of spoonie normality

Each time I’ve set out to write a blog post, of late, an insufficiency of either/and/or physical, intellectual or emotional stamina has managed to suppress the desire. That  statement gets me to thinking, once again, of normality; when ones reserves of stamina, or effects of sundry aches and pains, are totally unpredictable (not only one day but even one hour to the next) what kind of criteria should one apply in order to define a normal day?

Contrary to the hopes and wishes implied at the close of my “much ado about little” posting (24 March), a considerable degree of payback was evident in the succeeding days. The most positive thing I can say about the excruciatingly shattered low days is that they enable me to appreciate, albeit retrospectively in some cases, the goodly number of better ones that I am blessed with!

Easter Day

As Easter Approaches

much ado about little

The current pleasant weather could prove dangerous!

Yesterday afternoon found me briefly pottering about in the garden; this morning I once again exerted myself (a little) tidying up and, transferring a wonderfully rich humus from the bottom of the composter into a barrow.

At that point it suddenly felt like I was about to hit the wall; it was almost as if I could hear the muscles groan through their sluggish response to every bit of exertion.

Come the afternoon I even ventured out for a little walk!

It would be nice if for once there's no payback.

a not quite inadvertent nature watch

just rediscovered this note from a couple of days ago and as no other words are seeking urgent release thought I should post it just as it is

**************************

Having been blessed with glorious sunshine, for at least parts of several recent days, today's sky seems to promise some quite imminent rainfall. As I write the sun has once again broken through the cloud cover; whilst other areas of the country are having hosepipe bans imposed, in these parts there's certainly been no shortage of the watery stuff.

The bright sunshiny mornings have brought the depths of shrubberies alive with an intensity of chatter from the house sparrows, whilst dunnocks trill their melody from higher, more exposed, twigs and branches.

At some point each day, regardless of whether I manage to get out of the house, I have the privilege of watching the red kite(s) circling on the thermals.

and suddenly ....

And suddenly the floodgates open, not a result of any dramatic trauma more like tripping over the everyday! A renewed period of feeling below par, even by my own undemanding standards, inevitably gnaws away at ones self-esteem. Whilst I have so much to be thankful for I still can’t avoid feeling guilty for the restrictions my own health problems place on my beloved.

Today, just ma belle’s suggestion that we go for lunch to the local café was sufficient to set the tears a-flowing; we both enjoy our visits to Café Culture but, with the recent return of quite excruciating pains to my lumbar region, I felt I would be much more comfortable staying at home. Almost immediately the pangs of guilt set in as I felt that my not feeling up to dining out was simultaneously denying my beloved the pleasure.

In recent weeks I’ve been spared the (formerly routine) aches and spasms of the lower limbs, feeling that at least part of me is finally on the mend but, the pains in the arms – starting as if a sustained attack (in vicinity of the elbow) is being made on the funny bone, before gnawingly boring into the armpit and, at other times a nausea inducing ache in the wrist travels slowly up the arm – seem to have increased in frequency as if by way of compensation.

The simple task of removing the ornamental rock from our main aquarium, in order to remove the excess algae, on Monday afternoon, led in turn to painful pulled muscles around the right shoulder blade which subsequently seem to have joined forces with more acute pains in the small of my back.

And suddenly ….  I play the wimp again!

three poems for Helen

 

                                 THAT DAY (for Helen)

                                  That day we found each other,

or perhaps the day

found us.

Though neither of us knew

what we were looking for,

a clasp of hands, an affirmation

of each others presence -

meant more

than either of us knew.

That day we found

each other -

and suddenly we knew.

          Malcolm Evison

TRANSFORMED

(for Helen)

Right now I feel

the urge to scream

forget the aching limbs

dance deftly

on the brim

of my emotions.

Right now

I feel the lure of love

the light

that breaches

my stoical defence.

I see your face

I glow with joy -

right now

there is no you or I

as we rejoice.

Right now I am

alive with you -

I feel -

imbibe the air of this

our perfect world.

                                      Malcolm Evison

 

EMBRACE

Wrapped in each other                     

we break illusions

of our separateness.

As bodies merge

we lose location

finding our place

in vaster schemes.

Thanksgiving, sanctified

with each embrace,

transmits a joy

beyond our reckonings.

Today

love knows no bounds.

                                Malcolm Evison

twelve years on

Today is the twelfth anniversary of my marriage to Helen; on the one hand it seems amazing that all those years have passed and yet, at the same time, it feels as if we’ve always known one another. Not a day goes by that we don’t express our love for one another both verbally and (hopefully) by our actions.

Although during this time I’ve succumbed to moderate ME (an unwelcome intruder since 2003) and sundry other, probably related, chronic conditions, I can still say in all honesty these have been the best years of my life. It’s almost impossible to imagine any quality of life where we are not together.

plus ca change

One soon tires of broadcasting their bad health news, hence the paucity of postings over recent days; I await some positive bright notes with which to intersperse my ailing prose.

In so many ways I feel blessed, adoring and being adored by ma belle, having the wherewithal to keep reasonably warm regardless of what the elements have in store and, constantly being charmed and uplifted by the variety of avian visitors to the garden. What a privilege it is living relatively close to a town centre whilst, from my fireside chair, I can observe a gliding circling red kite, a charm of goldfinches embracing the nyjer seed feeders, and a bullfinch refreshing itself at the birdbath. Flurries of sparrows bound to and fro from shrubbery to feeders, as blackbirds turn over leaf-mould, amidst the reluctantly thawing residue of last weekends snow fall, at the far end of the garden.

Aches and pains in the lower limbs have been less frequent visitors during recent weeks but, those in armpit and upper arm still manage to unnerve me with their accompanying symptoms of nausea and griping crushing sensation in shoulders and rib-cage.

Having finished my large dose of antibiotics to sort out a little diverticular infection, a week last Monday, I was somewhat disappointed when the griping spasms and far too regular explosive evacuations once again took control earlier this week - a type of hyperactivity that drastically interferes with any more normal (socializing) activity. I'm just hoping that a combination of mebeverine and loperamide will enable a swift resolution.

(doing the) anniversary wash

Today was one of those anniversaries, a day when I determined to take a shower (whether I needed it or not), only to be harshly reminded of the reason that showers have become a less frequent event in the life of yours truly. By the time I'd showered, much of the time spent seated, a sense of overwhelming exhaustion (thankfully transient) took control as I stepped out and attempted to towel myself dry.

The past ten days or so have found me once again taking a roller-coaster ride in terms of my general health, ranging from a rare sense of assurance and well-being (following on from an intensive time of prayer) to times when even the sound of one sheet of paper sliding across another was sufficient to turn me into a shaking quivering wreck. On another occasion I was able to bask in the warm golden flow emanating from the acupuncture needles, a time of complete relaxation.

I'm not sure whether my current course of antibiotics, metronidazole 400mg (x3 daily) and ciprofloxacin 500mg (x2 daily) prescribed for an intestinal infection, contributes anything to, or even mildly militates against, any overall sense of comfort.

I remain, as usual, a work in progress.