, after much e-mail correspondence, and submission of further jpeg images, it’s a real pleasure to supply the original sketches to someone who has shown such appreciation.

One of these days, I hope to have sufficient reserves of physical and emotional stamina to get down to some real painting once more; meantime, I am fortunate enough to have a few reasonable graphics and imaging programmes (on my PC) with which I can let the creative juices flow!

Another recurrent pleasure, experienced over the past couple of weeks, is the friendliness of people on ‘My Space’ and, the fact that some of one’s added “friends” really do get in touch! I feel quite privileged that they actually take the trouble, in their busy lives, to communicate both in public comments and personal messages. One gets the sense that this is a real community.

Slowly but Surely

For the first time in far too many a day, I decided to do a bit of reading before departing from the duvet realm. It’s the sort of book which I’d have read in a couple of days at one time, simultaneously scanning the pertinent contents / ideas to memory but, my concentration at the moment beats a retreat after about twenty minutes. On reflection, the fact that the writing held my attention and, I sustained concentration, for even that period of time, is a sign of progress!

After that ‘sustained’ bout of reading, I drifted back to dreamland and finally, rescued myself from the duvet lair a couple of hours later. Somehow, I found sufficient stamina in my energy bank to do a miniscule amount of work in the garden before rinsing out the filters from the pond’s filtration unit. It really feels good, being able to manage a few little tasks and, it provided an opportunity to restore a smidgen of glory to a rather tarnished halo.

Come early evening, my beloved having returned from work and a meal with Beth, we ventured out for one of our proverbial brief brisk walks. As we set off, we met Cathy’s friend Kate, who is currently recuperating from brain surgery and had a lovely chat. She’s just such a lovely radiant young lady, who seems to have lost little of her resilience despite the difficulties she has undergone over the past couple of years.

Unlike a few months ago, when any time spent stood in conversation meant that I lacked the stamina to continue the walk, we were able to finish our brisk stroll and, arrived home just in time to watch ‘The Inspector Lynley Mysteries’ (BBC1). Both the exercise and the TV gawping were gratefully received by yours truly!

Although progress may at times seem slow, I just have so much to be grateful for.

Replenishing the Soul

And the refreshing of the earth continues, in this small pocket of the globe at least. A brief venture to an out-of-town store necessitated a quick dash from the car through quite torrential rain but, I’m still revelling in this delightful downpour; the clammy cobwebs (from the hot and humid days) have been well and truly washed away from both mind and body.

Ma belle has been busy, finalizing her preparations for the service she’ll be leading on Sunday, whilst I’ve quite contentedly drifted through cyberspace, having failed to find that hint of inspiration (or imagination) which could inform me what else I could, or should, be doing with my time. I recognize that this “time of drift” is a luxury to be relished but, there are far too many moments when I long for the return of that emotional stamina which once enabled me to lead an (apparently) more purposeful socializing existence!

One of the great privileges of internet access is the ability to make new friends and acquaintances with some wonderful people, without whom the world would be a much poorer place. There are so many occasions when one is able to proffer, or receive, the appropriate words of encouragement and appreciation; my little life has been greatly enriched by the existence of this technology.

Just as the rain refreshes the earth, the friendship of others replenishes the soul.

A Day of Refreshment

Weather wise, it’s a wonderful day; I arose from the duvet lair, not too bright but reasonably early, just as my beloved arrived back with the main weekly grocery shopping. A few fleeting moments were spent together before she headed off to work and I coaxed myself into the shower room. By 11.00AM I felt sufficiently energized to walk down to ‘Open Church’, at St Marks, for coffee and a natter; revelling in the sensation (carried over from last evening) of being able to breathe more easily. The sun made a modestly successful attempt to burn its way through the cloud cover as I walked home but, there was no sign of the ridiculous cloying heat of recent days.

As soon as I arrived back home, I engaged myself observing the activity of butterflies and moths and attempted to take a few snaps, just as the breeze took hold of the Buddleia branches on which my subjects were perched. Shortly afterwards, the first rain shower of the day embraced me as I sat beside the pond; a wonderfully refreshing change, although I swiftly headed back to cover as the gentle rain was replaced by a downpour.

The lawn, after a couple of weeks of lethargy, looks as if every blade of grass has suddenly sprung to attention. I rejoice in the day’s refreshment!

Counting blessings and citing the curse

My mid-morning alighting from the duvet realm was today a most refreshing experience. On entering the living room, I was immediately bathed in the most refreshing breeze, as my beloved had opened the window wide as if in celebration of my emergence into the world of the day people. A breezily breathable day, that’s not far short of the ecstatic for me; it certainly washes away the residual cobwebs of melancholia from yesterday’s setback. Today, I feel able to share the joy of Dame Julian’s shewing that, “all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well”! In terms of the love of family and friends, the wealth of nature in my own back garden, my sense of self-worth (although sometimes troubled by problems of health) I am blessed indeed!


There is much in the world that is indeed very unwell, man’s inhumanity to man and, that generally cynical viewpoint that charity begins at home, outrageous prejudice shown by people of religiosity … blah, blah, blah … I could go on … and on but …….


A sermon illustration I heard as a child still haunts me, it’s the one about the boy having to put together a jigsaw map of the world. His father was so surprised that he completed the puzzle so quickly, was he perhaps a genius, that even in childhood he was capable of reconstructing a map of the world? The child’s solution was, of course, much simpler; on the back of the puzzle someone had drawn a picture of a man, and the child had already observed what a man looked like; by getting the man right he’d managed to get the world right.

The problem is that politicians, financiers and religious bigots seem determined not to give man a chance to get right; we seem to be taught from an early age that self-interest is the only possible course of action and, one man’s self-interest quite frequently implies the blighting of numerous other lives.

But, I believe that “all shall be well”, so count me in on the side of the oppressed that I may work towards that goal.

Now the day is over ...

Another day draws to a close and, I offer a grateful sigh that the latter part of the day has been so much better for me than all that preceded it. Once more, in spite of the presence of a breeze, the heat proved quite oppressive. Even in the cooler part of the day my beloved noted that I was ‘roasting’; my body thermostat, which is always erratic, seems to have set itself to maintain maximum temperature at all times. Whether the breeze is supplied as a natural air current or, assisted by an electrical fan, it does little to prevent me ‘burning up’.

As the day went by, I felt increasingly frustrated and despondent with my inability to settle down to any task I set myself; no sooner had I started surfing the web than it seemed like time to ‘shut down’, the shut down of the machine reflecting that of my powers of concentration. By late afternoon, I seemed to be teetering on the edge of a depression, an acute bout of melancholia. Were I in perfectly good health, I still would be affected by the excessive humidity but, currently I feel totally defeated by it.

On a more positive note, I did manage to venture out for a brief brisk walk, in the company of my beloved, before settling down to preparation of a beef curry for tomorrows lunch. Having completed this domestic chore, we sat down to watch and enjoy Hitchcock’s ‘The 39 Steps’; I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve seen this particular movie but, it never ceases to entertain. The accompanying beverage was a bottle of Edward’s Lake Unoaked Chardonnay, 2003, a quite straightforward but nonetheless satisfying product of NSW.

The possibility of sleep lures me towards the bedroom, having emerged from the duvet realm a full twelve hours ago. With these words, I bid any readers good night.

Something Borrowed

By way of recompense for yesterday's neglect of this blog, Mal’s Murmurings was not thus neglected, I proudly post the last two brief entries from Malcolm's blog on My Space.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

A diplomatic standoff?
Current mood: content


Just looking out of the window and, it seems like there has been some kind of breakdown in diplomatic relations within the butterfly community. Close to the window, dozens of Peacocks have established squatters rights on the Buddleia. Meanwhile, beyond the garden pond, a similar number of Large Whites seem to have claimed sole possession of the lavender patch.

Currently the coppers, ringlets, tortoiseshells and meadow browns are nowhere in evidence. Can this deadlock be broken? Only time will tell.


Friday, July 28, 2006

Enter the Independent Observer
Current mood: contemplative


After yesterday's territorial stand-off in the butterfly realm, an independent observer entered the scene. Sapphire, a Burmese / Chinchilla cross puddy-tat, settled herself in the shade beneath the peacocks buddleia territory. As the observer rested, the lepidoptera continued dining on this prime territory.

Suddenly, in the twinkling of an eye, a less than impartial stance was taken by the supposedly independent observer; she leapt towards an overhanging branch and, landed front paws together as if in prayer. Perhaps it was one of the peacocks ringleaders that she felt deserved such summary justice. A swift transfer of the prisoner was made, from claw to toothed gateway of the impending acid bath. Butterfly firmly clenched in her mouth, Sapphire proudly trotted off with her trophy.

I sure don't understand Sapphires diplomatic technique but, today small tortoiseshell, large white, red admiral, skipper and peacock can be seen browsing together on the formerly disputed territory.

Of Memory, Concentration and emotional Perspiration

So much seems to have been going on the past couple of days that, I’ve not even found the residual energy to post a blog. My memory says “yeah, you have had quite a bit going on”, meanwhile my concentration does it’s darnedest to prevent me logging into the memory store. I think one of the differences between memory and concentration is, whereas memory is that great reserve of data concerning what one has done, experienced, read, seen etc., concentration is the cash point needed to access this reserve. Sometimes it’s difficult to remember your PIN, so you’re unable to proceed with the transaction; meantime your attention wanders off elsewhere rather than being bothered to open up your password manager. The memories are there but, in my case, all too frequently I’m too easily distracted to utilize it.

I suppose that concentration is more to do with discipline and planning but, fortunately or unfortunately, my mind is more like an erratic grasshopper. I tend to have a very spontaneous attitude to life and events, undisciplined some might say but, since the onset of ME/CFS forward planning of any kind has become even more difficult. Even thinking about a forthcoming event can so often lead to a state of panic but, then again, for the past few years I’ve never known how I’m going to be in terms of physical and emotional stamina from one day to the next (the worst case scenario is, not even knowing this from one minute to the next).

Whilst memories may flow at a sudden prompt, one thinks of Proust’s Madeleines, concentration requires a much more positive input and, that’s where the emotional stamina dries up on me.

A panic state grabbed me by the trachea and chest yesterday morning; the cause was quite simply having to be up early in anticipation of a parcel delivery which would require a signature, failing that the items would be returned to the depot. Suddenly, I felt trapped in the house (even though I very rarely leave its environs) and, my mind flooded with fears that perhaps I would so desperately need the loo at precisely the time the courier arrived. This was not the best start to the day and, I all too swiftly hyperventilated …; there was no way I could distract myself, switch on the PC, switch off again, pick up a magazine and promptly put it down again. My chest felt like it was being held in a vice, the perspiration fell away from me like water from a Thames Water Board mains pipe but, I did manage to get a breathe as I forced myself into my 7/11 breathing routine.

The parcel arrived by 11.55AM but, that didn’t provide the relief one would have anticipated; in some strange way I felt cheated, had the delivery not arrived that day then I could have been justifiably angry! Perhaps I’ve mentioned before, at times of discomfort or sensory overload (my all too frequent companion in recent years) I become a real irritable sod and, intense anger could be ignited by the most trivial oversight on anyone’s part. Yesterday, as part of the waiting game and, missing my full night-time bed rest allocation, cramps, bruised ribs, headache, earache and toothache all seemed to be sneering at me; all I needed was the least opportunity to let fly.

It wasn’t until a couple of hours after the parcels arrival, I felt sufficiently courageous and energized to break the seal. The parcel contained a new computer base unit which I was to set up for a friend of my beloveds. Initial set-up went quite smoothly but, when it came to the installation of some major programmes they just didn’t want to play ball! I had to find some way to avoid the obstructions, which the supposedly automated installation programme kept putting in my way and, eventually managed to overcome its obstinacy. Thankfully, some other programmes, and files, presented no such problems. Some 150MB of updates and patches later, we were ready to roll. Those 3 ½ hours, spent setting it up are the most intensive operation I’ve performed for many a year and, the opportunity to just collapse for the evening was taken with great relish.

Even after a very relaxed evening, every nerve in my body seemed to be screaming when I rolled myself into bed, and the old restless legs were having a field day. My mind by this time was fully alert and, my need and desire for sleep was thwarted for what seemed like endless hours. Apart from the occasional intervention of severe cramps in my calf muscles, I did manage to rest on the bed until a goodly portion of the morning had passed me by.

Having prepared a somewhat delicious trout, pepper and mushroom topping for our jacket potatoes, the afternoon has been one of total idleness marred only by the stifling heat!