Of Resting and Sleeplessness – postlude to Stress of the Normal

Come early evening and tiredness verging on exhaustion takes passing hold of me but, as a notoriously bad sleeper, I hoped not to drift off at such an early hour. Of course resting / relaxation, in the form of a movie, was the order of the evening; my usual evening entails the playing of CDs and / or DVDs at some point, rarely anything too taxing on my limited resource of stamina. Admission time; I did sleep through some of the movie but, come the time when my beloved was ready for bed I was feeling wide awake. I wonder if my readers will understand the sensation of being simultaneously wide-awake and yet 95% drained of energy both physically and emotionally.

You will have noted that as I headed to the bedroom, to join my beloved, the signs were not exactly propitious. Those forebodings were proved correct! As I prepared for bed a generalised sense of discomfort / dis-ease overwhelmed me and, the night turned out to be one of tears, screams and bellowed expletives.

Restless legs took control after an initial burning sensation of sore tenderness took control of my toes, and that alongside of a tortuous throbbing ache in both knees and hips. Within a short time, a tenderness of the armpits lymph nodes began to rage alongside screaming aches in elbows and wrists. My mind seemed to be preoccupied with a relentless darkness as I sought for comfort and rest.

The darkness of the room created an overwhelming sense of isolation, in spite of the fact that my beloved was soundly sleeping beside me, almost oblivious to my cries to and against the Almighty as I tossed, turned and struggled to find a state of composure. The blessed, albeit temporary, release of sleep took many hours to attend to my needs.

Another day of rest is desperately sought and, I little care whether it’s opioid, prayer, or straightforward Mother Nature assisted.

minor travel major travail

Just where is that emotional stamina hiding; come to that, it would be useful if I could uncover a resource for topping up my rather limited levels of the physical variety. After a short trip across the Pennines, about which more later, even my already constrained ability to concentrate on any sustained reading has gone into abeyance. At least I’m hoping it will return! No matter how much I enjoy looking out onto the garden, the heavily overcast and frequent rain-sodden days do little for one’s morale.

 

After a morning of extremely vividly disconcerting dreams, I finally felt sufficiently alert to remove myself from the bedclothes at around 11.15am, thirteen hours after availing myself of their embrace. As my beloved doesn’t go to her place of employment on a Wednesday it made the rest of the day more bearable. By about 4.30pm I felt it necessary to rest my eyes, at which point ma belle enquired whether I needed to lay myself down on the sofa. At the time it didn’t really seem at all necessary but, within half-an-hour my legs began to suffer a dull throbbing ache, feeling as if they’d been waterlogged.

 

Finally I had to admit my OH was right and, I really did need to lie down; no sooner had I reclined, in supine posture, than my wrists began their far too familiar nagging ache requiring a swift application of splint supports. Just another ordinary day!

 

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Now comes the report on that trans-Pennine journey, although, in terms of mileage, it was a short drive, to me the outward journey seemed a far too protracted arduous nightmare. Spastic colon, and acute diverticular discomfort set the tone of the adventure; within the parameters of a 70 mile route, I most urgently required a loo break on three occasions, the first of which required a diversion from the route we were travelling.

 

The SatNav redirected us, via the Old Skipton Road, across desolate sodden moorland. This route didn’t help at all as a kind of agoraphobic panic attack overwhelmed that attention which had previously focussed on my painfully aching abdomen. When we eventually arrived at the hostelry where we’d be spending the night, it was encouraging to see they had at least four draught ales on offer. As we approached our upstairs accommodation the heat in the hallway proved overwhelming, as was that which greeted us in the room.

 

That evening we attended a wedding party, the purpose of our visit, at a nearby Jacobean venue. On arriving at the venue, I managed ( whilst leaving the badly lit car parking space) to trip on a protruding step as ma belle and I sought the relevant hall entrance. The entrance was attained via an ill lit awning tent and, once again I tripped as my foot fell from the edge of the footway.

Not a good start; since my days as a union steward I’ve been well aware of health and safety issues, and the ill lit irregular causeway would certainly have been a major concern. As I’m prone to giddiness, and an associated fear of falling (such that I will only take a shower when my beloved’s around), I wasn’t able to relax at all.

 

Inside, the venue was disconcertingly sprawling and, we failed to find the quieter lounge. We spent best part of an hour, but seemed much longer, sat at a table in the bar area chatting with one or two family members. Just the noise of chatter became overwhelming; part of my illness means that I find it difficult to cope with crowds or noise so, really, I was in the wrong place. My total alcohol intake was less than half of the pint of ale I’d imagined I would enjoy.

 

Ten years on from succumbing to this condition (moderate Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), it becomes increasingly hard to understand that I once, not only coped with but, whole heartedly, enjoyed a quite gregarious lifestyle, pubbing, clubbing, politicking, wining and dining, leading  house groups and more!

 

Back at the inn, the landlady turned down the radiator at our request and supplied us with an electric fan and opened the skylight, the only window in the room, to allow some air to circulate. Most of the night was spent restlessly on top of the bed; music from nearby filled the air until 2.00am after which I became aware of the swoosh of traffic, presumably from the motorway. Further distraction was proffered in the form of other guests returning to the inn, as the floorboards groaned and roared their disapproval of human footfall. A worn out washer on the hot tap in our en suite, erratically appliquéd a kind of water torture onto the other aggravating layers of distraction.

 

Having missed out on food the night before, I was looking forward to breakfast but even this hope remained unfulfilled. Still feeling rather stressed, and upset by and commenting on my trip up experience of the previous evening, I interpreted a nervous smile from Helen’s brother as a sneer and duly threatened to deck him. At that point I quit the breakfast room.

 

Our journey back across the Pennines was a far happier experience, travelling predominantly on motorways advocated by the disembodied voice of the SatNav.

Changing Conditions

 

Sometimes conditions affect one in unexpected ways. I found it difficult to cope with the heat on the warmest of our summer days, flagging with fatigue after less than half-an-hour sat out in the garden, in the shade of a parasol. The only answer was to retreat into the house, draw the curtains, and switch on the
oscillating fan.

 

As daytime temperatures have cooled down, and an occasional chilly dampness returned to the equation, some of the old familiar aches and pains have decided to re-inhabit my corporeal being. This correlation of events, leads to a suspicion that these aching components are perhaps more to do do with arthritic and rheumatic twinges than the underlying neurological condition. No sooner have I proffered that suspicion than I recognised that a different interpretation was also plausible.

 

As more moderate temperatures returned, the temptation to tackle a few additional ‘light’ gardening and household tasks was all too easy to yield to. My main problem is a tendency to only listen to my body when I’ve almost drained my low stamina reserve. The trick of ‘pacing’ is to always keep a little stamina in reserve, otherwise any further exertion almost inevitably results in some kind of payback.

 

In the course of the past few days, a light giddily disorienting headache, accompanied by sudden onset pallor has been a recurring theme; my erratically disrupted sleep pattern (during my required dozen hours of bed rest) does little to alleviate such irritations. At other times the sense of being ill-at-ease within my own skin, a sensation that the skin is too tightly constricting the flesh of torso limbs and digits, proves grindingly nausea inducing.

 

I am thankful that, at present, the gnawing tenderness of glands under the jaw and in the armpits is only quite rarely experienced.

 

My beloved ‘Bright Light’ has been enjoying a holiday from the workplace, last week and this, but finds herself needing plenty of rest so, whilst I’ve always revelled in her company, we’ve been kept busy keeping an eye on each other, each making sure that the other doesn’t overdo things. My life has never felt so complete as it has in the time since meeting and marrying ma belle; her faith and loving disposition makes me feel privileged to know her.

sunshine and celebration

Sometimes it seems as if the day is almost over before I even get started. In one way this is good, it’s generally a sign that I’m appreciating each waking moment, so much so that it’s sometimes a real struggle to stop myself resenting the earth’s rapid orbit.  Recently we’ve been sighting a bright glowing orb in the sky, bringing a little warmth and elevating one’s spirit; after weeks of dull wet days the sunshine has proved most welcome.

As my beloved took a few days off work, around the time of our wedding anniversary, time seems to pass even more sweetly as we enjoy each other’s company. Visits to Café Culture, for a cuppa and cakes, and Al Bivio Ristorante helped heighten the sense of celebration. We also paid a visit to the garden centre at Otley where I acquired a new bird feeding station for the garden, finally using the vouchers that I’d received for my birthday last June; although the centre is less than ten miles away this was the first time I’d really felt up to spending a little time there browsing around. I especially enjoyed looking at the reptiles in the centre’s pet shop.

Meantime, I’ve acquired 5 more golden and 5 white cloud minnows which, having first spent ten days in my quarantine tank,  have now been added to the Main aquarium.  It’s really quite strange that, having introduced my beloved OH to blogging. I have to check out Helen’s blog to see what I’ve been up to!

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my GP, a lesion on my leg, which I’d been attempting to alleviate with a 1% hydrocortisone preparation, wasn’t showing any improvement (quite the opposite in fact) so I was going to see the doctor who specialized more in skin disorders. He was quite baffled by this particular sore spot, it was quite unlike anything he was familiar with, definitely not discoid eczema or Bowens etc;  so he prescribed a potent topical corticosteroid (Mometasone Furoate) which I’ve to apply once a day for a fortnight. He also checked a small occasionally weeping lesion on my chest which he says is a basal cell carcinoma and has duly referred me to the District Hospital. [I’ve had previous experience of having a bcc excised – see ‘Sunshine and Blanket Stitch’] If the ointment applied to my leg hasn’t healed the lesion he suggests I also have the specialist look at that when I have my appointment for the bcc!

Another positive outcome of the visit was to confirm that the recent X-Ray of my hips, following a quite prolonged period of chronic pain, apparently emanating from the right hip, showed no abnormality on the right hand side but, it did show that I had arthiritis on the left-hand side. Fortunately, after copious doses of tramadol & co-codamol the pain had eventually abated!

I received a further acupuncture treatment on Thursday and, I’m no longer averse to expecting resultant miracles. Life goes on and I’m determined to enjoy it – if only I could discover some refreshing sleep all manner of things would be well!   

refreshed ... ?

Wow, it’s already 17.30hrs and I’m just beginning to feel awake. Having slept quite soundly, albeit intermittently, retiring au lit shortly after 22.00hrs last evening and emerging from the duvet lair at around 11.00hrs this morning, I should have felt refreshed, right! Truth be told, I can’t quite remember when I last felt refreshed / really awake during any morning or afternoon but, things have got much worse since I started taking the amitriptyline.

Had a telephonic conversation with the duty doctor this afternoon; “Mirtazapine, Amitriptyline and Tramadol, they’re all sedatives”, he says. I explain that I’d only just taken a couple of tramadols today, only resorting to them when absolutely necessary. I suggest that maybe I should ditch the mirtazapine but, he thinks that’s a bad idea and comes up with the suggestion that I take it in the morning (instead of the evening) and just take half an amitriptyline in the evening.

The experiment continues …

a small blessing

Today, I managed to remove myself from the duvet lair before 11.00am and, to my great relief, experienced a most unfamiliar sensation, that of refreshment. I honestly can't remember the last time that I felt refreshed after a night's sleep. Fortunately the nigglingly painful spasms in my lower limbs, as well as a dull numb ache in my forearm and hand, were there to assure me that this wasn't just a dream!

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I've also posted this on Mal's Murmurings with the title "light refreshment"