Which why what how is it - who knows + Autumn Garden

There are always more questions than answers, especially so it seems when it comes to health matters. It even seems to be the case that doctors increasingly ask the patient what they think is wrong and what action should be taken. Maybe it's a problem of just getting to see a locum but, the issue seems to go further than that. Whilst I'm looking for answers, or even probable explanations, the GP seems to expect me to recommend a course of action based on my complete lack of knowledge. Yesterday I had an appointment with a GP, following on from a continuing (almost continuous) bouts of extreme gastric discomfort and also the attempted treatment of a sore-looking patch of skin on my right lower limb.

Anyway, the stomach biopsy results had finally been received and disappointingly, but not altogether unexpectedly, proved negative; why I should have the recurring, intermittently painful and regularly discomforting gastro-oesophogeal reflux problems without any apparent cause is something of a mystery. Following the morning's consultation I'm once again temporarily doubling up my lansoprazole intake, to 2x30mg capsules per day. On enquiring whether I should take both capsules pre-breakfast, or take one later in the day, the locum suggested that although it's a once daily medication, if taking them at different times proves effective then follow that course of action; I like that -  once daily medication to be taken twice a day!

Next, to the "topical" treatment of the sore on my leg. As the recommended ten days treatment (in fact extended to twelve days), with betanovate, has produced no dramatic result I wondered whether to extend the twice daily application period. Once more, the locum asked me whether I would prefer to do that or should he write a referral letter to dermatology, it being probably unusual that the steroid cream had not cleared it up. Not being a medical expert - I don't know what's the best course of action but, I would prefer  to steer clear of dermatology for a little while after my rather dramatic recent visit (unless a further carcinoma appears on my torso), so I opted to try a little further betanovate treatment. If the "sore" doesn't clear up, as it should if it were discoid eczema, there's a possibility it may be bowen's disease. I opted to continue with the "topical" treatment for a further week but, can't help having a sneaky feeling that I may need a referral after all; I suppose that the recent basal cell carcinoma episode makes me feel (rationally or not) that it could be a squamous cell carcinoma.

All in all though, after my requisite eleven to twelve hours bed-rest/lessness, I manage to enjoy my days and, with the aid of my trusty walking stick, manage to get up a fair head of steam as I take a stroll down to Open Church or even just around the block.

Although the weather is somewhat temperamental, at the moment, I'm still finding plenty of suitable occasions to spend time in the garden, if only to be busily doing nothing in the course of these minutes and hours. There's an abundance of apples on each of our trees, three different varieties, many of the branches appearing overladen even after the autumn's swirling breezes have delivered a fair quantity of 'windfalls'. The heathers are also putting on a wonderful display.

Refreshment and Renewal

After those all too recent weeks when I was so far out of it, in that realm of drifting hollow giddiness and fluctuating levels of nausea, each days activities have taken on a sense of refreshing excitement. Of course recent days have been even more special, as my beloved hasn't been at work; we have been able to enjoy so many more hours of quite simply basking in each others company. It's as if that "being in love" sensation is constantly being replenished; not only does my love for Helen grow (impossible as it may seem) ever deeper but so does my whole enthusiasm for life, exhaustion permitting.

The rapidity with which days, weeks, months, and even years, pass by is sort of frightening. There's always so much to do and appreciate that time itself becomes a luxury, something to be caressed and indulged to the full. We've especially enjoyed Cathy enabled visits of her godson Joseph, an energetic and super inquisitive nine month old chortling bundle of joy! His eagerness to observe, and respond, to all that goes on around him proves quite infectious; it's almost as if it reinforces ones own need to ensure that we're not missing out on anything of potential value, a craving for fresh experience.

Although we've not made any effort to "get away", during ma belle's holiday, we have rung the occasional change to routine via visits to local restaurants, cafes and garden centres, as well as taking advantage of some fine weather to do a bit more planting, tidying and reorganizing of the garden. To me, part of the beauty of this work in the garden is preserving a "natural" rather than more cosmetically structured  appearance.

Friday lunchtime, on a whim, we ventured down to Brio's a reasonably local bar and eatery, even within my meagre walking range, where I settled for one of my favourite italian dishes, linguine marinara, whilst my beloved selected and enjoyed the pescatrice con speck (monkfish parcelled in speck ham).

On Saturday, late afternoon, I prepared a meal which served us for both Sunday and Tuesday lunch. It essentially utilized a 'Madras' curry paste, in addition to my own unique spice mixture, which infused the beef meatballs, sliced new potatoes, mushrooms, yellow and green peppers and tinned tomatoes; on each occasion I served it with saffron rice and a side dish of broccoli. Last evening we were invited for an evening meal at Janet (the only one of Helen's siblings who lives locally) & Graham's home where the wonderfully succulent slices of roast, lamb, served with roast potatoes and some home grown veg proved a real treat.

Today, we attended a coffee morning at Burnbridge, where the proceeds were for the MRDF (Methodist Relief & Development Fund); a guest speaker, and his wife, provided a concise and informative account of some of the projects in which they've been involved in Nepal.

An evening out, swiftly followed by a morning event, has proved somewhat demanding on my familiarly diminished stamina reserves but, I wouldn't have wanted to miss either event. A brief unsolicited afternoon nap imposed itself upon me but, I can still find time to rejoice in this day the Lord has made.

garden delights

Bright sunshine but not too hot, just my sort of day even though there were times when it was necessary to retreat into the house for a respite from our overheated toil.

It's been wonderful spending a bit of time in the garden with my beloved, doing a bit of tidying up, transplanting items to more appropriate sites etc. but, even more importantly, taking time out to sit and observe the active enviroment. A spider's activity, creating and mooring a web between three flimsy breeze swayed reeds proved most entertaining and, I managed to catch some video footage of this engineering feat as well as a few close-up still shots of the engineer.

Both web and spider were wonderfully backlit from our vantage point and, it was amazing to note how swiftly some of the neighbourhood midges became hopelessly entangled in the arachnids handiwork. Guess the spider was relieved that all that work was proving cost effective time and motion wise.

A short while later I was thrilled to see, and hear, a couple of longtailed tits in the garden, the first time I've observed any here since before the long hard winter. Obviously as autumn approaches they're busy genning up on the locations of local feeding stations.

An Ordinary Privileged Life

I seem to have been so busy enjoying life, since my appetite (for food and a few other perks) returned, that I'm left wondering where the time has gone. To be able, once again, to enjoy cooking feels like such a tremendous privilege (and, I suppose that as part of the global community we really do belong to a privileged group insofar as we don't have to worry about where our next meal is coming from). Even simple chores, like watering the tomato plants or giving the lawn a quick trim, have taken a whole new dimension - no longer chores but rather pleasurable activities. I've even managed to catch up with some essential ( and probably overdue) filter cleaning and replacement in the 180 litre aquarium. Come to that, I even got around to vacuuming the gravel as well sorting out the distressed aquatic plants.

The most important recent event is the commencement of my beloved's holiday, by which I mean she has a few days off work! Earlier in the year, we had contemplated another visit to the south coast, to stay with my brother and his wife, but having had frequent difficulties with travelling (even locally at times) ever since the onset of M.E., recent health setbacks have definitely ruled out this prospect. Mind you, there's always plenty of sorting out to do in both the garden and the house; fortunately, we enjoy each others company, so I'm really looking forward to quite simply basking in the close proximity of ma belle.

At lunchtime today we popped out to Cafe Culture, for a delicious light lunch, before heading over to the aquatic shop where we duly acquired five additional white cloud, and three golden, minnows to gently introduce to our aquarium. It's wonderful to note how swiftly they became part of a pre-existing shoal, with only an infrequent display of bickering!

Having prepared a casserole, for tomorrow's lunch, we settled down to enjoy a recording of the Rodgers & Hammerstein Promenade Concert which was being shown on BBC2 - a really fun start to a Bank Holiday weekend.

Much Ado About Something

There's nothing quite so rewarding as a good burp! At least following on from today's gastroscopy, during which some air is pumped into the intestines, it felt really good to expel some of the excess via the facial orifice. Mind you, as time went by, I did also find that other orifices helped alleviate some of the pressure.

I decided against having the sedative injection, wondering if it may adversely react with my M.E. sensitivities, whilst simultaneously wondering whether I would be sufficiently relaxed to perform the appropriate co-ordination of swallowing and nasal breathing, if I didn't have it. The wonderful thing is that I was ready to go home within a few minutes of the op having been performed and, able to eat and drink normally one hour after the throat spray anaesthetic had been administered.

Apart from one or two involuntary gagging responses, as the camera was manouevred around, the experience wasn't too bad at all. The exploration didn't disclose any abnormalities but, a biopsy from the stomach was taken to find out if there's any kind of bacterial infection.

It seems quite strange to me that one can experience so many spasmodic intensely discomforting / disconcerting symptoms for which further exploration is unable to find a cause. I am so grateful for the National Health Service that I, and countless others, are able to undergo these procedures without having to worry about whether their bank balance will permit such activities to take place.

contrary impulses

After a slow, lightly grey-cast morning, come noontide and we're greeted with clear blue sunlit skies. Large whites flitter and dance around the lavender and aconitums whilst the peacock variety of butterfly seem to make the buddleia their focus of attention. The sun-soaked pale beige shed wall plays host to others of the peacock line as they idly stretch out their wings in a posture of submission to the sun god.

It's so easy to feel the lure of this sparkling day, to dash out, throwing all caution to the wind,and soak up the radiance through every pore, but then reality bites. I take heed of the warning notes, issued when my carcinoma was diagnosed, seek shade between 11.00am and 3.00pm, always cover up and wear wide-brimmed hats when outdoors ... etc. The strange thing is, with these proscriptions in place, although hot weather has never really suited me - to such an extent that I've remained incapable of understanding the sun-seeking school of holiday making,  I'm just beginning to appreciate that type of yearning!

So, I duly roll down my shirt sleeves, don a sun hat, and stroll down to the pond to feed the goldfish. Open the greenhouse door to be almost overwhelmed by the stifling humid heat that rushes out to greet me. I make my way to the totally shaded arbour seat at the top of the garden, make a mental note of areas that need a little tidying (in preparation for the time when I'll once again be able to perform a few lifting and stretching activities), rest for a brief while before returning to the welcoming bounds of the living room.

That's Progress

After a few days when even ambling up to the garden pond, to scatter a few food sticks for its piscine inhabitants, seemed like an overbearing chore, it was wonderful this morning to quite simply take the time to look around the garden as I performed this task.

A sudden fleet movement, rather too close to my foot-fall for comfort, catches my attention as a perfectly formed froglet, less than the length of my little finger nail (and I've got relatively small hands), leaps across the grassy sward. The sheer abundance of life, both flora and fauna, within the garden's confines is a constant source of joy and amazement - excluding of course the organic deposits left by visiting neighbourhood cats.

Anyway, having fed the fish, I move into the greenhouse to gather a few more fully ripened tomatoes and, taking due care not to overstretch, manage to water all the plants. Next task is repleneshing sundry bird-feeders although, I must admit that my attention to this is a more hit and miss business at this time, especially so during most recent days / weeks (when it has been more spasmodic than would be my intention), than is essential in Winter and Spring months.

I seem to have been catching up with my sleep requirement the past few nights, retiring to bed at an earlier hour, and emerging from the duvet lair, at least partially refreshed, some thirteen hours later. Today, I've so far managed to eat a small breakfast of a boiled egg and toast and, enjoyed some smoked haddock with new potatoes at lunch time. That's progress!

A Visual Blessing

Recent days haven't been that good, to be honest, nothing I can really put my finger on; a generalized discomfort has prevented much other activity apart from less than routine fish-feeding, bird-feeding, tomato watering, and regular re-orienting of my seated position.

Strange how a generalized griping sense of dis-ease seems to emanate from discomfort in either a little finger, or more usually the armpit. Only when I pin my upper arms tight to my torso and sit back with forearms pinned behing my lower back does this discomfort ease. Fortunately these phases pass but, at present they too frequently return interfering with my appetite and much other attempted activity.

This morning, after a fulfillment of bed-rest, sat in the living room sipping at a wake-up beverage, I observed the following simple display which I posted as a tweet (line breaks of course omitted) - I've already posted it on 'Mal's Factory' but thought I'd share it here, to show that even in my temporary slumps into a pathetic despondency, it's still wonderful to be a part of this amazing creation:

I see the lavender
transformed
into a fluttering

of butterfly wings.
Large whites
re-emphasize

the colour
of their perching
bloom.

Malcolm Evison

12 August 2010

The Absolute (arm)Pits

Squirming wimp; that's a role I seem to play really well, trouble is I'm not acting. The multifarious manifestations of dis-ease have really found a fresh discomforting expression this past twenty-four hours plus. That sensation when one finds it impossible to discover, or maintain, a comfortable seated posture; if I was simply observing my wriggling activity I'd swear it was a bad case of worms. [Fortunately, that's an ailment that's escaped my attention.]

What has returned with a vengeance is that aching discomfort in the armpits, the one where I have to squeeze my arms tightly to my side in a first attempt to regain a tolerable posture, before placing my hands beneath my thighs as I sit back; a griping sense of nausea then takes over. A short while later, the giddy light-headedness returns and the legs start to feel like they're made of some gelatinous lead alloy.

No sooner had we arrived at the local takeaway, last evening, than ma belle had to escort her pale faced partner back home. By the time she'd returned to collect the ordered meal, any inkling of an appetite had disappeared from yours truly and, the smell of food made me turn green around the gills. One thing I can never be found guilty of is doing things by halves - my disorientation is a complete happening.

Later in the evening I regained my composure and managed a portion of the (microwave reheated) food. By bedtime had arrived, I found myself relaxedly wide awake for the total bed-rest period. Late morning I went up for a little rest, discovering that laying on my left hand side allowed my torso to feel more comfortably at home in the world.

Sunshine and Blanket Stitch

Many people seem to worship the sun, so much so that they'll travel halfway around the globe to find a suitable place to spend their holiday sunbathing. Others, like me, have difficulty coping with very hot weather and, only on a few occasions have exposed my torso to the sun's rays, primarily at the time in the seventies when as a mature student I had a regular vacation job doing gardening. There were a few later occasions when I allowed my body to be exposed to the rays for a couple of hours, nothing out of the ordinary I would have thought, but it was only many years later that various warts and moles began to make their presence noticed.

An abundance of solar keratoses started to mar this fair skinned torso and, at times, a little cryotherapy was deemed necessary to remove the more troublesome of the little critters. Then, having noticed blood on a T-shirt which I'd been wearing the previous day, and during an enforced overnight stay in hospital, I asked my GP to take a look at my back and she immediately referred me to the dermatology clinic.

In earlier blogs, I've already commented on that referral, and the generally excellent treatment proferrred by the much maligned NHS. The basal cell carcinoma (rodent ulcer) was removed last Wednesday, at which time I was informed that there's a good possibility of a further rodent ulcer occurring within the next few years. Just by way of warning my readers of the deleterious effect of UV rays on fair skinned people, I decided to post a couple of views of my back, including a fine example of the surgeons blanket stitch (which has to remain in place for 14 days)

As stated earlier, I've never been much of a sun worshipper but, were I ever to consider exposing any part of my body to the sun's rays my minimum protection would be a high factor block (SPF15+). My beloved has been instructed on the importance of observing / detecting changes to any of my disfiguring growths.

 "Mad dogs and Englishmen ..." may "go out in the midday sun" but this mad Englishman will do his darnedest to avoid it.