The Circle Of Guilt

Today has been a day on my own, as my beloved has gone over to meet her brother David in Horton-in-Ribblesdale. How I would have loved to have gone off on this jaunt but, travel is something I’m just unable to contemplate at present. Much as I hate being parted from Helen, for any amount of time, it’s always pleasing to see how much her health has improved.

At times I find myself feeling guilty as my ill-health potentially holds us back from most joint social activities. It truly is devastating how fatigue, and associated discomforts, divorce one from a once reasonably active social life. When eleven hours of nocturnal sleep leave one unrefreshed, perhaps in part due to spasmodic disruptions (miscellaneous muscular and joint aches, aggressive bouts of reflux etc.), it becomes increasingly difficult to motivate ones-self to follow any regular routine.

Even when one has had this (excessive) amount of sleep, it still does not alleviate the need for further rest during the day. The erratic nature of these various symptoms, make it incredibly difficult to plan any activities in advance. Being incapable of planning any outings with my beloved, I feel guilty; this is harmful to my beloved so the guilt intensifies. I apologize for not being well but, of course, this makes no sense … pardon me for living etc. …! And so the guilt rolls on.

Frustration with the situation leads to mood changes, and occasional inappropriate outbursts of temper, yet overall I feel so privileged to be in such a loving relationship. Being grateful, I want to give more but am unable to; guilt is once more the result!

Being unable to perform any routine occupation, since leaving my part-time employment some 22 months ago, conflicts with the Protestant Work Ethic into which I was born and raised. Result: Guilt. Any occupation requires a degree of alertness, energy, concentration, each quality which is in randomly short supply.

And so the circle goes on … and on … and ….