A TYPE OF GETHSEMANE

After a rather troubled night's sleep recorded by Heterocon, my beloved really had to make an effort to get me out of bed and to the hospital for my blood tests. That was three hours ago and, still, I'm not properly awake. The positive to come out of the experience is that my first new poem, in some considerable time, has started to take shape. This is how it reads at present :

A type
of Gethsemane.
Not so much the pain –
more the agony.

Not the absence
of sleep –
more the ache;

an ache which penetrates
each sinew. If only
one had slept

like others do.
Oh, how you’d love
that luxury. Wait

for the next event –
everything burns,
each pore secretes
anxiety. Has it

all come to this?
Who knows
what follows
the restless night.

Malcolm Evison
09 June 2005 (third draft 11.36am)

The Day's Embrace

"Hullo There"; no, you're not deluded - yes, it's me, talking to myself at this unearthly hour. No, I don't have any excuse. I know it's positively indecent to have raised myself from my bed, to get a glass of water, at this unearthly hour!

For all my dread of moving on to the higher dose of Zispin (mirtazapine), fearing a totally zombified state, after all the recent hypnotic trance states, I am actually wide-awake. This could simply be that I have not properly been to sleep, as I know I have to be up early to prepare for an 8.00am appointment with my GP.

Having entered the embrace of duvet-land before midnight, I anticipated deep hypnotic sleep instead of which I dozed spasmodically! The body entered one of those ultra-sensitive states where any slight movement or touch made me feel totally discomfited; a kind of mild cringing nausea.

So, that's my excuse for being up at this unearthly hour, what about you?

Good morning all!

Willing And Having

Whilst Heterocon has been dealing with technological glitches, I have attempted to keep, at least part of, my psychosomatic being aloof from such temporal stresses. This afternoon's bbw went very smoothly, not even out of breath and, as always had the best of all possible companions (ma belle Helene) to accompany me on this exercise.

Perhaps the unsolicited rest this morning, not emerging from my slumbers until almost mid-day, had recuperative powers! A slight hangoverish ache above the eyes links my psyche to the trance-like floatingness of recent history, but do I have the faith to overcome?

Quite unremarkably, I have enjoyed the day, ignoring frustrations whilst almost falling victim to their spell. The fatigued flesh is willing to leave annoyances well alone but, the spirit's sometimes weak!

Self Healing Problems

The pond pump 'trip switch' problem, despite a few little setbacks, was resolved by mid-afternoon. Having temporarily by-passed one section of our convoluted shed, greenhouse and pond-pump wiring circuits, ran the pump for a few minutes from an extension reel cable; upon re-insertion of the by-passed section the little problem had resolved itself.

One of these days I will understand! For me, the age of miracles is not yet past.

Some Words Upon A Prophecy Of Heterocon

To fulfill the prophecy of Heterocon, in his first posting of the day, I boldly ventured forth into the garden, impressing the signs of my feets presence into the lawn. But, this wasn't enough, oh no ... 'twas time for Sinna Luvva to perform a routine rinsing of the filters for the pond. Six bucketfuls of pond water sufficed for the task of rinsing the graded sponge filters, and feeling well satisfied with the effort (risking further irritation to my dodgy back in the process) returned a la maison almost rejoicingly.

And what did the gods say ... "You fool ...thou shalt not be able to reset the temperamental trip-switch to set the pond-pump purring into life". My God ... I soon discovered the truthfulness of those words! Sunday may be meant for man but, is man made for Sunday? Perhaps metakes the day in vain!

Tidings Of Comfort And Joy

At least the dis-organization of a Sick Health Authority has roused me from the hypnotic trance, which has dominated the past 72 hours of my existence! It's amazing how stimulating a little venom can be; methinks it tickles the adrenalin producing glands into overdrive. Certainly, the anger has redeemed me from this prior sonambulistic state, even though it may be far removed from the most healthy emotional one.

Unfortunately, it's something of a truism that .. "those who are well have no need of a physician .." but, it should not necessarily follow that the sick should be grateful no matter how crap the Health Authority!

Ain't like what it used to be!

As Heterocon has already reported "recent days" and "recent daze" are now to be seen as synonymous! Still, I manfully struggle on, not that I've really got any option ... but is it really I ... or, to quote some French poet, am I simply "a trumpet blown by another". Oh the nostalgic joy of that slight trip into my bohemian days/daze!

The media player blasts out something about .. "love is all you need" and I'm thrust back into the days of my return from section-dom into the real world ... heading on for three decades now ... how I yearn, how I yearn! Cliched as the saying may be, I do feel it's a shame that youth is wasted on the young.

It's strange, the voice ex-machina now proclaims " I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello"... are the days of such profundity really gone forever. Lady Madonna certainly doesn't think so. Thanks for those number one hits lads!

Home and Garden

Back to the medicinal front. Woke up around 7.30am today and, decided to step straight out of bed following yesterday's delay. Did a bit of early morning work at the PC, preparing DVD's of Cathy's swim with sharks during her visit to Thailand. That task being succesfully set in progress, felt justified in partaking a little sustenance to break the night's fast.

As the bluetit brood, in our nest box, become increasingly chirpy the neighbourhood cats seem to take it as an invitation to hang around in hope! On the pond front, I'm pleased to report that the pea-soup has thinned a little more ... note the optimism, just hope it's not misplaced.

Went out for another of my fabled bbw's (brief brisk walks) despite somewhat muggy conditions and, on my return settled down with ma belle amoureuse to watch "Elephant" ... the DVD being due back to the library tomorrow. Unfortunately this proved to be just the time that a trance-like sleep befell me.

What drama there is in the realm of domestic bliss!

Helen and myself were both pleased to see Cathy, albeit fleetingly, on her return from the latest travel round. This time round the lure of L-O-V-E curtailed her itinerary somewhat, a mere five months as opposed to her constantly lengthening stays on the previous occasion.

Initiation into a new (medication) regime

Yesterday evening, I took my first minimal dosage of mirtazapine before finalizing some work on the PC. Unfortunately I fell into an hypnotic sleep demanding state, before I could finish the task in hand, as a result of which I entered the duvet-realm before the witching hour's arrival.

Awoke from my slumbers around 5.00am, trance-like obeying a call of nature. Once my head hit the pillow again all is blank unti sometime after 10.00am. Felt unable to shift my leaden body, from the vale of repose, for a further hour. perhaps the fact that I've been taking the odd analgesic to ease back discomfort has added to mirtazapine's impact.

In another five days, I shall be doubling the dosage of this particular anti-depressant but, I am hoping my current hypnotized state is purely a passing rite of initiation.

But it's raining .... but not in my heart ...

Awoke to the sound of rain, at least I would have if it's angle of descent had been rather different; certainly there has been considerable refreshment to the lawn and garden, hopefully not too much.

It's actually quite pleasant, watching the rain fall, its rippling bounce on the pond, even the milky grey sky has a certain air of assurance. There again, perhaps these 'positive' responses are the result of a much better night's sleep ... for me that is (not for the weather)!

If it hadn't been for aching joints and creaking muscles, I would have treated the 'tame' part of the lawn with a sprinkling of 'Weed and Feed" yesterday, this somewhat persistent rain on top of a relative warmth could have provided the ideal activating impulse. Still, it's no use crying over unspilt milk.

At least we'll be having a liitle water change in the pond; saves me the effort.

This is the day the Lord has made. I'll try to rejoice and be glad in it!